Why wouldn't she tell me?

[BrownDog52469]

I have a dear friend of the opposite sex (just friendship; no intimacey). I've become friends with her sister and mom over the years too. She got divorced a little over a year ago. I'm a lawyer and I handled it for her. We've been close for 5 or 6 years and have a very unique friendship in that we've helped each other through some very rough times. As far as her son, her ex, her work and most all topics, nothing is sacred; we know all each others secrets. Except for one.....at the time she seperated from her husband she started seeing another guy; her husbands best friend actually. I knew about it only because it became an issue in the divorce. But otherwise she says very little, if anything, about him. I can honestly count on my fingers how many times she's mentioned him over the last two years. Although she's never told me I'm pretty sure that 1) he's moved in with her; 2) they've gotten engaged, and 3) their planning to get married soon. Now I work with her sister and although she will mention him in passing, she also never mentioned these things either. My friend and I talk most every day....e-mail, text, voice. We used to see each other face to face over lunch often, however that is now infrequent as we no longer work near each other. At times when I've asked about him she avoids the subject. She sends me pictures of her and her son, although he is conviently absent from them. We talk about our weekends, our evenings and what we did, but she always avoids mentioning him. I'm very worried about her. I want her to have only the best. But I'm worried that she got involved with him because it was a way out of her marriage and she can't be alone.

Now, about me. I could never have imagined such an amazing girl. If circumstances were different I could imagine being together. But things aren't different, I don't imagine being together. I'm married. I take that commitment very seriously.

Why doesn;t she tell me about him? Even as recently as a few days ago she came to me to vent about some very serious and personal issues about her son. But never any mention of him? Is she embarrased? Why? Please help me. This is driving me NUTS!!

[JadenMia]

I really couldnt give you too much information about why she doesnt mention anything about him, at first i was going to say maybe she senses you like her and she decides to steer away from the subject in case of any awkardness between the two of you. But then i read you are married also.. So that wouldnt make sense as she probably wouldnt see it as a big deal to you if she knows you have a wife.
You couldnt have given off that vibe could you? That you liked her? Because maybe if you did, which is possible, thats what i thought when i read this.. Then she might find it inappropriate to talk to you about that kind of thing. Or even want to avoid any sort of disapointment or situations or anything..
She might just not feel the need to tell you anything or see you as that great a friend contrary to what you feel and have wrote.

All these are possibilities to explain whats going on.. Nobody here can really tell you whats going on in her head. Only she can. Why havnt you asked her yet? Surely you would be able to bring it upto her being good friends?

But i would just like to point out, i think you do like her. One of my guy friends doesnt say anything about his relationship, he didnt mention they moved in together or nothing. But it doesnt drive me too crazy he doesnt say anything.. I dont really think anything of it at all. And i might add, we did date in the past and sometimes i get a feeling he may not be completely over me. Just a hunch, but sometimes he does things a little out of ordinary of his personality.
Im just wondering if you wanted to find out the same thing? If she likes you but sees you as 'off limits'?
I dont mean to pry at all either, lol I just get the feeling you like her more than friends by this post... But good for you that your commitment to your wife is important!

[BrownDog52469]

Thanks JadenMia...

I'll be totally honest....I think she is fantastic. But I am committed to my marriage; and she would never do anything to interfere. There is a clear line between us that can't be crossed. That does not mean, however, that we can't be friends. On the contrary, I consider her and her son dear friends. Their well being is of great concern to me. Almost like a favorite little sister. To be very frank, even if circumstances were different I'd be crazy to seek out anything more with her. Good friends do not come along very often and she is one that I'd dare not lose. Our friendship is very honest and sincere and based on a tremendous level of support. It would take volumes to outline all of the 'issues' we have helped one another through. I can say confidently that we have had very positive influences on one anothers live over the past 5 or 6 years. I have no doubt told herthat she is an a beautiful woman and an amazing mother and that I want to see her find someone who can provide her with all that she deserves.....and that is sincere and can be said between us without being awkward. I've encouraged her and stood behind her decisionsion to get married when her family all but shunned her. I've held her hand in court when that mariage fell apart. At the same time we are just as comfortable teasing one another about our shortcommings. There is no awkwardness between us.....except in this one instance. On the rare occasion when his name does get mentioned I have asked how things are going with them. The response is always the same......no response. She'll avoid the subject or talk around the subject. She knows I will be supportive of whatever decisions she makes; and she knows that if things falter that I'm only a text or a phone call away and that I never judge her. This is why I'm so baffled. We always talk about our lives, our children and share all of goood times with each other. She knows that I would like nothing more than to hear her tell me about him and to hear the excitement in her voice and see her smile. That is why I cannot understand why she is so guarded about him.

[JadenMia]

Okay, well that does sound like a good friendship to have and if you are SURE about what you have wrote. No awkardness nothing like that.. Then i have NO idea why she wouldnt tell you and i kind of understand why you would want to know so bad. Because i do too! lol

No, really, you need to ask her straight out. 'Why is it you dont talk about your relationship with me at all? Why do you avoid the conversation completely?'
Havnt you asked her that? Or just asked about him and how things are going? Not actually approached this particular issue that she wont discuss anything?

You cant make her tell you, so i guess if all is said and done, and she still wont tell you. You will just have to accept and drop it.

[IncognitoSir]

If I had to guess, I'd say she feels guilty about it. I mean, she's about to marry her ex husbands BEST FRIEND. That's quite scandalous. Maybe she's ashame to speak to you about it in particular because you're her good guy friend.