Split with my alcoholic BF, and yet I love and miss him so much :o(

[BlueSkyNY]

Hello everyone, I'm in my late 20's and my (now ex) boyfriend is in his early 30's. We were in a relationship for 3 years. I am writing here to try to understand why he behaved the way he did with respect to me. Hope anyone can help me shed some light at my situation. And let me just say, that even though he was the one to mistreat me (and make me leave him), I still love him very much and miss him terribly. We've been apart for a month now, without any contact from the moment we split. I know he wasn't good for me, yet I cannot let go - and it breaks my heart we can't be together anymore :o(

Well, my ex-boyfriend had an alcohol addiction problem. And even though he knew it very well - as well as his family and all of his friends knew it very well - he could NEVER EVER even ADMIT that he had any problem with alcohol. He was (and is) in a terrible denial. In the beginning of our relationship, when we still used to go out and party a lot while still getting to know each other, I just thought that he was drinking as part of having fun. It didn't occur to me that he could be addicted because, in fact, he is a very intelligent, smart, and successful (work-wise and financially) man. It didn't occur to me that a guy of such social standing would allow himself to become addicted to alcohol. However, the more time we spent together, and as time went on, I slowly started to realize that his initial drinking wasn't just something associated with our fun times. It started to dawn on me that he was actually in a continuous alcohol struggle. With time, all the little bits and pieces of his alcoholic past slipped through the information from his friends and family members. After about a year of being with him, I knew with certainty that I was in a relationship with an alcoholic.

Despite all of this, I loved him so much, that I wanted to stay with him and try my best to help him quit the habit. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but in my heart, I truly wanted to help him - because underneath the screen of alcohol addiction, he was a wonderful man. Alcohol addiction set aside, we were very happy together and he really possessed all the qualities I ever wanted in a man. In fact, I thought he was THE ONE for me. So I didn't leave him, but stayed with him for 2 more years trying to help.

However, to make things more complicated, a second year into our relationship, I started seeing my boyfriend continuously drink alcohol with his own sister. She started to come to his apartment nearly every day, and they'd be drinking together all evenings. I could not understand this behavior. It turned out his sister was also an alcoholic! Although I never saw his parents drink, I suspected that alcohol addiction problem run in his family. I suspected his father drank in the past also. So here it is: I was in a relationship with a man that came from an alcoholic family.

Into our third year, I started losing my patience and all of my hope that he'd ever stop drinking. I did my best trying to make him realize that what he's doing is not good for him, and trying to make him stop. I did it out of love for him - and I made sure he knew I loved him very much throughout all this time. But the more I begged him and the more things I did to help him stop, he became more and more stubborn and started denying more and more that he ever had any problem with alcohol. In the end, I couldn't even start a normal conversation with him about his alcohol addiction. He was getting offended just for mentioning this subject alone. He was convinced that he and his sister were not alcoholics. When I tried to make him understand that while he himself is drinking so much - drinking with his own sister is dragging him down even more. I told him I wanted him to stop drinking with his sister. He turned it against me, and told me I hated his sister, and that I was selfish and intolerant. It's like he didn't even UNDERSTAND what I was trying to tell him. In the end, anything I said was automatically turned against me. Everything that went wrong, was ALWAYS my fault, but never his - even though it was I who tried so hard to help him and make him realize how he was destroying his health and his life by drinking alcohol.

So, seeing that no matter what I did, he would not admit his own problem and stop drinking, I packed all of my belongings and left his apartment. This was a month ago. He never called me even once. Looks like he still thinks he was right and I was wrong all along. Makes me wonder if he ever loved me, even though (excluding the alcohol problem) he was a very good man to me. Alcohol has ruined it all.

I wonder WHY did he behave the way he did towards me in the end? Why wouldn't he ever even acknowledge that he had a problem? Why didn't he see anything wrong with getting drunk with his own sister? Why was he willing to lose me for alcohol? Why do people behave this way? I love him so much that if he told me today that he understands that he has a problem, and that we wants to TRY to work on it, I'd take him back with my open arms. That's how much I love and miss him. There is not one day, not one minute in a day, that I don't think about him and miss him. I never loved anyone as much as I love him. I'm so sad.

