How do I get over this?

[chica]

Hello all. My boyfriend of four months and I broke up a couple nights ago. During our relationship, he started showing signs of severe problems with anxiety. He had a "nervous breakdown" once, where he went to a psychologist, we broke up, and got back together because he seemed like he learned how to handle his stress. But recently he had another "breakdown" that was much more severe...and he exhibited paranoid thoughts, and also obsessive thoughts about feeling guilty for things that he did in his past. This lasted for days.

We had been long distance (about three hours away) for three weeks, so that put strains on the relationship. (We saw each other almost every day in college).

I tried to hint to him that maybe this relationship wasn't good for his health (I realize now he probably always had this mental issue but it just surfaced now, but everything got worse when we started dating). I wanted to do what was best for his health but I didn't want to lose him. He called me later and said he thought I was right about this relationship not being good for either of us right now.

However, I'm having a really hard time trying to let go of everything. I know the thing that he needs most right now is to not maintain contact with me to keep his feelings from getting all confusing when he's already trying to deal with so much. He has a great support system with his friends and family, and I would like to be part of that, but I know that as an ex, I have to keep my distance for both of our own good.

But just a few days ago, we had been planning on finally seeing each other in person for the first time in three weeks. We were both so excited and we've shared so many good memories together. We were very so much in love. We thought we shared the same values and the same outlook on life, and although we tried to take things a day at a time, I saw myself spending years with this guy. When everything was 'normal', it was fantastic. I had never been so happy in my life.

So now I"m trying to grasp the fact that all of our dreams are broken and that his mental issue is really more serious than I once thought. He seems like two completely different people now, the him when he is normal and the him when he gets "nervous breakdowns" and becomes paranoid and delusional.

Logicaly, I know we're better off like this because I know that his mental state showed that he wasn't really ready for our relationship. But when I try to go to sleep I cry and cry thinking about how well I thought things were going and how quick everything came tumbling down.

I feel painfully lonely right now and I don't know how to not feel like that. I was planning on seeing him this weekend before all this happened. I deleted him from my phone because I knew I would be tempted to call him. I"m trying to not be a Facebook stalker but curiosity makes me really wonder what he's up to.

And it's not just the normal "I wonder what my ex is up to" thought, but I want to be sure he's okay. I feel like I got cut off when he's at one of the hardest points in his life, and I can't stop worrying about him. I know he'll be ok if he accepts that he can't solve everything on his own, goes to a counselor for quite a while, and becomes determined to face this and get through it....but I'm still afraid, what if he doesn't get over this?

And I'm really sad too because I think I"ve accepted that we can never really be boyfriend and giflriend again, even though I haven't truly accepted it. I feel like he's too unstable, and I want to support him and love him (I still do), but i would always have fear of him becoming paranoid and acting delusional again, and it leading to worse things. I feel horrible because just because he has a mental illness doesn't mean that I don't love him, but it made things so much harder, and I don't know how I would trust him again. But I still really love him and I remember all the good times we had.

I don't really know where to go from here: upset: . I feel really lonely, a tad depressed, shocked and worried. Any suggestions?

Thanks

[deepika_16]

Hey,
It seems you are in double state of mind and can't decide what to do now. Your mind says that this relation is off now but your heart is not accepting it hence you are drowned in stress and sadness. Try to figure out actually what you need this time - your love or your life. Love needs sacrifice and it's true that sometime he may be in a good mental state and you both would have a happy life together. But do one thing for sure, whatever you decide be firm on that and try to forget another choice. See the bright of life; life is so beautiful and live cheerfully. Whle wandering to and fro for good love and relation advices eventually I came to know about a [URL="http://myboyisanidiot.com"]good online platform[/URL] which offers it's users to ask questions and guide others as well.

Thanks

[chica]

I'm only 19, about to be 20, so maybe that's why I seem "naive".

But that's another reason why it's so hard for me to choose....if I would have been older, I might have stayed. But I have so many dreams and aspirations and I can't let someone's mental health affect me, even though I know that sounds selfish.

