In love with two men

[dazed_confused]

Dear all,

I am sorry, this is a very long post and it is my first post but I am in desperate need of some advice. I dont know how to make this shorter because it is so complicated.

I have tried everything to resolve the situation I am in but I do not know what to do and things seem to be just getting worse. I dont really want to lose either of them completely.

I will give some background on the people involved. Names have been changed.

Me: I am 21, a student full time. I have in the past suffered from serious depression from which I am now recovered.
Boyfriend (William): He is 24, works full time in another city.
Other guy (Peter): He is 32 and lives in another country but is willing to relocate to be with me. He has been seperated from his wife for several years.

I met my boyfriend whilst on holiday and we have been together for around 3 years. We do not live together. We see each other at weekends and holidays.

Things went great for the first 1.5 years and then I suffered depression. My boyfriend did not know how to help so I met someone else (Christian) who was suffering like I was and we bonded. I felt he understood me. I ended up sleeping with Christian several times.

I realied my mistake and told my boyfriend who was upset of course. But I think I did it because I was depressed and needed support. After this, William said that he would forgive me and he came with me to see my therapist for depression. He tried to support me. I noticed though that something in our relationship changed but I did not know what. William seemed to get angry at me more, which sometimes scared me a bit. He changed towards me.

After a while things were going OK. We had fun weekends and holidays together and things were fine.

I was not looking to cheat on my boyfriend again at all, but in September last year, I met Peter online and we started to chat as friends on voice and later on voice and video. I felt he understood me so we became closer. I find it hard to trust people normally because of things that happened when I was young. We talked for a long time, I liked the sound of his voice and he made me calm and relaxed. We started to flirt and things got more and more intimate. I then said to him that I loved him and I think he was surprised but said he loved me too. This was after maybe 1 month of spending a lot of time together. I was still seeing my boyfriend at weekends though.

After we talked for a while more, Peter asked to meet me in real life. I was scared so I asked my best friend for advice. I had no doubts that Peter was a good man, so I was not scared of him, just scared to meet someone new. My best friend told me to take the chance, so I did.

The weekend before I met Peter, I was at my boyfriends house. He sensed I was nervous and I cannot lie to him so I told him what it was. He was upset but I insisted I meet Peter anyway because he was already flying over. My boyfriend was there, at my house, waiting for me when I got home on the day I met Peter. He knew what had been happening.

I met Peter and it was wonderful, we bonded very closely together. We had a great time and I felt in love with him. We made love together, not right away, but after we had seen each other a while. When he left I was really amazed that I felt so strongly for him.

Then Christmas came and I had to spend the whole time with my boyfriend. Of course, Peter had only recently gone back home. So this made Christmas difficult and I argued with my boyfriend.

I decided that I wanted to be with my boyfriend and I told Peter on new years day that I could not see him again. He was heart broken.

The next month or so was horrible. Peter was fighting for me, saying that I had used him, lied to him all along. I told him I did not, but it took a lot to make him believe it.

Finally, in March, Peter and I admitted to each other that we needed to be in each others lives. So we started to work things out. When things got better, Peter asked to meet me again, to prove that the feelings we had were real and that depending how things go, we could try for a relationship eventually.

Peter always said that he was not trying to break me up from my boyfriend. That if I decided I wanted him, I should go single for a while first to make sure that the decision was right.

We met again. This time it went even better. I felt safe and loved around Peter, he made me feel wonderful. I felt very strongly for him all the time he was here. We made love alot, talked, shopped, just like a normal couple.

Then he left again but asked me if I wanted him to come back and I said yes.

The following Monday, Peter came to me and said that it was time to choose. Because cheating like this was not a good start to a relationship. He said that he wanted me to go single and after a while, to date me. I thought about it for a whole week and decided that I could not leave my boyfriend. I loved both of them, but I could not leave my boyfriend because I love him more.

Peter was upset. He said that again he felt lied to and cheated. He had always asked me if he had a chance and I had always said yes, but he felt like I had not given him a chance to see him without my boyfriend always being in the background.

Then Peter started to question why I had gone to him. That there was something wrong with my relationship with my boyfriend if I wanted to cheat with other people. That my boyfriend was not giving me what I need so thats why I went to someone else. Also that my boyfriend could not trust me since I cheated the first time since Christian and definitely not now I cheated again.

I told him that was not true and that I just loved my boyfriend more. Peter persisted and I began to feel really guilty towards my boyfriend.

Peter has always said that he wants to give me honest advice. That because I was cheating and said I loved him, there was clearly something wrong with my relationship with my boyfriend so I should go single for a while to think about it. I told him I cannot do that because my boyfriend would not accept it and I did not want to lose my boyfriend.

I do trust Peter and so I went to my boyfriend and said we had a problem. My boyfriend said that he would try to work on the relationship and that everything would be OK. That he forgave me again for cheating.

