Is Good Sex Essential in a Romantic Relatioship?

[curiousgurl29]

I lived abroad in Colombia for two years and fell in love with a wonderful and handsome Colombian man. Everything was great, except the sex. I sound like a terribly superficial person, but I was unhappy with our sex life. Please- men- do not take this the wrong way, but he was on the small side. This does not bother me, except that I really did not have sensation when having sex. For me, sex is an essential part of a romantic relationship. He told me that he was very satisfied with our sex life.

I ended up moving back to the U.S, without my boyfriend. He was unable to get a visa. (He tried on two separate occasions). I still miss him terribly but I love living back in the U.S near my family and friends. We have been broken up for about four months. Recently we talked on facebook and he told me that he still is in love with me and wants to marry me. I feel terrible, because I am dating someone else. I wanted to be honest so I told him. Now, he is understandably upset.

The other guy I am dating is super-sweet, but we have only been dating a short time. We have great sex, but I have to admit that I still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend.

Now, I am feeling so stressed about this situation it is really interfering with my job. I have trouble sleeping, because I just feel paralyzed. Like I can't make a decision!

Please no judgemental comments about the size comment. I really wish I could get over it, because he is a great person. I am not saying that size is an issue for everyone! I'm just saying that for me, I didn't feel satisfied with our sex life. I also think I should have been more open to other sex positions, etc. So, def. part of the reason the sex didn't work out is my fault!

My question is if should try to make it work with my ex or make a clean break again? I guess, I would like affirmation that sex is an important issue would be helpful... :/ Anyone in agreement that sex is an essential part of the relationship??

[Superfantastich]

Sex is undeniably important and maybe the move was the break you needed. You said you love him but it sounds like the lack of satisfaction in your sex life would of affected you guys in the long run. I know it is hard but if I were you I would stick with my decision

[curiousgurl29]

Thank you, Superfantastich I appreciate your advice.

[IndigoGal]

For me, good sex is absolutely essential for a happy relationship. I cannot be happy if the sex isn't good, no matter how much I love the guy. It sounds like you wonder whether you could have worked on your sex life with this guy and improved it. It can make a difference, but do you think it would? Was his size really the issue or was he just not using the right moves? If you think it was his size, then there's nothing he can do about it. If you genuinely think trying other positions or opening up to new things might improve the sex, you could be right.

Is there really much potential for a relationship with him anyway if he lives in another country and can't come here? Are you sure his interest in marriage isn't more about citizenship? (Sorry for asking, but it is an important question, not knowing either of you.)

If you don't plan to get back together with your ex, I see nothing wrong with having a relationship because the sex is good, as long as that is what you want and you aren't fooling yourself into thinking it is more than that. If that isn't want you want, you need to find someone who can give you the whole package.

[curiousgurl29]

Good points. It's difficult to say whether it was just the size thing or if it was a lack of creativity. However, I definitely got caught up on the size thing. I feel really like a bad person, because I found myself resenting him because of his size! I think part of it though was definitely me not being honest. I really regret pretending to orgasm! That was a huge mistake. Lies build more lies and you end up feeling completely unsatisfied.

With this other guy I am dating, I am really trying hard to be totally honest about the sex. He is normal sized, and I definitely feel major sensation when having sex. I told him up-front that it is difficult for me to orgasm. I feel like maybe that was very open for right in the beginning of our relationship, but I am not going to pretend to have orgasms anymore!! I just enjoy the sex and tell him when something is working or not working. I asked him to please be honest with me during sex also. I don't usually rush into having sex with someone, but I feel like it is something I really want at this time. You are right, though, that the whole package is what is ideal! I think I need to give him more time, though. We've only be dating for a little over a month. So, I don't even feel like I know him terribly well. Thanks again for your advice

[FudgeSociety]

Sex is important but not important enough to make and break a relationship. Me and my girlfriend have wonderful romantic sex, yet both of us have had our share of sex partners. But our sex is romantic and passionate because we share a great amount of feelings for each other. If the man you truly love has everything going for him except in the bedroom, then you should decide what is more important to you, sex, or the man himself. Also, never judged ya once

[DoesntMatter]

I would recommend avoiding sex. It generally ruins relationships and may even prevent you from reaching self-actualization

[Dune]

IMO, sex is an important component of a relationship. It's how two people physically connect and it's also how emotional intimacy is enhanced. But sex being an important component of a relationship, still remains as one component. There are many other important 'components' in a relationship as well. At the end of the day, it's what you can deal with having, and what you can deal without.