And I think you're exactly right, my heart wants to stay or try to still have hope for a future together but my mind tells me that this situation is not good for me, that there are more people out there, that I can find someone who is more stable, that I can find someone more special that him, even though that seems impossible right now I think my decision is to not have hope of getting back together with him because that's not what I need, but I feel so torn. :/

[MaidenMinx]

I feel for you I really do, and I can understand why you are torn.

Part of me wants to tell you to contact his family and see how he's doing. That part of me also wants to tell you that people with mental health issues deserve love too and that love has no room selfishness.

The other part of me wants to congratulate you for doing what you need to do for you and him. That part of me wants to assure you that you are young and have plenty of time to find someone new.

Now I will tell you about my other half. My man has a problem with alcohol. His mother passed away from alcohol related illness when he was 15. His dad was a heavy drinker too. After about 8 beers, my man does a Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde thing. After about a dozen beers I can barely stand him. I can't trust him drunk either. He doesn't get that drunk that often and I have learnt to go to bed when he gets like this. He does drink every day but he rarely goes over a 6 pack anymore. It's not the greatest situation but he is the greatest guy so I cope with it.

[chica]

MaidenMinx, not to sound rude, but how do you deal with that? I mean, your "other half" is probably a great guy sober But don't you worry about him "turning" and doing horrible things when he's drunk? Has he gotten any help for this? Are you worried that he will always be like this and always have problems with alcohol? Doesn't this drain you emotionally? (Thank you for telling me about your partner though, I appreciate you sharing information that personal)

I think that's what I"m worried about with my ex. The long term... I don't want to be his crutch because that does him no good. And I don't think I could handle never knowing when he would turn, even though I think that people with mental illness do entirely deserve love, but they have to learn to cope with it themselves first so it doesn't hurt those around them. I'm ay. And this is harsh, but I don't know if I could deal with the emotional strains of being in a relationship like that. smart girl, but also compassionate. I've had anxiety issues and depression when my mom passed away, but nothing as severe as what he has. And I know that while people can recover, they always have to stay on top of their mental illness to be ok, and they can always relapse. It never really goes awa

And I only spent four months with my exboyfriend. He was a great guy when he wasn't having one of his episodes, but I wonder how much I idealized him and saw everything in rosy colors...what I might have overlooked....

[MaidenMinx]

When it comes to dealing with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde I guess I have many ways of coping. To start with, because it is a drinking issue, I can sometimes prevent things from getting to far. That depends entirely on him though. Sometimes he will accept when I pull him up and say that's enough, sometimes he won't. When he won't, I get the hell away from him until he is sober again.

As for the worry, my biggest one is that he will die young of alcohol related illness. That one hurts when I let myself dwell on it and makes me wonder if I should have cut my losses sooner, because I know I am in for a world of pain. I simply love him too much to leave on a maybe. I also choose to hope for the best. Which brings me to your next question..

Treatment. We have discussed this often. He has attempted drug and alcohol counselling but that didn't do much. We have discussed him going to rehab (proper alcohol related rehab) but the down side to that is it's about $400 a week and he would be away for about 18 months. He will always have a problem with this. Though he has gone from doing the Dr Jekkyl trick once or twice a month to once or twice a year. If he hadn't made some sort of effort, I would have left by now. The other thing that helps me get through it all is we have a beautiful boy together who has autism. Parental break ups are hard on all kids but a child with Autism is going to feel it in a completely different way.

Now I would like to stress here that I haven't just stayed with my man because of my boy. I have stayed with my man because in spite of his drinking problem he is fun and funny, sweet and caring and loving and lovable. We live well together and have a happy little life. Everyone has their flaws and I have chosen to deal with his and get on with it.

I think the major difference between my man and your ex, is my man has a physical cue to when he's going to get bad (eg drinking too much, or drinking too quickly.). Your ex might have some emotional cues that he is headed to a dark place but nothing you could count on. I think if you are going to be with someone inherintly 'flawed' (for want of a better word) you need to feel flawed too. The amount of interrogations my man has been subjected to because I can't shut my irrational head up are unfair to him. I am a mental mess and am trying every day to get myself sorted. So we work well because we know neither of us a perfect.

I hope your ex can get better for his own sake.