Is or WAS my girlfriend over this 'guy'?

[johnmajor]

There is a quite a bit of guess work to my problem, filling in the blanks but to me seem plausible and want to know what others think. I was reading about relatonships today and i came across rebound relationships - i am afraid that i may be the victim of this.

We're both at uni. Me 19 she 21. First time i met her at the club she asked me if i would ever cheat (this is just on meeting her!) and we had not dated yet, which was odd at the time but looking back it worries me. She was with her friend - whom she fell out with previously months before and met up at that night, and also had argued before entering the club. Once she told me how she and her friend kissed each other and a 'guy they used to hang out with' when they were really drunk. I am going to presume this guy caused their temporary break in friendship with jealousy etc.

She says she has never fallen in love until me and had never had a boyfriend but wasnt a virgin. When she lost her virginity aged 20 to this 'guy' (im presuming thats the one she kissed with her friend) That didnt bother me very early on in the relationship, but as time goes on and I fall deeper in love the pain is growing as i wanted to be her first. she said it was good because it solved her problem with this guy - cuz she was unsure about him for two years and that made sure he wasn't for her??? Doesn't make sense to me - she lost it to the wrong person? She has said that she was a bit pressured being that age and a virgin. She is very probing into my sexual past and attempted to split with me cuz i didnt want to talk about my sex and love past. (but then after she explained that it was her learned self-defence mechanism to leave but she doesnt want to) When i eventually told her i was her first - she was relieved because she thought i was a player and had orgies and stuff - which shows her insecurity. She said she had always wanted to be a female player, but she eventually learnt its 'not cool': conclusion that the guy was fooling around and had hurt her. In terms of date of placement of her break with this guy she said it was when he lost her virginity to him and her grandam died soon, between may09-may10. I met her oct10 - is that enough time to be over this guy?

Two months ago I took her out to a bar. But little did i know this was the place where the three hungout after lectures! (she told me so when we sat down which made me feel 'soo great') Then she explained, she went to a party recently, and said she saw the guy. BUT she mentioned these words which concerned me "I saw that guy we used to hang out with. But he didn't say anything to me, so i guess we're still not cool." Why on earth would she say that!? It shows me that she may not be over him, and there is a niggling hope of reconnection on his part. This is all assuming that the guy is the person she hung out and kissed with her friend AND lost her virginity to.

The plain fact is, it really hurts me sooo much that i am not her first sexual experience as she is mines (another problem! i just feel sick thinking about her another guy) and hurts me that she has been treated like this (assuming that my theory is correct) and in turn affects her actions and trust to me - which is unfair. But it would hurt me even more if i am just some padding/rebound to get over him and i am just a 'safe' option who won't cheat - i don't think she'd admit to that if i am this, but im not sure what id do. I just wish that she never mentioned the past as much she seems to like to - for me its only me and her that matters not the past. I really do truly believe she loves me but don't know if her feelings are shared and wandering backwards to this guy at times.

Is she really over this guy? Should i discuss with her or would i retrigger her past? (don't want her to think of him at all if possible really!) I can tell bringing it up will cause an argument and a lot of discomfort, but ignoring it for me is suffocating and not sure if my THINKING of so and the events of the puzzle is ratonal enough to justify this. I have a feeling things will take for the worst if i do. This is my first ever relationship and for me is very troubling driving me insane :'( Never imagined relationships to be soo difficult Is my concern valid? Do i ask about it or ignore!!!??? ](*,) im seeing her tomorrow night or wednesday morning, we are meant to celerate the end of her exams and i have these feelings which i don't want to trouble her with.

[Cerby]

You mention her insecurity, but yours is pretty bad too. She has a relatively clean past for a 21 year old, I started dating my ex when she was 19 and I was 23 and she had quite a few more partners than I did, but it doesn't matter because the past is the past. My current GF has a terrible sexual past of being treated like crap, used for sex, etc, but again, I don't hate her for it, the past is the past. What matters is her, me, and right now.

You need to stop being upset that you weren't her first, you need to accept that will NEVER change, its done. She sounds like she wants to be with you but you're all scared that the one other guy she ever slept with she still pines over. You SHOULD discuss it if its bothers you, and you shouldn't be afraid to trigger her past, because no matter what, its always there. Also, don't tell her to not think about him, thats just a freaky controlling insecure thing to say, so keep that to yourself.

[johnmajor]

^yes my insecurities are just as bad but i wont admit it to her for the sake of losing from it. i will repeat those words in my head "What matters is her, me, and right now." feeling a bit better from a night's rest. Don't know it may be due to the separation anxiety that makes me feel 'unsafe'? (we miss each other a lot its only been a week and a bit.)