boundaries in relationships

[mehwhatcanyoudo]

hi people, me and my gf have been going out for 5 years and the last few months have been hard, she has been working lots because she has been saving up for a holiday. so we havnt had as much time for each other as we usually do.

she went on holiday with a family member for 10 days and got back a few days ago. i told her when she left "give me a call or facebook msg,etc l so know your okay when you get there. when she was there she didnt make contact with me at all.

if i went on a holiday i without her i would call her or make sure that she knew i was okay and that i missed her and so on, but no not a word.

she gets back from the holiday and three days later (today)with no notice she decides to go see a guy friend of hers who lives 200km away. i have met him only twice and he seems like a nice guy but its beside the point.

anyway, she has dinner with him and then after dinner i call her and she tells me that she has booked a hotel room with the guy!? im thinking WTF!? i said "why did you do that? you said the drive up wasnt that bad so clearly why didnt you drive back?" she said "well we are going to have a few drinks and i dont feel like driving home, its dark and whatever."

i get off the phone to her and i think to myself hang on this isnt right. i trust her heaps and i trust him too i know they wouldnt hook up but i think in a relationship there should be some kind of boundaries i feel like she is treating me like crap.

i call her back and we get into an argument about it and she ends up turning off her phone.

i wait a few minutes and call the guy, he answers and i explain to him that im upset and that he should put himself in my shoes and he understood where i was comming from i explained that im not upset with him but just angry the position she has put both of us in. then i speak to my gf and she CANT grasp my concept of thinking at all she thinks im over reacting and she has done nothing wrong?

i really think that driving half way across a state to go see a guy and then to stay in a hotel room and drink is really pushing the boundaries of a relationship. so now im sitting at home ripping my hair out and feeling like i have maybe been over reacting but i just cant help it.

i know that if i went half way across the state to have dinner and to stay at a hotel and get drunk with another girl that she would be upset too, but aparently she would be perfectly okay with it!? WTF?

i said ask any guy in the world and they would probly be acting just like me.

anyway im confused and i dont know what to do. im not going to call her again tonight and i probly wont call her again in the next few days so maybe she understands that im upset by it.

[Boisdevie]

Sounds to me like she no longer cares for you or your feelings. I'd stop calling her for good.

[Saya]

If I was you I would be pretty upset and angry as well.... I mean, even though she may not cheat on you, but that is still not a right thing to do. I don't know why she doesn't understand that she is hurting you...
There's not much you can do about it right now so just wait until she get back and talk to her about this in person.

[qwerty123456]

As a guy, I agree with everything Saya has said.

Is this an isolated incident? Or does this type of behaviour occur on a regular basis. Would she usually put herself first and not care about you? Has she always proiritised meeting up with friends and doing her own thing over you?

I dont want to presume man but if she's been consistently acting like this recently, she could be preparing to break up with you. But I could be wrong, you just gotta sit down and talk to her about how you're feeling.

[mehwhatcanyoudo]

we used to live together but then we had to move out and she started living at my friends house, its was really hard when she was staying there because i could never get any time alone with just her, there were always people around. i was really unhappy with the situation and made it quite clear that she should have at least asked me what i thought of her living with MY friends.it put alot of stress on me. Eventually she moved back home where she is now and is living with her dad.

she was upset with me because i couldnt handle her living there and even since she has been back home she has been kind of nasty. but seriously it was a joke she was living on my friends living room floor!! there was no privacy what so ever and you could never get any sleep. it was F*%KED!!

she moved back home about 4 months ago and since then she has been 1000% motivated to working so she could go away on this holiday. i have been on the back burner for awhile. and no she hasnt always prioritised things over me, she loves seeing me and i love seeing her. i just dont understand why she can think nothing of the "driving to the middle of nowhere to meet up with a guy and stay in a hotel and drink with him"

iit is now almost 2am and she has turned off her phone and i cant sleep,i really am im in hell right now and there isnt a thing i can do about it. its like torture.

alls i know is im not happy and when i see her next i have a lot to say to her i am completely pissed off,i shouldnt have to be treated like this. no one should especially when someone is supposed to care for you

*reaches for another glass of straight bourbon* anyone want a drink?

[Wakeup]

She totally disrespected you and your relationship and showed zero concern for your feelings. She doesn't value you or the relationship and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if they aren't having an affair either physically or emotionally.