What do I do? :o(

[Toddstar]

Being from an alcoholic family and drinking too much myself was one of the causes of the breakup in my relationship. I was simply choosing alcohol over her a lot of the time. Alcoholics seem to derive more pleasure from drinking than they do from living a clean lifestyle and they associate NOT drinking with pain, no matter how wonderful of a spouse they have. And they spiral downwards and push people away. He just does not want to stop drinking or he would admit he has a problem. I am sorry to say this but until he admits he has a problem he will continue going down the path he is on, self destructive as it is. There is nothing you can do; by you trying to come between him and booze he will continue to push you away. Its a lesson he will have to learn and a choice he will have to make. Alcohol addiction is a tough habit to break. Trust me. I know. I hope you realize you did nothing wrong here.

[98db]

Your post reminded me of my Ex who had a gambling addiction. Toddstar is right that there really is nothing you can do to beat someone else's addiction. I tried, and it just frustrated me and infuriated her.

I hate to admit that I miss her and I think I might still love her, but I am better off without her as you probably are without him.

[flynhayn]

Straight up.... you're being a woman. I don't mean that in a bad way. Women have that natural sense of nurturing and compassion that they give to someone they care about, including the ones that don't quite deserve it. It's usually the reason why girls have such a hard time leaving a guy that keeps screwing them over.... they focus too much on the "good" traits they saw in their partner and choose to let that over-rule the many bad traits. And, they feel obligated towards taking care of that person and helping them through their issues. I all I can say is you eventually have to listen to logic (which the break-up is the start down the right path) and realize that there is nothing you can do for him, and there is nothing you can do to make things better except to concentrate on yourself.

One quote I live by: "Don't try to change someone. Be the reason for them to change." You're something good in his life that he took for granted and now he's going to have to live with that. Leaving him with his issues will be good for you and for him.... you'll be able to improve your life by taking advantage of the opportunities you now have. He will see that his problems are what drove you away, and eventually should spark something in him to motivate a change.

And stop wondering why he did those things. No one has the answer to that. Just know that it had nothing to do with you and there is nothing you can do about that.

[BlueSkyNY]

Thank you all for your replies. Yes, I know that it wasn't my fault the way this relationship ended. It's just that I've put so much time, so much energy, and gave so much of myself to him, to help him quit and become a better person, etc ... I did it so that he could appreciate it and know how much I loved him. And yet, in the end, NOT EVEN A "THANK YOU" for what you did for me. That's what hurt me deeply, more than you can ever imagine. It's like I've wasted 3 years of my life ... for nothing. I thought I found the one ... and now I'm alone with all of my effort gone to nothing. What was the purpose of me ever meeting him in my life? I am almost 30 years old now, and with 3 years of my life wasted (and still madly in love with my ex), I am terrified I will never fall in love again. I want to start a family and have my own children, and now it will be too late for me, by the time I'll fall in love again (if ever). I am very picky and fall in love VERY RARELY. I will not just start a relationship with any guy. I must be sure I've found the right guy to start a relationship, and that he's worth it. And - of course - I need to be romantically attracted to him, otherwise forget about any relationship. My ex was all of that (with the exception of alcohol problem). And although I've had 2 boyfriends before my last ex, I never really knew what true love is until I met my last ex. He sparked such passion in me, and I've never felt this way before with anyone. I felt like we were soulmates for life, and that's why I wanted to help him so much. Anyway ... I've come across such a man and such a feeling only once in my life, and I'm already 28 years old. How long will it take to find another man right for me? Another 5, 10, 15 years? I cannot imagine being single this long and not loving anyone for this long :o( Life seems pretty much hopeless at this point :o(

[ConniptionFit]

