What to do when you can't let go

[Wintermute]

This is a really long story so I'll try to summarize.

First of all, I know I will be judged for this but you have to believe I don't intentionally want to hurt anyone involved. I can't help how I feel.

I've been married for 7 years. My wife and I drifted apart over the last 2. We are not in love. I don't know whose fault it is. Maybe mine, maybe hers. At this point it doesn't matter. The point is, we were basically living as roommates, and the lonliness affected her more than it affected me. She became unfaithful.

After that, I became angry and jealous even though we were obviously not in love, which was strange... in any case, I was depressed, and I started talking to a female friend from the past who had been through something similar with her ex husband. We started talking a lot, even met in person a few times. I had always had a thing for her, even back before my wife and I were married. I fell pretty hard for her once I started getting to know her better. I kissed her once. That was the extent of our physical relationship. She admitted that she was crazy about me as well but couldn't let it go further.

Then she moved out of state. That was when I kissed her, because I thought to myself that some day, when I die, I didn't want to die without knowing what that would be like. But after she was gone I started missing her like crazy. Even my wife suspected that I was in love with her because it was affecting me so visibly.

I started acting like a jerk towards her (my friend). I was obsessing, thinking about her all day and all night. Dreaming about her. No joke. I have a feeling of despair that is so overwhelming that I just want to start screaming at the top of my lungs and breaking shit because I can't have her (I never have done that, nor will I, but it is literally that intense). We went back and forth a lot, fighting and making up. Trying to be just friends. I know it was my fault. I acted like a crazy person, because well, I'm crazy about her. But apparently I went too far because even though I apologized she hasn't spoken to me in almost a month. Now I don't know what to do. I am still married, but I have no feelings for my wife like I do for this woman. I feel like a horrible person.

I keep telling myself that I just want her (my friend) in my life, even if it's just as a friend with no possibility for anything more. But I know that if I had the money I would hop a plane right now to go see her and leave my whole life behind for her. I must be stupid, or crazy. I can't deal with this. Although apparently now I have no choice because she's not speaking to me anyway. I hate this. My happiness should not depend on another person like this. It has to be unhealthy. What should I do? I'm asking the women because I want to know, if you were in her position, and I kept going back and forth on you, saying I would just be your friend and then getting mad at you for not being in love with me, that must be a turn off, right? How many times would you forgive me for that? Will she ever get over it, or did I blow it? Should I even be worrying about that, considering the state of my marriage? I feel like a hopeless wretch of a man.

[oldskool83]

get divorced if your marige is over, if not try and save it with counsiling.

[Avg.]

I'm quite young and have never been married, but there's something more going on than being 'in love' with another woman or not 'in love' with your wife. There's a lack of love for yourself and there'sthis misery that you're allowing to rule your life because of your wife's infidelity.

You need a peace of mind. Nobody will provide that to you other than yourself. You're trying to fill this void looking for love in the loveless.

If I were her, I would disconnect all contact because you seem unstable and needy.

I don't know the extent of you and your wife's troubles, but I truly believe once you start becoming who YOU want to be, it rubs off on others. You don't want to be this person. So start somewhere to change these patterns. Maybe a divorce or warming up to your wife might be a place to start. Working out and meditating. Eating right. Nourishing yourself emotionally, physically and mentally.

I hope you get a peace of mind. You seem very self aware. Goodluck.

[Wintermute]

You need a peace of mind. Nobody will provide that to you other than yourself. You're trying to fill this void looking for love in the loveless.

If I were her, I would disconnect all contact because you seem unstable and needy.

once you start becoming who YOU want to be, it rubs off on others. You don't want to be this person. So start somewhere to change these patterns. Maybe a divorce or warming up to your wife might be a place to start. Working out and meditating. Eating right. Nourishing yourself emotionally, physically and mentally.

