Talking about ex means not over her yet?

[Love&Life]

Lately I am kind a seeing a guy, he's in his early 40's. His last real long relationship was 7 years ago, but had many other flings after her. But he talks about his ex, for my ears, a bit too often. She moved on, and he says he broke up with her because they didn't connect enough (they were engaged).

Last time they phoned was 9 months ago about her pregnancy. Which I think it's a too intimate subject.

My point of view is that when you talk about your ex, you're not over her, you're still longing for her. He says, it is not about her, but the fact that he was young and succesfull in that period: he was physically in good shape (very important to him), saw his friends a lot, he had a sorrowfree life.

He also talks about his past lovers,which I don;t mind as long as it is not too detailed, but I don't understand why he still is in touch with his ex-fiancee. They haven't seen each other in many years, so it is not they have a friendship.

I think once you talk about your ex, you ring a bell that can't be unrung.

What do you think about this? Is he still longing for her? Keeping the door open?

[doppelgaenger]

Kind of seeing a guy? What the hell is that?

[pisces25]

Hey LL
I don't think it means he is keeping the door open for her. She has moved on so it is pretty reasonable to think it is completely over.
I am still friends with my ex's and often catch up with one in particular but it doesn't mean I want to be with him romantically. He is more like a brother to me actually.

It sounds like the guy you're seeing is mourning that period of his life overall not just the women that was in it at the time. And that would ring alarm bells for me because it means he hasn't moved on from his past and is not living and enjoying the present moment. We often idealise the past and then think we need to find the same thing to be happy again but it isn't the case.

I suppose at this point you can't really bring it up with him but if it turns into something serious maybe point out to him that he seems to talk about her a lot and see what he says. I wouldn't worry too much though.

[SwampDonkey47]

Personally, I think it's not right that he keeps in touch with or talks about his ex like he does. I don't necessarily think it means he wants her, or is keeping her as a back-up in case you and him don't work out, but it does indicate that he's not quite let it go. Often, at the start of the relationship, you talk about your previous experiences with other people to help to get to know each other and to establish the ground rules i.e. my ex did this and I really can't stand that sort of thing! And referring back to previous situations sometimes helps to get your point across if you are unhappy about something. But who's to say what he is doing is wrong? Maybe he can't truly move on without the help of someone else. I loved with a girl once, when we split after 5-years I was heartbroken. I met someone within 4-days. Everyone said (of course) that it would never work and it didn't. But between meeting her and splitting we had 15-years together and produced 2-fabulous children. So who's to say what's right and what's wrong. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. If you're not happy, tell him. If it makes you feel uncomfortable that he keeps in touch with her tell him. It's not demanding, it's not controlling, it's being open about what you want and true to yourself. Good luck.

Lately I am kind a seeing a guy, he's in his early 40's. His last real long relationship was 7 years ago, but had many other flings after her. But he talks about his ex, for my ears, a bit too often. She moved on, and he says he broke up with her because they didn't connect enough (they were engaged).

Last time they phoned was 9 months ago about her pregnancy. Which I think it's a too intimate subject.

My point of view is that when you talk about your ex, you're not over her, you're still longing for her. He says, it is not about her, but the fact that he was young and succesfull in that period: he was physically in good shape (very important to him), saw his friends a lot, he had a sorrowfree life.

He also talks about his past lovers,which I don;t mind as long as it is not too detailed, but I don't understand why he still is in touch with his ex-fiancee. They haven't seen each other in many years, so it is not they have a friendship.

I think once you talk about your ex, you ring a bell that can't be unrung.

What do you think about this? Is he still longing for her? Keeping the door open?

[Love&Life]

Thank you to both. SwampDonkey, thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts, very helpful.

[oldskool83]

there is no real reason to talk about an ex that much. if there is a tie i could kinda understand it some what.

you could always just say babe, its ok you got me, you dont need to talk about her anymore. maybe he needs some comfort.

[Love&Life]

Oldskool, I like what you're saying, never thought about it like that.

[oldskool83]

i guess i thought of that cuz my gf did it to me kinda. i on the other hand have a reason to talk about my ex cuz she works out of my house for a few more months yet and owes me tons of money. one night my g/f came over we were hanging on the sofa and i guess i said somthing cuz i was pissed off about it...and she said now start from the beiing and tell me what happened again. she knew but i guess just wanted to let me vent...thats what she said later that night. after that i didnt ever say much anymore.