I am new to this site and need some serious advice from an outsider's perspective.
My boyfriend of a year and a half, who I have lived with all along has Friday's off while I work so he usually stays up and plays video games on Thursday nights. Last Thursday I couldn't sleep so I went out to the living room and he had something up on his phone that he blatantly hid from me and obviously did not want me to see. Usually I would drop it, but it really bothered me this time so I nagged him for a few days and could tell that he was lying when he told me that he couldn't remember and "why would i risk a year and a half by doing something stupid."
It got to a point where the thought of it was consuming me, I just had this gut feeling so I logged into his e-mail (I know.. wrong!)I then discovered that he had been a member of 2 fetish websites, had a secret e-mail address, and even had Craig's list ads for sex partners! My immediate reaction was to pack all of my stuff into my vehicle. My boyfriend immediately left work and came home pleading that he couldn't lose me and how much he loved me. He claimed he never would have done anything physical or met anyone in real life, it was just a fantasy.I read through so many things on these websites and he had been speaking to at least one girl for many months and always told her how he wanted to cuddle with her, wished she had lived closer, he wanted to kiss her, wanted to have sex with her, and that he even wanted to take her camping with him, which is what we do together.
I think what hurts me the most is that he cheated on me emotionally. I decided to stay with him, but it's been 4 days and I can't even look at him. Our relationship will never be the same because I feel like he is always thinking about these other girls. I just don't get how a guy can tell a girl that he's never met that he wants to cuddle with her while his girlfriend is sleeping in his bed. HELLO! Go to bed and cuddle with your girlfriend. I can't have sex with him because I feel that he is just pretending that I'm one of his fantasy girls. I even cried when he told me that I was beautiful because it pretty much completely loses it's meaning when he posted on hundreds of girls' pictures online how beautiful they are.
This may seem trivial to some because he didn't physically cheat on me, but I have zero tolerance feelings towards cheating and I'm just hurt that he can tell me he loves me when he clearly has feelings for at least one other girl. I just don't know what to do at this point. I want to stay, but I want to leave. I'm not afraid to be single, but I just feel so invested in THIS relationship. Help. Please.