"You're too good for me, I can't handle it." and similar pathetic crap

[eo_ih]

Sup guys? When I heard (or heard of - no one's ever said it to me ) reasons like the one in the title there, I always thought they were nonsense. Just a vague attempt to make the other person feel better, a type of "It's not you, it's me!" thing.

But I can actually really understand it, perhaps others can too?

I'm new to people so this is an interesting experience - some girl I accidentally impressed while we were working together, she inferred from my behaviour in that situation that I am very confident, strong, and selective of whom I talk to, when in fact I am extremely shy and feel very small and useless around other people. The resulting outward behaviours can easily be confused.

We hung out a few times after that, and - I'm getting better at this - I successfully portrayed an image of the kind of person she assumed and hoped I was. Basically just a normal man with some kind of confidence, you know - and that I'm quite successful with women. She has found it very appealing so far, but after a few weeks and 4 or 5 meetings, I am so very, very tired. It's a great stress and very draining to keep pretending to her that I am on her level, when actually I think she should be way out of my reach. By all the usual measures - social standing/influence, attractiveness, wealth and prospects, intelligence - she is my superior, and if it wasn't that she made a bit of effort at the start I would never have thought to speak to her. I tend to just look at the ground and avoid people like her, lest I offend them with my presence.

So I can't keep pretending forever and it's obviously pointless continuing the friendship. I have no energy left by now so I want to cut ties with her. I'll stop initiating contact, of course, and won't suggest meeting up again - she always waits for me to do so. But sooner or later she'll crack and try to talk to me, and then I want to know what to say to maximise her own wellbeing at the expense of my reputation, shall we say. Or in other words, to make me look like the loser and her the winner - I don't want to upset people really.

I reckon it wouldn't work if I just told her "Sorry, I'm actually an autistic dork and you're the first girl I've spoken to for 12 months, I've deliberately deceived you and now can't handle the pressure of trying to maintain the interest of someone I think is far too good for me."

Who would believe it? Not me, for sure. If she told me that I'd laugh, it's not very credible is it.

Should I start acting really weird and creepy, to scare her off? Or make up some other bland but palatable reason for wanting to stop seeing her? But what? I could say I'm going to be too busy with work and won't have time to see her enough.
Or shall I tell her I'm gay?

I've never had to ditch someone before, how do we do it? I followed her down the rabbit hole and now I'm lost and want to get out, haha.

Thanks!

[Davros]

why don't you just start being yourself and then if she doesnt like it she'll go away. And if she still likes it then you're onto a winner. Either or.
I mean.. if you like her, and you think shes pretty and shes lovely and intellegent then she probably doesnt think you're something you're completely not. Its litterally impossible for someone to hold up a facade that is so utterly different from themselves.
Why would she care if shes the only girl you've spoken to for ages or even ever, i'd be pretty honoured myself.

Yeah, just be yourself, theres no need to cut her off completely, you're friends right? you get on with her? you dont have to get married or anything -- that is of course unless you cant stand her.. in which case do it

[eo_ih]

why don't you just start being yourself and then if she doesnt like it she'll go away.

Yea that's what I have tried before, but it's so different that they think I'm intentionally acting weird to drive them away for some other reason. I would have to ease her into it gradually, but it takes planning and too much energy.

she probably doesnt think you're something you're completely not. Its litterally impossible for someone to hold up a facade that is so utterly different from themselves.

Well, it depends for how long. I've spent like two evenings with her and three other very brief encounters - she doesn't know much about me yet and it's easy to deceive someone for a short period of time.

Why would she care if shes the only girl you've spoken to for ages or even ever, i'd be pretty honoured myself.

Girls hate that, really the number one thing that impresses them is the idea that you get a lot of female attention. I even imply or tell them that I'm seeing other girls, and suddenly they're twice as interested as they were before. The alternative, you see, is that I just take whatever I can get and she was not in fact hand-picked and special.

Yeah, just be yourself, theres no need to cut her off completely, you're friends right? you get on with her?

