help me please

[brokenup88]

So let me start from the beginning. I am now 22 years old.. my ex is now 23.
We started dating end of our freshmen year of college I was 18 he was 19.
We have been dating for almost 3 years committed and been on and off for 1 year up until last week.
I have had 1 long term relationship before this in high school for about 2 years.
I believe this relationship was the one. I knew in my heart we were meant to be and would get married.
So freshmen year I was single, I had alot of fun. Slept around. Had on and off boyfriends but none really committed.
Until I accidently met my current ex bf. We both thought each other were cute and we finally flirted enough to hook up.
With help from a little alcohol. He was very shy and I started alot of the flirting. We ended up sleeping together and I never
could have imagined we would be dating for this long. We spent every night on the phone until the sun came up.
Snuck off to our school to see each other since we were both home for the summer. About 2 hours away from each other.
So about a month or 2 into just talking we started dating. I was happier then ever. I learned so much about life from this person.
Then about a 1 year and a half into the relationship he started asking questions. Questions about people I've been with before him.
Things I have done before and I of course did not what to admit those wrongs. Some I did, some I didn't I may have brushed it off or lied.
He was so intent on knowing bc some of them were people who played on his team in college and he knew them well.
First let me give u background on this person. They were raised very differently. A strong family background. Greek orthodox. It is very hard for his family to accept other people outside the family.
He is very shy, quiet. Was very involved in soccer his whole life. That was his dream to play professional. He was very dedicated. Barely drank or went out like a typical college boy. So me and him became very close. Did nothing but spend time with each other. I lost friends because I stopped partying and we wud just be with each other. I was his first girlfriend. 2nd girl he slept with and the first person he slept with was a Brazilian prostitute. Which makes me a little upset but I got over it bc he admitted it to me and told me he regretted it.
So he would constantly want to know about my past and he asked me multiple times and I either lied or brushed it aside and it became very built up against him. He would never trust me or always be asking questions and getting mad about boys on fb. Old friends, ex bf's that wud still call/text me but i'd NEVER answer. So therefore I changed my number for him. So we wouldn't have these issues but that didnt make a differnce. Deleting people off facebook or whatever he would still find reasons to mistrust me.
So finally one time when he asked I started telling the truth because i didn't know what else I should do.
He flipped, we broke up but ended up making up.. he told me he would get over it and it just really hurts him. My past upsets him and hes more upset that I lied to him about it. It wishes I told him the truth right in the beginning of the relationship.
so we were back together for a while until he broke up with me for good in April 2010. Out at a bar in front of every1 said it was over.
I was crushed but i brushed it away bc I knew he would come back but he didn't. We still talked, hung over, slept over until we both moved back home. We became very distant that summer. He began partying and doing things i would never expect him to do. Until he got the call one day he was going to greece for soccer tryouts.
One day his dad out of nowhere told him he is leaving in a few hours. I thought this was it and I would never see him again. I never got to say good bye. We cried on the phone until he got on the plane. And he was there for 2 months. He called me once and while and we video chatted as much as possible and he realized this wasnt for him. It was not worth the money and he missed everyone and wanted to come home.
The day he flew home he went home, dropped his clothes and came straight for me. He didnt even see his family. He saw me.
We were on and off through that mouth. He still wasnt ready to get back together but we would still hang out once and awhile.
This is when I began to catch him in stupid lies. Making plans to hang out with me and last min he couldn't because his family had a wedding he HAD to attend and later on I find out he didn't go to a wedding he went out with friends. His excuse was he doesn't have to tell me bc I was not his gf.
So he moved in with his buddies from college in Novemeber 2010 and began attending graduate school. This was when things got fishy. I started questioning him. I had his fb password and I found a message to this girl at like 5 in the am.. a night that him and his buddies went out.
So i wanted the truth, I drove down to his apt and demanded to speak to him to his face bc I wanted the truth.
I came to find out it was not him who wrote the message. It was his friend from spain.. which I believed bc the message was in very broken english and made no sense. So right in front of me.. he messaged the girl and apologized. So i felt ok and blew it over.
Again we hung out once and a while all nov, dec and january we started hanging out more often. During this whole break up we spoke everyday tho. At least through text or on the phone at night. We just lived an hour away so we didnt see each other.
