It's been a little while and I'm really trying to move on. I joined an online dating site just to see what's out there and have been corresponding via email with somebody but keeping things very very casual. But I'm really having a tough time over my recent situation. So anyway here goes.
When I was in high school my girlfriend introduced me to this really cool girl named Allie. We became good friends. Eventually me and the girlfriend broke up and stayed friends. I developed a minor crush on Allie but never acted on it because she was with somebody else at the time and I didn't want to break them up. I later found out she had a crush on me later on. I graduated in 2004. She graduated in 2005 and we grew apart. Went probably 5 years or so with no contact. I mean facebook friends yes, but not talking or hanging out or anything and I very rarely got on facebook so there was basically no contact.
Fast forward to the summer of 2010. She called me randomly out of the blue and said she missed seeing me and wanted to hang out sometime so we started texting back and forth. Then finally we started hanging out and I realized there was a lot more than friendship feelings going on from me. Then I realized it was the same for her. We decided to try something out but it was kind of weird and confusing and awkward. She was dating different people before I came into the picture and she had been going from boyfriend to boyfriend for years and didn't want that. I respected that and kept my distance for a while. But I kept liking her more and more and more. I finally told her that and she said she just didn't want a relationship. That's where it should have ended. But the more we hung out the more she couldn't keep her hands off of me. So we went on for like 6 freaking months and she started talking like she wanted a boyfriend. So I thought hey, here I am. I was starting to show her my intentions and was on the verge of asking her to be my girlfriend finally when she called me out of the blue and said our romantic situation wouldn't work that she just didn't want to be with anybody and she understood if i needed some time and what not.
Well I couldn't do much to stop it so I agreed to just be friends after a cooling off period. Well we started talking again after a couple weeks and I was ok and whatnot but then she started talking like she wanted to hang out again. I was about ready to so we decided she would come with me to my weekly gig one Wednesday. But Monday night I got home from work and facebook told me she was in a relationship all of a sudden. I was really hurt. I drank myself sick and told her I'm not ready to see her yet and explained that to her. Its been a couple weeks now since then and despite my asking for space 3 different times she is having a hard time with it. She keeps calling and texting me to say that she really misses me and wants to see me. I keep saying the more she contacts me the harder this is for me and the longer it will take for me to get over it. But she just won't leave me alone and everytime I get on facebook and see the picture with her new boyfriend I just feel so hurt.
I am firmly in the belief that whether she did it consciously or not she used me to fill the void of boyfriend in her life until she could find someone that she actually wanted to be her boyfriend. If it was anybody else I would tell her to go screw herself and leave me alone completely. But Allie is such a good friend I really don't want to lose that. I know we went 5 years without talking or seeing each other but I don't want to go that long again without seeing her. I like having her in my life even if it isn't as a girlfriend. I don't even know why I'm posting this but here it is. I feel betrayed and hurt. I wrote a song about it and put it on my youtube page. I usually post the videos right on facebook but I didn't put this one up because I'm afraid it will piss Allie off and I don't want to lose her friendship. This sucks...