Sort of. I don't really keep friends, there's only one person I hang out with and that's out of long familiarity and habit. I wouldn't really know what to do with someone, I'm not very sociable.

[MaidenMinx]

If you are actually autistic here's a challenge for you...

Tell her. On your next date say "Before things go any further I would like you to know, I am on the Autistic Spectrum. I have trouble socialising and may become awkward and weird at times. I try very hard to keep up socially acceptable behaviours and am trying very hard not to seem weird to you." Or words to that effect. Suggest she do some research on the subject. That way she is informed and can make the call herself as to whether or not she's willing to give you the patience you need.

And to be honest, these are the type of questions I anticipate being asked by my HF ASD son when he gets older, and this is the answer I would give him if he ever asked me the same question.

[ConniptionFit]

Sup guys? When I heard (or heard of - no one's ever said it to me ) reasons like the one in the title there, I always thought they were nonsense. Just a vague attempt to make the other person feel better, a type of "It's not you, it's me!" thing.

But I can actually really understand it, perhaps others can too?

I'm new to people so this is an interesting experience - some girl I accidentally impressed while we were working together, she inferred from my behaviour in that situation that I am very confident, strong, and selective of whom I talk to, when in fact I am extremely shy and feel very small and useless around other people. The resulting outward behaviours can easily be confused.

We hung out a few times after that, and - I'm getting better at this - I successfully portrayed an image of the kind of person she assumed and hoped I was. Basically just a normal man with some kind of confidence, you know - and that I'm quite successful with women. She has found it very appealing so far, but after a few weeks and 4 or 5 meetings, I am so very, very tired. It's a great stress and very draining to keep pretending to her that I am on her level, when actually I think she should be way out of my reach. By all the usual measures - social standing/influence, attractiveness, wealth and prospects, intelligence - she is my superior, and if it wasn't that she made a bit of effort at the start I would never have thought to speak to her. I tend to just look at the ground and avoid people like her, lest I offend them with my presence.

So I can't keep pretending forever and it's obviously pointless continuing the friendship. I have no energy left by now so I want to cut ties with her. I'll stop initiating contact, of course, and won't suggest meeting up again - she always waits for me to do so. But sooner or later she'll crack and try to talk to me, and then I want to know what to say to maximise her own wellbeing at the expense of my reputation, shall we say. Or in other words, to make me look like the loser and her the winner - I don't want to upset people really.

I reckon it wouldn't work if I just told her "Sorry, I'm actually an autistic dork and you're the first girl I've spoken to for 12 months, I've deliberately deceived you and now can't handle the pressure of trying to maintain the interest of someone I think is far too good for me."

Who would believe it? Not me, for sure. If she told me that I'd laugh, it's not very credible is it.

Should I start acting really weird and creepy, to scare her off? Or make up some other bland but palatable reason for wanting to stop seeing her? But what? I could say I'm going to be too busy with work and won't have time to see her enough.
Or shall I tell her I'm gay?

I've never had to ditch someone before, how do we do it? I followed her down the rabbit hole and now I'm lost and want to get out, haha.

Thanks!

LOL... you're not autistic. You are a self-absorbed, self-sabotaging, drama queen.

First of all, if you really were autistic, you wouldn't be able to pretend you were self-confident, assured, and successful with women.

Secondly, if you really were autistic and had, by some miracle, been able to pull off this acting feat, you'd simply go back into your shell without making a big production about it.

Pretending you are autistic is just a way for you to rationalize not making the efforts that successful people make to become successful.

[devonbrown]

Do not play games. Do not try to trick her into leaving you. Just be honest with her. And deal with the consequences, good or bad. That is the only way to be.

[Cerby]

Yea, I agree with 2 options:

Start being yourself and see if she wants to stick around
or
Tell her "This just isn't working for me, I'm sorry" and end it.

As the recent recipient of the "I just don't have time for a relationship right now" excuse, I know how much the attempted soft-letdown/lie actually hurts.

