What wonderful mess do I find myself in now?

[findingaway]

Hi,

I posted here before.*[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/53429-how-do-you-understand-your-feelings-advice-needed-about-girl-new-post.html[/url]

To catch up, I entered into a relationship with my friend, now girlfriend.*

After one night when we ended up in bed with each other, she asked why I didn't want to be with her again. I said because I didn't think it would work long term, once the excitement wore off. She said she couldn't see me again as a friend, so weighing up all the possibilities, I decided to go for it as the relationship failing was surely worth the risk of not seeing her again as a friend anyway.

It of course doesn't help that we work next to each other or that I blatantly ignored my gut instinct.*

So three weeks in and there have been a lot of issues. I find her controlling and wanting me to conform to a certain idealised image. She seems to want a lot, which I am criticised as not reaching but gives little in return. There is a lot of points scoring and keeping tabs. But above all, what eats away at me is her spiteful comments. I guess she feels she needs to defend herself when I tell her how I feel - like when she met my parents and worried my mum sick by taking my 14 sis out to buy cigs drunk (my mum found cigs in my little sisters bag a while back and worried she'd be led astray and start smoking again). Whatever the reason (and she doesn't know as ive asked her) it's inexcusable.

You might be thinking 'so what's to decide?'. Well, firstly I think I should give it a good go plus I find her attractive, have great sex and she's intelligent. *I think it would be wrong to try change her for who she is, but how she conducts herself with others is completely different from how she is with me (read about controlling people of your not sure what I mean).*

Advice at how I go about creating a closer bond and moving past these difficulties would be most welcome!*

I must admit, I am a little concerned that even if we sort things, will these issues raise their ugly head later down the line?

If your advice is to break-up with her, which I am prepared to do, then how do I minimalise the car crash that will ensue (I work with the girl)?

[IncognitoSir]

There's not much damage control you can do. this is the bed you made unfortunately. She is who she is man and their is nothing you can do to change her. You know you need to break up with her. Sounds like she might go buck wild too lol. **** it, do it anyway. She'll never make you happy so might as well end it. Just get all your belongings from her and sit her down and talk it out. No more relationship because she sucks as a gf and why would you want to have a friendship with someone like her? Just end it.

[findingaway]

Er, thanks...you do speak the truth tho.

What makes you think she'll go 'buck wild?'

[devonbrown]

I agree with IncognitoSir. There is not much left to be done at this point other than the breakup. You decided to get into a relationship with her, and now you realize that she is not who you thought she was. It happens. The rest of it doesn't really matter. The fact that you work with her is just going to make it harder on you, but that is the situation that *you* created. You need to take a little bit of responsibility here, because you made choices as well. Just suck it up and do it. There is no damage control to do until after the damage is done. So just be prepared.

[findingaway]

Thanks. I don't think I ever alluded to not taking responsibility for my actions.

So how do I do this to minimalise the damage?

Is there not an argument to say stick at it for a bit?

[devonbrown]

You have already stuck with it. She is toxic. Well, at least she is when combined with your life outside of you and her in bed.

As for minimalizing the damage... that is what I mean about not taking responsibility for your choices. You seem to want to be able to end this and not have there be consequences. But there will be. There is no avoiding that. You can't minimalize things that haven't happened yet. You can't prepare an emergency kit for a break-up, because all break-ups are very different.

You simply have to do the deed and then see what happens. You have to go with the flow and react to the damage. You can't control it. (wasn't control one of your concerns?) Just deal with the issue (the shape your relationship is in) and move forward.

If you really want to make a go at staying together with her, it will just make it that much more difficult in the long run.

Good luck.

[findingaway]

Thanks. All true and difficult to hear.

Yes I would like to 'control' the situation and I'm not saying I am not trying to control things in general, but believe me, I am very aware of what makes a controller and what to look for. I recognise she is an individual and respect her for who she is. Reading 'controlling people' I realise that I have had these tendencies in the past but not to any great degree and not now to the extent that I don't recognise her for her.

I find she seems tho to want me to be someone else.

[devonbrown]

I find she seems tho to want me to be someone else.

Well, with this in mind, if you want to stay with her, you will have to try to be someone else.

Does that sound reasonable?

Have respect for who you are and if it means losing her friendship, that sucks, but it might be all that is left.

Good luck.

[findingaway]

No, it doesn't

If I were to give it a bit longer...what would you recommend I do?