I would sleep over alot and i though things were going good until i saw on his history on his computer he would look at that same girl's pictures everyday on fb. He would look at her facebook everyday. Not a day would pass where he didnt. I confronted him and he got very defensive and he made me delete the history and said he didn't do it. He is not the only one who used his computer everyday.
so ok I blew it off.
So things were going good, and then it was his bday in feb. I tried to plan something with all his friends and he got mad at me for doing that so we didn't even speak on his bday but he ended up having people over for it anyways.
He texted me the next day saying that girl was supposed to stop by but she didn't because his roommate told her not to because he was still talking to me. here's the thing.. This girl is his roommate's girlfriends family friend.
Later I found a fb message from her from that day.. saying she is sorry she never stopped by because she really wanted too. and obviously he did too.
SO after this.. march was great so was april. He started telling me he felt lik it was like old times again. we started hanging out alot more often. I'd stay at his apt for days and he started saying I love you again.
and THEN I found her number stored in his phone under a guy's name. He denied it and made up some story that it was so and so's gf and hes lik now you are going to start problems with this person which was this total made up lie. Bc I looked up the number and it was traced back to this exact girl. He was so mad bc I invaded his privacy. but after that he stored her in his phone under the real name and finally after a week or so he let me delete the number out of his phone so I felt good.
We were doing so well until middle of may. He started being distant again. Not wanting to hang out. Not calling me like usual.
and I knew something was up. I found out this girl was moving back to NY. She is originally from NY.. moved to NC or something but comes back for holidays, summer, etc. I also found out she moved into his apt building. Staying w a friend. I did not bring this up but I think he knew that I knew. and I suspected this was not going to be good. I knew they wud hang out and I knew it wud be bad.
SO about 2 weekends ago he told me he really wanted to be left alone. He needed his space. he couldnt be with me bc things of my past still hurt him. He felt I lied to him and he cant get over it. So I gave him space. He texted me to see what I was doing a couple times
and then one day I called him. he flipped. he wanted me to leave him alone and he sed he cant be with me. so I ended up meeting him at his apt. we got in a huge blow out fight. he said he wasnt w any girls etc etc... he sed to just leave him alone and hes just angry towards me and he sed if I leave he wud promise to come to my house and talk to me later that night.
later i found out he was at the apt pool with that girl and his roommate. he never came over that night.. he claimed he was too tired but then he ended up going out. The next day I called him and me and him were going to talk after work at 5. but at 11 that day I went on his fb and found a message to that girl. telling her I am crazy, I am phyco and stalk him. That he hasnt been with me since march despite what she heard. bc she was told told to stay away bc he still was talking to me. he said we only talk once and awile but its over. which are all lies bc I was with him and slept with him the week b4. He told her he really likes her and cant wait to see her again.
so I left work and showed up at his apt. We got the worst fight ever. He admitted he slept with her. he likes her and this wasnt cheating bc we were dating. he had every right to do what he wants. he said he hates me. he regrets being w me and everything else mean.
the girl slept with him the first night. she is a complete 180 of me. I am 22, I have a great job, I am very conservative (now).. I dont go out and party, I shop at j crew, banana republic and gap. She is 28, covered in tattoos.. has about 5, and just got her whole back covered in a geshia women. She has her tongue, nose, and face pierced. She gets around from what I have heard. meanwhile all he wanted was me to be a virgin. I was never allowed to get a tattoo or dress with my top too low or shorts to high and she parades around lik a * * * * * .
he fb statuses consist of.. suck me beautiful and I where high heels bigger then your * * * * . She listens to music where the band SCREAMS so loudly and are rockers and the type of bands u are scared of.
I have nothing against people like this but I dont understand how u can do a complete 180 of me. It hurts and its painful.
we have no spoken since i found out and we fought. He has called me bc he needs info.. like help on his passwords or I had a old phone of his. but i refused to answer. I only texted him to tell him he can come get his phone at my office but i left it at the desk I did not want to see him.
I know he is still with this girl I know they still hang out and I feel lik they will all summer bc she lives right there.
but it really is painful to be betrayed lik this. His excuse is we werent together for a long time and its not cheating.
She goes back to NC in august but i dont kno what will happen. Will he realize his mistake and come back to me?
bc i miss him so much and I just want to pick up the phone and call him but I cant bc I am trying to be strong.
I cannot stop thinking about him tho and the thought of him and her together makes me sick.
do u think he really likes this girl? I just think he has become this monster.
please someone give me advice. feel free to judge i will not be offended. and feel free to ask more questions.

