Need for Security, Love

[DartsInc]

Hi, thanks for taking the time to read.

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year, and have lived together for about eight months now. When we're happy, everything is great. However, I've recently begun to feel neglected and have an overall sadness following me. When I voice to him what is making me sad, the general reaction is him telling me why these feelings are ridiculous, and that I'm being silly. This leaves me even more sad and insecure. He does love me very much, but I feel like he only shows it when it's easy, and I need him to still show me he loves me even when I'm not quite so lovable.
I've asked him repeatedly to try to listen to me and understand where I'm coming from in these situations, so he can see why I'm sad, instead of just dismissing my feelings right away, but he tells me, "We are different people, so I can't understand you." I've also told him that all I need for him to do is to hold me and tell me how much he loves me when I'm sad, and that will help a great deal. He says that he is just not an affectionate person, and that I need to not be so sensitive.
Am I asking too much of him to be more sensitive to my feelings? I don't know how to "toughen up" to things like this, and I don't want to be sad and insecure like this forever.

[Mathias]

Look at it from the guy's end. It's extremely frustrating. You're great most of the time, yet there are random points, which are completely unpredictable, that you get sad, distant, and take your feelings out on him when he doesn't do the "right" thing.

[DartsInc]

I understand the frustration he may be experiencing, but the things I'm sad about are not actually that ridiculous, and they are not random or unpredictable. I do not "take my feelings out on him;" I express very clearly exactly what it is that is making me this way, and why. Also, I am not asking for him to invest entire afternoons into this, just ten minutes to understand my point of view and a couple of hugs to pull me out and help me to feel loved. I also understand that this is not ideal for him, but it is a need for me. Is this asking too much?

[Mathias]

I understand the frustration he may be experiencing, but the things I'm sad about are not actually that ridiculous, and they are not random or unpredictable. I do not "take my feelings out on him;" I express very clearly exactly what it is that is making me this way, and why. Also, I am not asking for him to invest entire afternoons into this, just ten minutes to understand my point of view and a couple of hugs to pull me out and help me to feel loved. I also understand that this is not ideal for him, but it is a need for me. Is this asking too much?

You don't think this comes across as extremely needy?

For example, he doesn't notice your new haircut. You spend 5 minutes telling him why he's insensitive for doing so. Then you want hugs and to be reassured.

It's not fair to him, especially since he's not an emotional person.

[DartsInc]

To think I get sad because he hasn't noticed my hair cut is ridiculous. I am a rational person, and the types of things that upset me are his constant working, when he's with me, even if we only have one hour out of the day together, hiis relationships with girls who are clearly interested in him, things of that nature.

[Mathias]

To think I get sad because he hasn't noticed my hair cut is ridiculous. I am a rational person, and the types of things that upset me are his constant working, when he's with me, even if we only have one hour out of the day together, hiis relationships with girls who are clearly interested in him, things of that nature.

I was using that as an example.

If he really is working all the time he's with you, that's an issue. But some people do need to work outside the office.

He's allowed to have friends. Yes, even if you think those friends have a crush on him.

Again, I can see this becoming frustrating for him. He can't control how much he has to work. He deserves to have friends. I'm still not seeing it.

[DartsInc]

I'm not just assuming they are interested when they have openly admitted to him that they have feelings for him. but these are not the issues I'd like to discuss at this time. is it honestly too much to ask for a hug? he says he is not affectionate, but in reality he actually is very much, he really only is cold and insensitive when I need him to be just the opposite.

[Mathias]

I'm not just assuming they are interested when they have openly admitted to him that they have feelings for him. but these are not the issues I'd like to discuss at this time. is it honestly too much to ask for a hug? he says he is not affectionate, but in reality he actually is very much, he really only is cold and insensitive when I need him to be just the opposite.

If you do it constantly, especially after telling him how upset you feel about something he's doing, then yes, it's too much to ask.

He has feelings too, and you're messing with them every time you do that.

[IndiReloaded]

I understand the frustration he may be experiencing, but the things I'm sad about are not actually that ridiculous, and they are not random or unpredictable. I do not "take my feelings out on him;" I express very clearly exactly what it is that is making me this way, and why. Also, I am not asking for him to invest entire afternoons into this, just ten minutes to understand my point of view and a couple of hugs to pull me out and help me to feel loved. I also understand that this is not ideal for him, but it is a need for me. Is this asking too much?

Frankly, yes. Its not his job to make you happy. Figure out ways to make yourself happy and less emotionally dependent on this guy (or anyone). Mind, if he can't give you a hug when you ask, that seems a bit cold. Maybe you two just aren't compatible.

[DartsInc]

If this is such an ordeal for him, what should I do now? I don't want to be sad my entire life, and I have been trying to deal with this on my own. Just as much as he deserves to be cold, I deserve to feel loved and appreciated at all times. I'm a very sensitive person, and have been as long as I can remember. My attempts at getting over issues like this on my own just leave me down and longing for him to be there for me when I'm having hard times. Is our relationship doomed because of these differences?

[Mathias]

If this is such an ordeal for him, what should I do now? I don't want to be sad my entire life, and I have been trying to deal with this on my own. Just as much as he deserves to be cold, I deserve to feel loved and appreciated at all times. I'm a very sensitive person, and have been as long as I can remember. My attempts at getting over issues like this on my own just leave me down and longing for him to be there for me when I'm having hard times. Is our relationship doomed because of these differences?