Thank you all for your replies. Yes, I know that it wasn't my fault the way this relationship ended. It's just that I've put so much time, so much energy, and gave so much of myself to him, to help him quit and become a better person, etc ... I did it so that he could appreciate it and know how much I loved him. And yet, in the end, NOT EVEN A "THANK YOU" for what you did for me. That's what hurt me deeply, more than you can ever imagine. It's like I've wasted 3 years of my life ... for nothing. I thought I found the one ... and now I'm alone with all of my effort gone to nothing. What was the purpose of me ever meeting him in my life? I am almost 30 years old now, and with 3 years of my life wasted (and still madly in love with my ex), I am terrified I will never fall in love again. I want to start a family and have my own children, and now it will be too late for me, by the time I'll fall in love again (if ever). I am very picky and fall in love VERY RARELY. I will not just start a relationship with any guy. I must be sure I've found the right guy to start a relationship, and that he's worth it. And - of course - I need to be romantically attracted to him, otherwise forget about any relationship. My ex was all of that (with the exception of alcohol problem). And although I've had 2 boyfriends before my last ex, I never really knew what true love is until I met my last ex. He sparked such passion in me, and I've never felt this way before with anyone. I felt like we were soulmates for life, and that's why I wanted to help him so much. Anyway ... I've come across such a man and such a feeling only once in my life, and I'm already 28 years old. How long will it take to find another man right for me? Another 5, 10, 15 years? I cannot imagine being single this long and not loving anyone for this long :o( Life seems pretty much hopeless at this point :o(

You should go to Alanon. You have as much a problem with co-dependency as he does with alcoholism.

[Wakeup]

Conniption is absolutely right. You really should go to Ala-non. Google it there will be a chapter near you that will help you with you being able to let go and quit trying to control the piss poor actions of others. It will also help you not to fall back to him because you can't get over the pain and it will aid you in learning about red flag behaviour and not sticking around for two more years when the problem was quite evident at year one.

Yes, you loved him but the good thing is you loved yourself more and you were able to leave a man who is on a spiral downward. You will recooperate from this, just keep the steady course, check out Ala-non and do not go back to this man unless he gets rehab and then follows that up with regular AA meetings.

Good for you for having self worth, you're not that codependent or you'd still be there arguing with him to stop while he didn't. Your conviction will serve you well.

[BlueSkyNY]

You should go to Alanon. You have as much a problem with co-dependency as he does with alcoholism.

Co-dependancy problem? I'm willing to hear about it more. If I am understanding this term correctly, it means I've become dependent on my ex-boyfriend, to the point I cannot live without him? Is that what you mean? If that's what you mean, no, it's not what it is. The issue is that I love this man very much - but I am able to function without him. We didn't live together. He has his own apartment as I do have my own. I work and fully support myself. I am not dependent on anyone else other than myself. I was talking about LOVE here. I truly and wholeheartedly loved a man that couldn't - and wouldn't - let me help him get better. It's not my fault I fell in love with him. Now, I've never experienced anything like this (as far as feelings go) with anyone before. It hurts terribly to lose it. Because I know it was very rare and hard to find, I am very afraid that I'll never find it again, or that it will take me so long to find it - that by the time I find it, I'll be too old to start my own family and have children. In case you're wondering, I've never had any alcoholism or stressful experiences in my own family. I've been raised my a very good family. It was something entirely new for me, and a shock, to experience such alcoholism from my ex-boyfriend's side. I never knew a brother and a sister can drink so much together that it can end a relationship of two people that love each other. How is that co-dependancy?

[MaidenMinx]

The second you started nagging him about his addiction and refused to acknowledge that he has the right to choose what ever lifestyle he likes, the relationship was doomed.

My partner is an alcoholic. I know this and he will occasionally admit this, but he will also admit that at this time he is not prepared to face up to that. His parents were both alcoholics, with his mother dying of alcohol related illness when he was 15. His dad would start drinking at lunch time and finish just before bed. My man drinks more than I would like but less than he used to. He works hard, and as a general rule his drinking isn't affecting him. We have his liver checked every year and for now that's working for us. He has agreed in the past that if his health starts to deteriorate he will go into rehab. We have decided on rehab over AA because his problem is very deep seated and rehab is not religious.

Was your partners health bad? Was he in debt? Was he missing work? Was he abusing you? You knew about his alcoholism and you stayed and nagged. You wanted him to stop spending time with his sister in a way they both enjoyed and you wanted him to give up alcohol completely. When it comes to addiction love has nothing to do with it, UNLESS you meet someone who has already managed to battle their demons and are fighting every day to stay clean.