Peter would not accept this. Saying that it is impossible for a man to forgive cheating completely and that if I stay with my boyfriend he would in the future use the fact that I cheated against me, maybe in an argument, to hurt me and to keep control of things.

My boyfriend insisted that he reads all the emails that Peter sends to me. He has been making comments about them, saying that Peter is wrong etc etc.

I told my boyfriend that I did not want to lose contact with Peter completely. He had no choice but to agree but things are now getting worse.

I told Peter that my boyfriend had said I was depressed, like the time I went with Christian.

Peter says that my boyfriend is trying to control me by saying that if I ever want someone else, it must be because I am depressed. He says that my boyfriend is trying to stop me leaving him by any means necessary.

My parents also think I am depressed but I am not sure if my boyfriend has said anything to them. Peter says I am not depressed and that I am just confused, that when I try to think for myself, my boyfriend interrupts and starts saying things to convince me to stay with him.

Then, a few days ago, my boyfriend asked me to marry him. He said he wanted to work things out and prove his commitment to me. I said no because I do not want such a change in my life.

Peter said that asking to be engaged is a way for my boyfriend to control me more. That William is angry I cheated and that he is trying to stop me seeing anyone else. Peter also said that for my boyfriend to ask to marry me if he thinks I am depressed, that the timing is so bad, because I am at my weakest, it can only be for control. He said that my boyfriend does not care about me, that he only wants to make sure he does not lose me, for his pride.

Peter also said that my boyfriend should not ask such a serious question if he really thinks I am depressed and if he does not really believe I am depressed at all, then he should let me make my own decision and give me some time to think.

Peter said that without complete trust there can be no love. But I feel like I love my boyfriend and I do not understand why I cheat. Peter knows that I planned to move into a house with my boyfriend eventually and he said that the problems I have with my boyfriend now, will only get worse if I do.

Peter has said to me is that he is very concerned about my well being in my relationship with my boyfriend. He says my boyfriend is controlling because of him reading my emails and the timing of his comments about depression and marriage.

Peter says that he is not asking me to break up with my boyfriend for him. Just to be single and he will support me. He has said that he only cares about me and does not want me being trapped in a relationship where I have no control over anything and my boyfriend can persuade me to do things he wants.

Peter has said that if I leave my boyfriend he will not persue me at all unless I want him to, he only wants whats best for me.

I love Peter but my boyfriend more, but I want to stay with my boyfriend because I do not think there is a serious problem and I think we can work things out if I dont cheat again.

Peter has said that he is only asking for some time to get to know me. That if we do that for a month or so, he will move to my country for that time just to be close. He also said that if after that time, I did not choose him, that he would let me go. I want to do this for Peter, but I cant, I cant leave my boyfriend. I just do not feel that my relationship with my boyfriend is over but Peter says it was over the minute I cheated on my boyfriend and especially since I cheated more than once and that I love someone else. Is it fair for Peter to ask this? Is he right, is my relationship over?

I know there have been some problems recently and my boyfriend has got angry and scared me a bit too, this has only been the last few weeks. I have thought about leaving him a few times, but I dont know why I cant. I change from wanting to, to not wanting to but I dont know why.

I just do not see the problems as big as Peter is making them out. Peter says I am scared to admit the truth to myself.

What should I do, I dont know why I cheat on my boyfriend when I really feel that I love him. How can I also be in love with Peter and who is right about all this?

Should I go with my boyfriend, give Peter a chance, or neither?

Peter says there is a very serious problem with my relationship with my boyfriend but I dont think there is. Because I wont listen to him and accept what he is saying, he said he cannot help me anymore and thinks he is wasting his time because all he wants to do is help me and doesnt care about being with me.

I'm so sorry this is long, but can anyone help, this is tearing me apart.

Please help me, I don't know what is right.

Anne

[strawberrycream]

Leave poor William alone. You don't deserve him, you don't love him. Also, "If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one you wouldn't have fallen for the second."~ Johnny Depp.

[steviej]

I feel sorry for both guys in this. You've been massively unfair to both of them. You should be single so they can both find decent girls who won't f*ck their heads up like you've been doing.

[VincenzoG91]

You think you love two people, but you actually just love one: yourself. You have behaved selfishly throughout this situation, repeatedly putting your own desires ahead of everybody else, and causing pain for several people. You should stop seeing both of these guys and spend some time on your own, relearning how to behave like a decent person.

[smackie9]

It doesn't matter what you do because even if you settle for Peter, some other guy will catch your attention and you will cheat on him too. You need to see a therapist. This cycle of what should I do now or who should I choose will not stop. You are not making good choices in your life because there is something wrong with your brain. You might be suffering from more than just depression. You have narcissistic behaviour with maybe a touch of Autism. Please see a therapist.

