Right Man, Wrong Place

[IsisBlue]

Hi all,
I find myself in a dilemma. Your opinions appreciated.

I'm a 35 year old woman living in a small European city. I have been here a little short of a decade. The first few years were great. After those years, I started becoming bored of this place and its people. People are very independent here and the social language is not English. Being single and having no family around makes me rather bored and lonely. I started travelling a lot to keep sane. The only thing going good for me the last few years is my career progression.

Last year, after visiting NYC, I decided to move to a bigger city where I can participate in the society, say Hi to my neighbour and have meaningful conversations..all in English. I also miss a place with high tolerance to different cultures and races. This country I live in is rated as the most racist country in Europe.

The dilemma is that I met a man online. Though initially the intention on both sides was to just date, our feelings developed quickly.

Why is this a dilemma? Well, he is an American single dad with two young kids.

I know, people have a whole list of typical issues they face when dating a single dad. My situation is a bit different. The key problem I have is that his ex was unhappy in the USA where they lived. So they moved back to her tiny village in Europe and supposedly believe that it is better for the kids.

My dilemma is that I have fallen deeply for this man. The only problem is that being with him means I have to stay in this country which I cannot foresee myself staying in. I am hoping that with him in my life, my lifestyle may differ from now and hence may improve my chance of happiness in this country. But I have thought this over.

Being with him does not change the coldness of people here, that English is a secondary language, the fact that everything is closed by 5pm and people can hardly afford cars.

We have discussed this. He is not happy with this country too but is staying for his kids. I, on the other hand, do not have this greater purposes. He thinks I will change my mind when we have our own children. In fact, the opposite is true.

I would like my children to learn in English and be citizens of the world. The only option for that here is to attend international schools. There is a severe lack of place at the internationals schools here. It has been listed as a major factor why expats leave.

So what should I do? Stay with the man or leave on my own and lose him? If I commit to him and have children together, then will I be trapped here and have no chance of ever leaving the country?

I have brought up my concerns with him and he is confident we will live well here with each other but he does not say how. Since we do not know each other very very well, I feel so insecure.

[doppelgaenger]

Which country is the most racist country in Europe? I think that's debatable... and what is your problem with not speaking English?

[HeartIsAching]

Her flag in her profile is the Danish flag.

[devonbrown]

A couple things here... First, you said you met this guy online, but has it developed into a relationship in real life yet? As in, have you met him, spent time with him, etc? Or are you basing everything on how you feel from meeting him online? Because if it hasn't progressed to you two seeing each other in real life yet, then I wouldn't worry too much as there is still a long way to go.

The other point I want to make is that people have ideas for their life and things they want to do, etc. Whenever you give up some of those things for someone else, you normally wind up regretting them. And regret is a horrible thing. Now, giving things up for someone is not the same as compromising, but if you have your heart set on getting away, then if you stay you will wind up regretting your decision and resenting him.

I understand his desire to stay for his children. And it sounds like you respect that. Unfortunately, that might mean that you two are just not meant to be.

Good luck.