[Wakeup]

Co-dependancy problem? I'm willing to hear about it more. If I am understanding this term correctly, it means I've become dependent on my ex-boyfriend, to the point I cannot live without him? Is that what you mean? If that's what you mean, no, it's not what it is. The issue is that I love this man very much - but I am able to function without him. We didn't live together. He has his own apartment as I do have my own. I work and fully support myself. I am not dependent on anyone else other than myself. I was talking about LOVE here. I truly and wholeheartedly loved a man that couldn't - and wouldn't - let me help him get better. It's not my fault I fell in love with him. Now, I've never experienced anything like this (as far as feelings go) with anyone before. It hurts terribly to lose it. Because I know it was very rare and hard to find, I am very afraid that I'll never find it again, or that it will take me so long to find it - that by the time I find it, I'll be too old to start my own family and have children. In case you're wondering, I've never had any alcoholism or stressful experiences in my own family. I've been raised my a very good family. It was something entirely new for me, and a shock, to experience such alcoholism from my ex-boyfriend's side. I never knew a brother and a sister can drink so much together that it can end a relationship of two people that love each other. How is that co-dependancy?

No, co-dependency is not about you being dependent on your ex to the point you can't live without him, and contrary to Maidenminx Alcoholics Anonymous is not a religious organization. The closest thing to a religious organization is to look towards your own personal higher power for guidance, support and direction. Your higher power could be the Universe itself.

You are still trying to control outcomes here and that is where the co-dependency comes in. Most people who are no co-dependent would not have stayed past the first attempt to get him to stop drinking. They would have discussed, and if things didn't change, they would break up with a man who finds alcohol more important than a girlfriend. You nagged and cried and tried your best to change a man who did not want to change you did that for two years after you realized he had a problem. You tried to fix him, you're still trying to fix him and you fail to realize that no one can fix him but himself. He's likely not do that until he hits some sort of rock bottom where it's life or death or he's ruined his career or life in general.

Read up on codependency and Al-anon. One of AA and Alanon's very wise poems or prayer if you will is called the Serenity Prayer and it goes like this:

"Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference"

Well you changed the things you could by leaving him to his misery, now you just have to learn to accept that you cannot change him no matter how much you nag him or love him or try to convince him. Stopping to drink is his job... not your's. Accept your relationship is over and get on with your healing. Read to educate yourself and look into al-anon if you think it's support group will help you to do that healing.

[BlueSkyNY]

You wanted him to stop spending time with his sister in a way they both enjoyed and you wanted him to give up alcohol completely.

I wasn't nagging him, I was ASKING him calmly for the majority of time in our relationship to try to drink less, I never told him to stop drinking completely. I told him it's normal to have a drink/beer, even every day after work just to relax. But there is a difference between 1-2 beers after work and 8-10 beers after work 5 days a week PLUS 15-20 beers per day on a weekend (which is 30-40 beers in one weekend alone). And this - ALL YEAR LONG. I made it clear to him that I don't mind when he has a drink or a beer. I just tried to help him drink LESS. I also never told him that I don't want him to see his sister anymore. I only made it clear to him that I understand that he has a sister - I have one also - and that it's OK that he sees her. But I wanted him to see that his own sister should understand that drinking so much isn't good for him (or for her), and it isn't good for his own health. I never tried to make him stop seeing his own sister, and that's a big difference.

P.S. He typically drank 8-10 beers per day after work Mon - Thurs, then about 10-15 beers on Fri, and then 15-20 beers per day Sat - Sun. That makes it about 80-100 beers a week/7 days. I am not making this up. You tell me that it was "normal" and that I was the one to be blamed in the end. Please just look at the amount of alcohol.

[Wakeup]

I just tried to help him drink LESS.

That is not your job. It is his job to quit drinking and quit making excuses for yourself.

It is what it is. He's an alcholic/you can't make him stop being one/the relationship is over/you're better off without him/time to accept that and heal.

[BlueSkyNY]

He's an alcholic/you can't make him stop being one/the relationship is over/you're better off without him/time to accept that and heal.

Yes, I understand this clearly now, after 3 years of wasted time. Trust me, I'm trying really hard to heal as best as I can. It's not easy, but I have no other choice.

Thank you all for your responses.

[MaidenMinx]

Actually that's about what my man will drink.

All I was trying to say was that this is something NO ONE can choose for another person.

Another thing I will say is men hear nagging, women think they are talking and reminding. If you are repeating something and not getting anywhere you are by definition nagging. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different out come. You were insane to think after 2 years of trying you could convince him to change. He has to want to.