[Wakeup]

You know whats the good thing about finding yourself with some chick who is depressed.. The sex will be really good because that's the only time they actually feel anything so they try to excell at it.

Guys and gals, if you find yourself with someone who has not come to terms with thier childhood and add depression to that mix get yourself away from them as quick as you can so that you don't become addicted to the sex they give.

OP: Get thee self back to your therapist and leave these two men alone. You need to do lots of work on yourself. The very least you should do in the interim is tell your lovers on the side that you're just going out with them for sex because you're co-dependent on your main boyfriend and you're too confused to leave him. Do you think you can stop thinking only of yourself long enough to be honest to the ones you're spreading your legs for on the side? I'm not concerned with your main bf... he's a clinical co-dependent who will put up with anythng as long as you don't leave him.

Add Borderline Personality Disorder to the syndromes being tossed around thus far.

[jb1111983]

Have a threesome with Mike and Peter. That should solve your problem if they're both happy to share you since you love them both.

[ConniptionFit]

Dear all,

I am sorry, this is a very long post and it is my first post but I am in desperate need of some advice. I dont know how to make this shorter because it is so complicated.

I have tried everything to resolve the situation I am in but I do not know what to do and things seem to be just getting worse. I dont really want to lose either of them completely.

I will give some background on the people involved. Names have been changed.

Me: I am 21, a student full time. I have in the past suffered from serious depression from which I am now recovered.
Boyfriend (William): He is 24, works full time in another city.
Other guy (Peter): He is 32 and lives in another country but is willing to relocate to be with me. He has been seperated from his wife for several years.

I met my boyfriend whilst on holiday and we have been together for around 3 years. We do not live together. We see each other at weekends and holidays.

Things went great for the first 1.5 years and then I suffered depression. My boyfriend did not know how to help so I met someone else (Christian) who was suffering like I was and we bonded. I felt he understood me. I ended up sleeping with Christian several times.

I realied my mistake and told my boyfriend who was upset of course. But I think I did it because I was depressed and needed support. After this, William said that he would forgive me and he came with me to see my therapist for depression. He tried to support me. I noticed though that something in our relationship changed but I did not know what. William seemed to get angry at me more, which sometimes scared me a bit. He changed towards me.

After a while things were going OK. We had fun weekends and holidays together and things were fine.

I was not looking to cheat on my boyfriend again at all, but in September last year, I met Peter online and we started to chat as friends on voice and later on voice and video. I felt he understood me so we became closer. I find it hard to trust people normally because of things that happened when I was young. We talked for a long time, I liked the sound of his voice and he made me calm and relaxed. We started to flirt and things got more and more intimate. I then said to him that I loved him and I think he was surprised but said he loved me too. This was after maybe 1 month of spending a lot of time together. I was still seeing my boyfriend at weekends though.

After we talked for a while more, Peter asked to meet me in real life. I was scared so I asked my best friend for advice. I had no doubts that Peter was a good man, so I was not scared of him, just scared to meet someone new. My best friend told me to take the chance, so I did.

The weekend before I met Peter, I was at my boyfriends house. He sensed I was nervous and I cannot lie to him so I told him what it was. He was upset but I insisted I meet Peter anyway because he was already flying over. My boyfriend was there, at my house, waiting for me when I got home on the day I met Peter. He knew what had been happening.

I met Peter and it was wonderful, we bonded very closely together. We had a great time and I felt in love with him. We made love together, not right away, but after we had seen each other a while. When he left I was really amazed that I felt so strongly for him.

Then Christmas came and I had to spend the whole time with my boyfriend. Of course, Peter had only recently gone back home. So this made Christmas difficult and I argued with my boyfriend.

I decided that I wanted to be with my boyfriend and I told Peter on new years day that I could not see him again. He was heart broken.

The next month or so was horrible. Peter was fighting for me, saying that I had used him, lied to him all along. I told him I did not, but it took a lot to make him believe it.

Finally, in March, Peter and I admitted to each other that we needed to be in each others lives. So we started to work things out. When things got better, Peter asked to meet me again, to prove that the feelings we had were real and that depending how things go, we could try for a relationship eventually.

Peter always said that he was not trying to break me up from my boyfriend. That if I decided I wanted him, I should go single for a while first to make sure that the decision was right.

We met again. This time it went even better. I felt safe and loved around Peter, he made me feel wonderful. I felt very strongly for him all the time he was here. We made love alot, talked, shopped, just like a normal couple.

Then he left again but asked me if I wanted him to come back and I said yes.

The following Monday, Peter came to me and said that it was time to choose. Because cheating like this was not a good start to a relationship. He said that he wanted me to go single and after a while, to date me. I thought about it for a whole week and decided that I could not leave my boyfriend. I loved both of them, but I could not leave my boyfriend because I love him more.

Peter was upset. He said that again he felt lied to and cheated. He had always asked me if he had a chance and I had always said yes, but he felt like I had not given him a chance to see him without my boyfriend always being in the background.

