Okay, sorry to confuse you all. But I am a24 year old guy, who has given up.
I will try not to make this post too long and boring.
There have been two deaths in the family, the first one suicide, my step mother, and the second, my grandfather, who was the stalwart in the family.
Since these evenst, it seems that there is a curse around me, making everything bad happen. I feel shit about myself, feel resented by people, although I dont willfully do anyone any harm, I dont smoke or drink (although in the past few months I have a few times taken to some very strong drinks to get a bit high)
I am not sure if any of you have read my forum girl post in love advice section, but that drags me down, as it is happening in a world so centre to me, that I grew up in. I feel sometimes it is grandad (laugh if you want) giving me all this crap from beyond the grave. I have had dreams of him walking towards me looking so real, have had weird occurances in my house (I dont belive in ghosts), and yes I have wasted my life from my early teens to this age, due to pondering on things too much. Grandad had a good sense of humour, and laughed at things easily, and the things he seems to be telling me from the other side , see like he is having a laugh with me, but in a serious way. I know I am more than likely imagining it , but when you hear people walking into your bedroom, and there is no one there when you look, it makes you think. When I went to see grandad in the chapel of rest, in the open coffin, I asked him to take me with me. Maybe he brought that girl in my life, on that forum, to finally give me a push to feel rubbish about myself and then exit
I got a £4800 pounds cheque the other day, a back paymet of something, and want to use it to finish me off. maybe go on a trip abroad, USA or whatever, drink myself silly then drown myself somewhere. This is ridiculas, the horror that happens in this world sometimes
I want advice, is this a sgn either from my grandfather, or from my actions (not sure if thats the right way to say it) that I am no longer required in the world? that I am obsolete? that I have run out of steam? As I do not agree with the worlds modern ways, a lot of the internet, troubles me, the modern media, the modern attitude.
Sorry that I havent explained a lot, but I didnt want to write a really long post that no one wants to read.