How to help him?

[Mangochan]

Hey guys,

So, the guy I have been dating sort of casually just found out his grandmother passed away. I don't know too much about his family life, but I think they were pretty close. She had been very sick for a long time (she needed help doing everything) so I think he expected it, but I think he was also hoping to see her one more time before she passed away.

I was with him when he got the call. He didn't tell me at first because it was early in the morning and I was half asleep. When I woke up and saw the time (He had to go into work early that day), I asked him if he thought he should get up and go. He then told me. I was at a loss for words.

We ended up spending the whole morning cuddling and watching a movie. I'm never really sure what to say to someone who loses someone close to them because I never really have. Most of my grandparents died before I was born. My uncle died when I was too young to really be affected. I've been fortunate enough not to experience much more death in my life. So I'm just not sure what to say. I really want to comfort him, though.

Should I just let him come to me? He just went home to see her and see his friend graduate. He was supposed to go back home last night, but I didn't get to talk much to him. I can't be there just to cuddle and stuff because he lives an hour away and I'm in exams right now.

[confused lisa]

Don't say all the cliche things like 'she's in a better place now' and don't tell him that you know how he feels - these just make it worse. Let him know that you can't imagine how much this is hurting him and that you are there to help in anyway that he wants you to. Be available to talk, but don't push him to. Don't rush him to grieve this in any way and do little things like make him dinner or send him cookies since he's not close by and don't treat him differently. The thing that I hated more than anything when my mom passed away was that everyone treated me like some fragile doll. Encourage him to still do things that he enjoys and watch for him to withdraw. If he does, he maybe getting depressed and that can lead to more problems.

[MerryH]

I'm never really sure what to say to someone who loses someone close to them because I never really have.

Don't worry, even people who have lost a lot of loved ones don't really know the right things to say.

Not much to add after the above post. Just make sure not to take anything he does personally. People act weird when they're grieving.