[Horseyguy]

I've never had to ditch someone before, how do we do it? I followed her down the rabbit hole and now I'm lost and want to get out, haha.

Thanks!

I'm confused.

According to your previous threads you posted on here, all you do is dump people as soon as they show any interest in you.

just treat her like shit and with the same indifference you normally treat them with and she will just go away

[Nonchalant-Anon]

LOL... you're not autistic. You are a self-absorbed, self-sabotaging, drama queen.

First of all, if you really were autistic, you wouldn't be able to pretend you were self-confident, assured, and successful with women.

Secondly, if you really were autistic and had, by some miracle, been able to pull off this acting feat, you'd simply go back into your shell without making a big production about it.

Pretending you are autistic is just a way for you to rationalize not making the efforts that successful people make to become successful.

I'm sorry, but unless your autistic, you cannot know these things, and every person that has Autism is different, their own person, and an individual. From the way you wrote this, it sounds like a) you have autism yourself, and a distorted view on it or b) your just an ignorant obnoxious individual. I have Aspergers Syndrome, and I can feign confidence. I don't know about this guy, but I don't have a "shell" that I squirm back into. What does that say about your generalisations?

You need to seriously rethink yourself.

And to OP. Don't do it. I did something quite similar to you, yet me and the female remained friends. She later told me, truthfully, that If I had of been honest with her, she wouldn't have left me like I thought she would have. So in other words, had I of been real with her, we would most likely be an item. I do feel socially let down by Autism, but I'm glad that I can shift, and sometimes act nonchalant about my life.

I wish you the best, and if there where a God that I pray to, I would pray that you don't break ties with her, and you try to keep her.
I wish you my best.

-Anon

[Cookie]

hello.



i agree with the first and last guys.

i guess somehow not being yourself has to do with being autistic?

anyway, i'd say enjoy the moment. its probably just a crush anyway. or eventually you will get to know her a lot better and you might lose interest or find out you really do have things in common regardless.

[MerryH]

Are you literally autistic? As in, professionally diagnosed by an actual doctor? If not, then don't throw that term around, you retard. If so, I'm sorry for calling you a retard and I didn't mean it.

Maybe you should stop getting romantically involved with people until you can be more socially aware. You've got some weird ideas about what girls want and how you should respond to that. You think the number one thing that impresses women is that you get a lot of female attention? Not true at all. In fact, this can intimidate lots of people or just turn them off. Stop believing you know all there is to know about women, because you're actually pretty bad at this, okay?

Anyway, with that girl, if you're absolutely sure you can't handle having anything to do with her, then just stop contacting her and taking her calls. If you want to be nice about it, you can tell her you decided you shouldn't date anyone right now. That's it. You don't owe her any explanations. But it you want to actually try it out instead of running away like a coward, then you should start being more honest with her. I mean, a girl who you seem to think is pretty rad basically landed in your lap and you're sabotaging it by lying to her and then claiming it's "too much energy" to fix it.

[eo_ih]

sup guys? Well as a compromise I just decided to ignore her completely during times I felt like having nothing to do with her, and then if/when I wanted to talk to her I did. This obviously massively boosted her interest in me, as well.

This is already the second longest I've stayed "friends" with a girl, and I'm seeing more I dislike about her anyway. She's gone away for a couple of weeks so I'll have some peace and then quite likely after that break we'll have kind of forgotten about each other in a sense or "moved on" from this little fling.

[devonbrown]

sup guys? Well as a compromise I just decided to ignore her completely during times I felt like having nothing to do with her, and then if/when I wanted to talk to her I did. This obviously massively boosted her interest in me, as well.

This is already the second longest I've stayed "friends" with a girl, and I'm seeing more I dislike about her anyway. She's gone away for a couple of weeks so I'll have some peace and then quite likely after that break we'll have kind of forgotten about each other in a sense or "moved on" from this little fling.

OMG. You sound like an immature 12 year old. Grow up.

[eo_ih]

OMG. You sound like an immature 12 year old. Grow up.

______________

[devonbrown]

Thank you for proving my point.