By using phrases such as "this is such an ordeal for him", "he deserves to be cold", and "I deserve to be loved", it's clear that you're blaming him for your sadness, and you've decided he's at fault here. Plus, I'm sure you're not just using that language with us - you're using it with him as well. That's manipulative and hurtful to him.

I wouldn't want to hug you either after that.

[Cerby]

Look at it from the guy's end. It's extremely frustrating. You're great most of the time, yet there are random points, which are completely unpredictable, that you get sad, distant, and take your feelings out on him when he doesn't do the "right" thing.

My gf is exactly like this, except that she doesn't take anything out on me, she just goes crazy unpredictable and distant. Instead of sad, she gets grumpy and doesn't want to talk at all. Talk about seriously frustrating, it leaves me questioning my relationship sometimes, and that isn't good for either of us. I quoted Mathias because this is exactly what I got from the guys persepctive on your original post.

Yes, you have a problem with him, but you're also making emotional swings that are hard to read/understand. As a guy in this situation, I would start get get frustrated/give up on the problem because it doesn't appear to have a solution that I could easily/readily see.

[JadenMia]

As much as i agree with what has been said. This is actually your problem, not his. To an extent.
You need to be able to feel happy within yourself, you need to get your mind off feeling this sadness.. Maybe it is some sort of depression? I was depressed for a long time and this is kind of how i felt like. I wanted to reach out to anyone close to me to make me better again. Yet, they dont understand how you feel so cannot really help you at all. It is YOU that can get rid of this sadness. Fill your life with activities, friends, stay out of the same old routine you have going on and get out a little bit.
Can you imagine how frustrating for him this is? Your constant sadness, you needing him to hug you? It sounds childish. You need to be strong on your own and not feel so dependant on him for your happiness.

That being said, he is being cold for not wanting to make you feel better. The way he is handling it probably making things worse..Which may i add isnt his fault. How is he supposed to know these things? But i am sure if he was feeling down and wanted reassurance you would be happy to give it to him right? Point that out. BUT, he has probably had enough of you doing this if its all the time.
I think you need to apologise to him. STOP blaming him for your sadness because that in itself is very selfish and he knows it and probably resents you being like this. Explain how you feel, how you would feel better if he gave you a few reassuring hugs and nice words time to time and when you are feeling like this. And then vow you are going to put an end to your neediness and make big changes in order to help yourself.
If not for yourself, for your relationship also if it means alot to you.

[DartsInc]

As much as i agree with what has been said. This is actually your problem, not his. To an extent.
You need to be able to feel happy within yourself, you need to get your mind off feeling this sadness.. Maybe it is some sort of depression? I was depressed for a long time and this is kind of how i felt like. I wanted to reach out to anyone close to me to make me better again. Yet, they dont understand how you feel so cannot really help you at all. It is YOU that can get rid of this sadness. Fill your life with activities, friends, stay out of the same old routine you have going on and get out a little bit.
Can you imagine how frustrating for him this is? Your constant sadness, you needing him to hug you? It sounds childish. You need to be strong on your own and not feel so dependant on him for your happiness.

That being said, he is being cold for not wanting to make you feel better. The way he is handling it probably making things worse..Which may i add isnt his fault. How is he supposed to know these things? But i am sure if he was feeling down and wanted reassurance you would be happy to give it to him right? Point that out. BUT, he has probably had enough of you doing this if its all the time.
I think you need to apologise to him. STOP blaming him for your sadness because that in itself is very selfish and he knows it and probably resents you being like this. Explain how you feel, how you would feel better if he gave you a few reassuring hugs and nice words time to time and when you are feeling like this. And then vow you are going to put an end to your neediness and make big changes in order to help yourself.
If not for yourself, for your relationship also if it means alot to you.

Thank you, JadenMia. I understand that I need to be strong on my own, and I don't blame him for me being sad if he is not the reason. Only when he was been extremely rude or out-of-line with me do I ever blame him (i.e. yelling at me for an hour for not picking up my three shopping bags when I was in a hurry, running out the door.) There is a lot more going on in our relationship that has contributed to my feelings, and I'm glad you can understand that without me spelling out every detail. I am also trying to work on myself, that is what I'm trying to do here. This is my first post, but there will be many more in the future as I process everything. Now, I do ask him to help me, because while Mathias said it is not his 'job' to make me happy, why on earth would someone not want to help their SO when they're so sad, and the fix is so easy. Thank you for seeing where I'm coming from and addressing both perspectives. The other comments I received were not nearly as helpful.

[bulrush]

Everyone needs affection. Some need more than others. I will comment on 2 things here.

1. Your man needs to show you more affection. You plainly said it's your need, and affection is free. He needs to man up and just do it.

2. You might be helped if you got some happiness from yourself. You can't just wait around for others to make you happy. If you do, you will feel sad and miserable.

It might also turn out that he is not compatible with you. Sounds like you need someone more affectionate. Time for you to think about how your life will be if he doesn't ever change.

I wasn't always good at making my girlfriends feel better when they were down. But at least I tried. And over time I learned what, in general, they like when they are down. And some girls simply need some good old-fashioned chocolate. But really, if he does want to change it will take time and your constant help.