Then Peter started to question why I had gone to him. That there was something wrong with my relationship with my boyfriend if I wanted to cheat with other people. That my boyfriend was not giving me what I need so thats why I went to someone else. Also that my boyfriend could not trust me since I cheated the first time since Christian and definitely not now I cheated again.

I told him that was not true and that I just loved my boyfriend more. Peter persisted and I began to feel really guilty towards my boyfriend.

Peter has always said that he wants to give me honest advice. That because I was cheating and said I loved him, there was clearly something wrong with my relationship with my boyfriend so I should go single for a while to think about it. I told him I cannot do that because my boyfriend would not accept it and I did not want to lose my boyfriend.

I do trust Peter and so I went to my boyfriend and said we had a problem. My boyfriend said that he would try to work on the relationship and that everything would be OK. That he forgave me again for cheating.

Peter would not accept this. Saying that it is impossible for a man to forgive cheating completely and that if I stay with my boyfriend he would in the future use the fact that I cheated against me, maybe in an argument, to hurt me and to keep control of things.

My boyfriend insisted that he reads all the emails that Peter sends to me. He has been making comments about them, saying that Peter is wrong etc etc.

I told my boyfriend that I did not want to lose contact with Peter completely. He had no choice but to agree but things are now getting worse.

I told Peter that my boyfriend had said I was depressed, like the time I went with Christian.

Peter says that my boyfriend is trying to control me by saying that if I ever want someone else, it must be because I am depressed. He says that my boyfriend is trying to stop me leaving him by any means necessary.

My parents also think I am depressed but I am not sure if my boyfriend has said anything to them. Peter says I am not depressed and that I am just confused, that when I try to think for myself, my boyfriend interrupts and starts saying things to convince me to stay with him.

Then, a few days ago, my boyfriend asked me to marry him. He said he wanted to work things out and prove his commitment to me. I said no because I do not want such a change in my life.

Peter said that asking to be engaged is a way for my boyfriend to control me more. That William is angry I cheated and that he is trying to stop me seeing anyone else. Peter also said that for my boyfriend to ask to marry me if he thinks I am depressed, that the timing is so bad, because I am at my weakest, it can only be for control. He said that my boyfriend does not care about me, that he only wants to make sure he does not lose me, for his pride.

Peter also said that my boyfriend should not ask such a serious question if he really thinks I am depressed and if he does not really believe I am depressed at all, then he should let me make my own decision and give me some time to think.

Peter said that without complete trust there can be no love. But I feel like I love my boyfriend and I do not understand why I cheat. Peter knows that I planned to move into a house with my boyfriend eventually and he said that the problems I have with my boyfriend now, will only get worse if I do.

Peter has said to me is that he is very concerned about my well being in my relationship with my boyfriend. He says my boyfriend is controlling because of him reading my emails and the timing of his comments about depression and marriage.

Peter says that he is not asking me to break up with my boyfriend for him. Just to be single and he will support me. He has said that he only cares about me and does not want me being trapped in a relationship where I have no control over anything and my boyfriend can persuade me to do things he wants.

Peter has said that if I leave my boyfriend he will not persue me at all unless I want him to, he only wants whats best for me.

I love Peter but my boyfriend more, but I want to stay with my boyfriend because I do not think there is a serious problem and I think we can work things out if I dont cheat again.

Peter has said that he is only asking for some time to get to know me. That if we do that for a month or so, he will move to my country for that time just to be close. He also said that if after that time, I did not choose him, that he would let me go. I want to do this for Peter, but I cant, I cant leave my boyfriend. I just do not feel that my relationship with my boyfriend is over but Peter says it was over the minute I cheated on my boyfriend and especially since I cheated more than once and that I love someone else. Is it fair for Peter to ask this? Is he right, is my relationship over?

I know there have been some problems recently and my boyfriend has got angry and scared me a bit too, this has only been the last few weeks. I have thought about leaving him a few times, but I dont know why I cant. I change from wanting to, to not wanting to but I dont know why.

I just do not see the problems as big as Peter is making them out. Peter says I am scared to admit the truth to myself.

What should I do, I dont know why I cheat on my boyfriend when I really feel that I love him. How can I also be in love with Peter and who is right about all this?

Should I go with my boyfriend, give Peter a chance, or neither?

Peter says there is a very serious problem with my relationship with my boyfriend but I dont think there is. Because I wont listen to him and accept what he is saying, he said he cannot help me anymore and thinks he is wasting his time because all he wants to do is help me and doesnt care about being with me.

I'm so sorry this is long, but can anyone help, this is tearing me apart.

Please help me, I don't know what is right.

Anne

Break things off with both of them. Then continue with therapy for a few years to work through all your issues. Do not get into another relationship until you have done this and become healthier and are able to pick healthier guys.