[VincenzoG91]

I've had good sex, bad sex and average sex, with a variety of women. I'm currently single, so I'm thinking that the quality of the sex was less important than other factors. Of the three long-term relationships I was in, the sex was fantastic in the one that lasted just six months, while the sex was generally average in the two relationships that lasted for years.

[CAM]

Sex isn't everything. If 90 percent of the mate is great/excellent and the sex is average and you plan to marry the person...realize that the 90 percent excellent is what you'll be spending time with most of your life. There might be something else about your small friend which is the real source of concern...contemplate.

[CAM]

I would recommend avoiding sex. It generally ruins relationships and may even prevent you from reaching self-actualization

I don't know if Abraham Maslow would totally agree with your assessment.

Sincerely,

Dr. Freud

PS Yes, I know that Maslow came after me, but I read his work while I was suffering in purgatory for snorthing cocaine and masturbating. SF

[JadenMia]

This is an interesting question and has me thinking.

Out of the serious relationships iv had, the best sex was from the worst relationship. It did last for around 2 years.. But it shouldnt have, i should have ended it a long time before it actually did end. I did read something about the higher the passion for someone, the higher the jealousy? I have no idea where i read it.. I just remember reading it and thinking 'Wow, so true'. The jealousy in my last relationship was horrible. It had both of us by the neck, but the passion we had for each other was incredible. I couldnt get enough of him and felt the same from him too. We had *perfect* sex.. at least twice, three times a day..everyday for nearly 2 years and never once did it become a chore.

My relationship with my daughters dad, was great. My first real sexual partner, and i really enjoyed it. Yet, after a year or so it started to become a chore and we only had sex around 3 or 4 times a week.

The relationship i had with a great guy, he was perfect on paper, yet i just didnt feel enough passion for his body.. It was only 'okay' sex as he knew what he was doing and payed great attention to what i liked. But it still lacked something. That lacked around 5-6 months and i ended it due to this reason.

I cant decide whether it is a huge component and a must for a good relationship. But obviously it has to be decent to keep you coming back for more and not getting bored of it right? Im thinking one day i will find a happy medium, a good guy, good relationship and decent sex.

I think in your case, if you have made the decision already, then keep it a clean break. Your bodies dont fit great and if u feel like this now.. Its not going to change really. You made the right choice IMO.

[IndigoGal]

Girl! It's great you stopped faking. It doesn't help anyone. I think if fewer women faked, more men would be better in bed.

Sex isn't everything. If 90 percent of the mate is great/excellent and the sex is average and you plan to marry the person...realize that the 90 percent excellent is what you'll be spending time with most of your life. There might be something else about your small friend which is the real source of concern...contemplate.

I think if the sex was average, she wouldn't have as big an issue. It sounds like the sex is just not good at all. I'm also not sure I can get behind the 90% 10% breakdown. I think it really depends on how high your sex drive is. If you have a high sex drive and your SO can't satisfy it, it is going to be a constant struggle for you to be happy and faithful to that person. If you have a lower sex drive, sure sex isn't that important.

[Gratedwasabi]

I think good sex, not great, is essential.

Bad sex, to me, signals a relationship that should be a friendship. If you have that chemistry with someone... any sex should be at least decent. I think some people force what should be friendships into relationships because they're lonely/think you can't have a close friend of the opposite gender without a relationship/whatever.

[lostnconfused22]

So what is good half decent sex?? Once/twice a week, same old positions, last ten minutes little forplay, little passion??