Thank you! Your response is uncanny, because I have recently come to some of those conclusions myself. Except for the part about being unstable and needy, I never once though of that as the reason she might be giving me the silent treatment, although I am sure you are right about that and I'm grateful for that point of view because it finally makes sense to me and that was the part that was bugging me the most. As for the rest, trying to change who I've become - I have only just begun making small changes but I have huge plans - I guess I just feel alone in the task and the changes I want to make are so numerous and I somewhat doubt that I will be able to truly change. But I am trying. I just can't understand why I feel this pain in my chest whenever I think of her, and why it won't go away. But maybe with time I will feel more confident in myself and as I start to see myself progress and become the man I really want to be I'll forget all about her. It just doesn't feel that way now. It's also hard to deal with the guilt of not loving my wife, and feeling such strong feelings for my friend. But thank you so much for the most useful feedback in a long time! I guess I will just keep making those small changes and hopefully I'll have happier things to post soon.

[Avg.]

Thank you! Your response is uncanny, because I have recently come to some of those conclusions myself. Except for the part about being unstable and needy, I never once though of that as the reason she might be giving me the silent treatment, although I am sure you are right about that and I'm grateful for that point of view because it finally makes sense to me and that was the part that was bugging me the most. As for the rest, trying to change who I've become - I have only just begun making small changes but I have huge plans - I guess I just feel alone in the task and the changes I want to make are so numerous and I somewhat doubt that I will be able to truly change. But I am trying. I just can't understand why I feel this pain in my chest whenever I think of her, and why it won't go away. But maybe with time I will feel more confident in myself and as I start to see myself progress and become the man I really want to be I'll forget all about her. It just doesn't feel that way now. It's also hard to deal with the guilt of not loving my wife, and feeling such strong feelings for my friend. But thank you so much for the most useful feedback in a long time! I guess I will just keep making those small changes and hopefully I'll have happier things to post soon.

Don't doubt yourself. You know the answers more well than I.
You have a plan, but don't get upset when it doesn't go your way.
The journey to self-discovery and self-love is a tedious one. I'm on it myself. And it's a beautiful journey to be on.

One thing my parents taught me: sacrifice.
You might have to sacrifice your marriage in order to flourish as a person. This woman you're in 'love' with will hinder this. Be rational, as hard as it is. But the time will come where the pangs in your heart will lessen and she'll just be another person you have love for but aren't in love with.

[Wintermute]

One thing my parents taught me: sacrifice.
You might have to sacrifice your marriage in order to flourish as a person. This woman you're in 'love' with will hinder this. Be rational, as hard as it is. But the time will come where the pangs in your heart will lessen and she'll just be another person you have love for but aren't in love with.

I have thought of this from time to time as well. The trouble with that from my perspective is threefold:
1. My (single) mother raised me to be very religious. To the point where it was not to be considered religion, but faith, and absolute truth. To this day I cannot shake the guilt of anything that would be considered a sin, and divorce is one of those things.
2. I know that if I were to divorce my wife, I must not immediately jump into a relationship with someone else, nor must I divorce under the desire for my friend (as you pointed out). I must divorce for myself alone, and I must accept that I will be alone. I am terrified of being alone.
3. Something I did not mention before, is that we have children together. I would feel incredibly guilty for leaving them as my father left us. I know it would not be the same, I believe I would stay in my children's lives always, but to a child, the pain of losing a parent is the same. They cannot understand. I don't want to put them through that.

[Avg.]

I have thought of this from time to time as well. The trouble with that from my perspective is threefold:
1. My (single) mother raised me to be very religious. To the point where it was not to be considered religion, but faith, and absolute truth. To this day I cannot shake the guilt of anything that would be considered a sin, and divorce is one of those things.
2. I know that if I were to divorce my wife, I must not immediately jump into a relationship with someone else, nor must I divorce under the desire for my friend (as you pointed out). I must divorce for myself alone, and I must accept that I will be alone. I am terrified of being alone.
3. Something I did not mention before, is that we have children together. I would feel incredibly guilty for leaving them as my father left us. I know it would not be the same, I believe I would stay in my children's lives always, but to a child, the pain of losing a parent is the same. They cannot understand. I don't want to put them through that.

Then save your marriage. But save yourself before trying to save someone else.

If you're religious: a family that prays together, stays together. Renew and regain your faith in God and Spirituality. Go to church with your family as a whole. Take little steps that not only bring your family together but help you and your wife to regain the same perspective on things. Exercise and cook together. Be a model for your children.
There's a reason why you're married to her. Maybe you both have something to teach each other.

[Avg.]

Letting go might mean building something newer and stronger. Both with yourself and with your family.