Any woman who actually cared if her actions upset you would never, never do what she's done. Women who care or are at least concerned that what they do could cause them to no longer have a relationship wouldn't chance doing what she's done.

*snipped*

This i'm sorry to say is the begininning of the end of things. She's totaly changed the dynamic of your emotional connection now. Whether you'll ever get it back is possible but odds are it's doubtful.

Sorry she did this to you and the relationship you shared. My advice: Don't stay with her for her to doormat you anymore. The only men that would be okay with what she did is the guys who share the hotel bed with her. If you want to make it work your best chance at that would be you drawing up a list of realtionship boundaries that neither of you will ever cross.

She doesn't even know what a relationship boundary is by the sounds of things and that just means she has an excuse for her bad behaviour.

Don't stay with her if she won't sit down with you and help you comprise your list.. it means she really doesn't value what she has with you if she doesn't.

[mehwhatcanyoudo]

thank you for your advice people im in a really bad position right now i cant sleep and i cant stop thinking about everything. your comments are helping me see the bigger picture and im really thankful that strangers out there on the internet who i have never met before will actually give me a decent opinion in something so serious.

its hard to break up with someone after such a long time. its a lot easier said then done.

i might try and get one last root from her then straight after tell her where to go, heh. that would make me feel better. (sorry to sound like such a male pig)

so confused right now

[qwerty123456]

she moved back home about 4 months ago and since then she has been 1000% motivated to working so she could go away on this holiday. i have been on the back burner for awhile. and no she hasnt always prioritised things over me, she loves seeing me and i love seeing her. i just dont understand why she can think nothing of the "driving to the middle of nowhere to meet up with a guy and stay in a hotel and drink with him"

iit is now almost 2am and she has turned off her phone and i cant sleep,i really am im in hell right now and there isnt a thing i can do about it. its like torture.

alls i know is im not happy and when i see her next i have a lot to say to her i am completely pissed off,i shouldnt have to be treated like this. no one should especially when someone is supposed to care for you

Man, that doesn't sound good. She shouldn't be putting you through this.

I know its tough and you're gonna get no sleep tonight but try to stay strong man.

Keep yourself really busy until the next time you know you are gonna see/talk to her otherwise you're going to lose your mind.

[Nicholas_V]

its hard to break up with someone after such a long time. its a lot easier said then done.

Tell us about it... But this is irrelevant. If *she* doesn't value your relationship, then she will be breaking up with you. Wait to have a conversation when she is back, but really you shouldn't allow anyone to treat you like this - ESPECIALLY after 5 years!

So, have a serious conversation when she is back (in case you have misread something) and decide accordingly. But don't waste too much of your time fooling yourself.

[mehwhatcanyoudo]

......still awake almost 4am, slightly drunk, **** it hurts =(

[Nicholas_V]

Damn straight it does - read LF, keep your mind busy with something else. And stop drinking - won't make you feel any better.

[deepika_16]

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[mehwhatcanyoudo]

i cant call her, her phone is off and she is at a ****ing hotel with some guy i have been trying to call her and she hasnt been answering.

i know drinking doesnt make things better but at the moment being sober is alot worse. just sit there doing nothing. i cant even watch tv because my mind if full of crap. at least with a few drinks im slightly distracted.

dwfdwfwefwefwefhjwbgfiuwefbwkelfjnwfkjwehf!!!

[Wakeup]

Why don't you go out with a friend and do something healthy like work out or jog or sit out in the fresh air and just shoot the shit. Drinking will numb you for now, but when you wake up hung over and in emotional pain you feel even worse than you are now.

There is nothing you can do to control her or the situation right now so stop trying to do something and stop trying to run away with booze.

You are wasting energy on her. She on the other hand is not.

If you meditate, I suggest you do that first and then when your mind is clear and you're less angst filled, do somthing productive. Even if it's just cleaning up your room top to bottom. I beiieve you said you live with your parents. Try talking to them.. they will settle you.

[IndiReloaded]

Dump her. Stop trying to call her. Make HER call YOU. Right now you are her bitch, you need to flip this asap. It probably won't change the fact she is cheating on you (and she is , emotionally if not physically--yet) but it will make you feel better to take your balls back.

And in case you haven't admitted it to yourself yet, yes, this is much more than 'friends', even if they aren't admitting it. You already know this or you wouldn't be upset. This isn't about you trusting her, its about her breaking your trust.

Sorry this has happened to you. Good luck finding a better GF.