Did my friend take advantaege of my feelings for him?

[bluerose88]

I was in love with my friend whom I’ve known for years. We’re both 17 now. I never told him about my feelings but I was a devoted friend to him. I helped him with all sorts of problems, did his homework and did special, thoughtful things for him all the time. His feelings for me are less clear. He seemed happiest when we’re together and when we’re alone, he’d hold my hand, give me hugs and cradle my face in his hands. But because he’s someone who loves to laugh, joke around and flirt, his actions just left me confused. I must mention that he is handsome and popular and girls are after him all the time.

And then a mix-up of our things resulted to him accidentally finding out my feelings for him. I was so mortified but we never spoke about the incident. He didn’t seem weirded out and he continued to treat me with the same teasing affection. The year before my family and I had to move away, a girl entered the picture. Almost immediately, she started throwing herself at him and I could tell that although he didn’t take her seriously at first, he was starting to get interested in her. The day before I left, I gave him a silver necklace and a handmade card thanking him for his friendship. As for him, he just said thanks and waved a casual goodbye. That’s about it. I was so hurt. I promised to myself I will move on and forget about him.

Fast forward to last year. He texted me and asked me to help him with his high school thesis. I told him I was busy but he begged me to help him. I ended up doing everything – the research, the leg work, the statistical analysis and the whole manuscript. The whole time I was doing his thesis, we communicated through text, chats and emails. In our conversations, he was as friendly and teasing as ever. He was mildly flirtatious, making jokes like “I promise to kiss you after this” or “You really miss me, don’t you?” Although I’d vowed not to expect anything, his words made me feel like I’m special to him.

After I was done with his thesis, he texted to thank me. I felt acutely disappointed. I expected that after all the hard work I’ve done for him, he’d at least make more effort to show his appreciation than just sending a text message. Maybe flowers or a small gift or a dinner? I don’t live that far. His parents own a restaurant and they’re well-off.

And then I found out that he had a girlfriend the whole time (it was that girl) and that they’re crazy about each other. I felt like my heart died in me. I felt used and manipulated. We recently chatted on IM for a few minutes. I didn’t say anything about his gf. He was still friendly and jocular like he hasn’t done anything wrong.

But has he? I feel heartbroken but I’m also confused. Do I have the right to feel hurt and used? After all, he’s my friend and when we were together he’d always come to me for help. Did I just mistake his friendliness for something more? I get it that some guys are just natural flirts but is that an excuse?

Was it ok for him to flirt with me (even just a little) and to ask me for a big favor knowing how I felt about him?
I can’t believe that a guy would be totally unaware of what he’s doing when he flirts with a girl that he knows is in love with him.

Please tell me – was he being deliberately selfish or was he just clueless about how I would feel?

[DarkHelmet82]

Hes playing head games and honestly sounds like a TOOL and not a very good friend.

[Wakeup]

“I promise to kiss you after this” or “You really miss me, don’t you?”

You should have said: "Not good enough buddy... This is going to cost you $100.00 or you don't get it at all.

In the future, If you want to do something nice for someone, do it becuase you want to not because you expect something back. That way, if you don't get anything back, you won't be disappointed. Also: Never, never try to buy your way into someones emotional connection to you. If he liked you the way you liked him, he would have made a sexual / romantic move towards you a long time ago.

This is about you and your lack of confidence in yourself.. He's a jerk who takes advantage of people and you just enabled him to be jerky. Delete him from all means of contact and forget he existed. Thank him for teaching you a lesson about self-worth, confidence and the art of assertiveness because I'd hope that you will never allow yourself to be taken advantage of again by someone who doesn't appreciate you nor will you expect something back if you choose to do something for someone. Learn to be able to say the word "NO" to people if doing it is not in their's or your's best interests.

Now... Stop chasitsing yourself and looking for validation for your feelings. Own your responsibilty in all this and be grateful you've learned valuable life lessons for the future.

Before you block and delete him.. Send his parents your invoice by snail mail for $100.00 for your work and sit back and let the shit hit the fan.

*hugs to you*

[sadie_genie]

In the future, If you want to do something nice for someone, do it becuase you want to not because you expect something back. That way, if you don't get anything back, you won't be disappointed. Also: Never, never try to buy your way into someones emotional connection to you.

That is not how human psychology work. When a person gives something (whether it is a favor or a material gift), the giver expects something back (although, it doesn't necessarily have to be anything specific. Can be a heartfelt thank-you or whatever it may be). There is nothing wrong with buying him a gift since it is her way of expressing her affection. Hell, I would LOVE to receive a thoughtful gift from a guy because giving things (to me) is one of the highest sign of affection especially if he worked hard for his money or doesn't have much of it.

But honestly, I don't think he is malicious. He probably didn't think much about the gift, didn't think he was hurting you, and he just likes to flirt alot. If he isn't stupid, he knows you like him. I am almost positive, he knows. He just likes another girl more. : ( It is ok, Bluerose, there will be plenty of more guys you will meet in the future.

[IncognitoSir]

Wow, I can't believe you didn't learn your lesson the first time. Of course he's taking advantage of you. A rich kid at that. He could of paid someone to do it for him, but instead he calls you up to do it for free. Come on, no contact and then one day he texts you asking if you can do his whole damn thesis????????WTF is that? He knows he has the power over you and is using the hell out of you. F$uck that douchebag and a half. Don't even talk to that geek anymore.

[Wakeup]

That is not how human psychology work.

You're taking me too literally. Her expectations of what he would give her in return for what she did for him led her to be disappointed and saddened. If all she "expected" was a thankyou then she would not be let down.

There is nothing wrong with buying him a gift since it is her way of expressing her affection.

Are you serious? he has never shown her affection back the way she wants him too. Why show him affection and then feel used when once again he disappoints. That's the definition of insanity.. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Hell, I would LOVE to receive a thoughtful gift from a guy because giving things (to me) is one of the highest sign of affection especially if he worked hard for his money or doesn't have much of it.

i suggest you re-read the opentin post. This is the exact opposit to what op had happen. Everyone love receiving gifts (well most everyone) but if you're not getting any loving action back and one person keeps giving and giving and getting f*ck all back.. then that's called being co-dependent, desperate and being a door mat.

But honestly, I don't think he is malicious. He probably didn't think much about the gift, didn't think he was hurting you, and he just likes to flirt alot.

You don't know much about men who are players and users then IMO.

If he isn't stupid, he knows you like him. I am almost positive, he knows. He just likes another girl more. : (

Doesn't matter.. bottom line is she needs to learn to say no to people. He needs to earn his own degree by doing his own work and she needs to stop letting him take advantage of her with his sweet talk.

It is ok, Bluerose, there will be plenty of more guys you will meet in the future.

Thats about the only thing you've said that I agree with.

[bluerose88]

You should have said: "Not good enough buddy... This is going to cost you $100.00 or you don't get it at all.

You made me smile despite myself.

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I'll make sure to follow your advice.

What you implied that I do things for people simply because I expect a reward is not exactly true. I do things for my friends and family all the time and I do them out of sincere affection and concern.

I’ve known this guy for many years and at first, everything seemed to be great. He seemed to like me a lot. We spent hours together everyday talking and enjoying each other’s company. The things that I did for him, the little thoughtful gestures , the gifts…they were not meant to “buy” his affections. To me, they were simply a part of what I thought friends naturally do for each other. It’s not like I followed him around with flowers and gifts or constantly showed up at his door offering my services.
(I almost feel like I’m defending myself and apologizing for having been nice to him.)

I’m not materialistic and I don’t expect a reward every time I help others. It’s just that I thought when you’re in a relationship, there has to be some kind of reciprocity, y’know? I neglected to mention that it was my birthday two days before we parted and he completely forgot it. It’s kinda hard not to have some expectations at that point. I was not forcing him to like me romantically but I did expect him to make an effort as a friend.

Yes, I was his doormat and if my “expectations” were partly to blame for my getting hurt, then I guess you’re right.
Thank you so much and have a great day!

[bluerose88]

Thank you so much everyone.

Your kind words and advice really help me to get over this guy. I already changed my cp number and blocked him on IM, email etc. I'm trying to delete him from my life. If only I could delete him from my memory, too.

*hugs to everyone*