[VincenzoG91]

This wall of text is too much, so I'm going to try to distill your post down to the important stuff:

You and your ex are young. Your relationship was on-again/off-again 75%/25% for the last four years.

Before you met him, you slept around a lot during your freshman year on campus. After a while, he started asking awkward questions about your past. First you lied, and then finally you told him the truth.

He is a shy guy from a conservative family, so he can't handle your wild past. So he told his friends that you're not his girlfriend anymore and eventually started seeing somebody else on the side. You found out, and then he lied about the situation and eventually you started having fights with him about the lies and the cheating.

I think that you should forget about him. You both lied to each other, and then he started cheating on you, and now it seems that he would rather be with the other woman instead of you. It doesn't make him a monster or make you a loser, but it just means that your relationship is over and you need to move on.

[brokenup88]

yes all this is true but this girl is much wilder then me. a tattoo that covers her whole back while i wasnt even allowed to have 1 tattoo. I'm hurt and i dont want to move on. I have never lied to him... just brushed away my past where it shud be. you do not tell the person you are with about your past.
I want him to come back to me bc i know we are meant to be.

[Wakeup]

In future please use proper paragraphs because you'll get more responses and it's much easier to read and comprehend with break in between your thoughts.

I went on his fb and found a message to that girl. telling her I am crazy, I am phyco and stalk him. That he hasnt been with me since march despite what she heard. bc she was told told to stay away bc he still was talking to me. he said we only talk once and awile but its over. which are all lies

It's not all lies at all. He told you several times that you were not a committed couple but you chose not to listen to that and you kept going to bed with him without committment. This drove you to be an insane stalker who checked his private phone and email accounts and creep his face book page to the point of hacking into his email.

You have been a friend with benefits your whole entire life since you first broke up with your high school bf. Get some respect for yourself and stop settling to be someone's go to to get laid and then off they go. It's funny that guys want to screw girls who will screw but they still mostly all have that double standard where it's alright for in the moment but they'd never keep you around for a life partner.

Get some counceling at your uni to aid you in the self-worth department and to give you the tools to say no to men when it's obvious that they just want the booty when you want more. He never committed to you after he broke up with you and couldn't respect you because of your past. (he's a double standard douche) ... not once through that whole post did he say you were exclusive but, he did lie to keep the booty coming. However his actions, which you should have been paying attention to and not his words, clearly told you that he didn't value you in the way you wanted to be valued. Don't ignore red flag behaviour in the future and get yourself away from men who say one thing, but show you another in their actions.

Leave him alone now and work on being the best you that you can be, happy in your own skin and with enough self-worth to quit being the go to girl and not much else.

You two are not meant to be. If you were then he wouldn't care about your past as long as you've put your actions in the past and you're still not being who you once were.

Best of luck.

P.S. He didn't cheat on you because you were never in nor did he agree to be in an exclusive, monogamous relationship with you.

[smackie9]

Ya he's just busting out of his conservative shell and wants to experience life. It's best for you to close this chapter in your life and move on. I can tell you this, if you got married to him it wouldn't have lasted. You are to young to be considering marriage and have so much to learn about relationships. I recommened you stay single, date casually, travel, enjoy new experiences. You really have to be prepared for marriage. It's A LOT of hard work, making sacrifices, compromise, respect, compatability, etc. There a hell of a lot more to it than just being in love.....

[brokenup88]

we did date exclusively for 3 years. i was faithful to him and he was faithful to me the whole time.
I can't bare the thought of being without him. I have not and will not speak to him for as long as it takes.
But will he ever come back?
Will he realize this girl is not what he wanted and realize he lost the best thing in his life?
His friends have been telling me he just needs time and that he's all about me.
and nothing with this tattoo girl will last.

[brokenup88]

boys do not feel remorse at all though? He does not feel bad?
Even when weeks ago he was telling me he loves me?
And I do not think he wud sleep with me just to get booty.
He is not like that.. it took forever for us to start sleeping together again bc he did not want to do that!

[Wakeup]

we did date exclusively for 3 years. i was faithful to him and he was faithful to me the whole time.
I can't bare the thought of being without him. I have not and will not speak to him for as long as it takes.
But will he ever come back?
Will he realize this girl is not what he wanted and realize he lost the best thing in his life?
His friends have been telling me he just needs time and that he's all about me.
and nothing with this tattoo girl will last.

Who knows if he'll come back or not but why would you want him back? He can't accept your past behaviour and he's being an ass about that because I'm sure he wasn't a virgin when he met you. He won't realize he's lost the best thing in his life while he has other options. Men normally don't think that way.

His friends are not doing you any favors by giving you false hope like that. Quit talking to them as well. They are HIS FRIENDS and they will tell you what you want to hear so that their friend can have his cake and eat it too.

Your exclusive relationship was before you broke up. After you broke up and then jumped into each others bed again, there was no exclusive arrangement.

See about talking to that councelor I mentioned. It will help you to get a fresh perspective on what the meaning of being loved and respected actually means.

You will hurt for awhile but if you have the guts to accept that he's a douche and you don't want him back you will heal that much quicker and you'll find that if you allow one door to close, another will open to someone that is much better suited to you.

it took forever for us to start sleeping together again bc he did not want to do that!

Yea, well he's only human and if you're offering he's eventually going to accept. His actions tell you all you need to know (sex is not an action of love when all his other actions are not loving.) he may have told you he loved you but his actions didn't match those words. Lying and avoiding you, making plans and cancelling... telling you that your relationship was not bf/gf.. match his actions. He made you do crazy-stalker-chick-shit. Why do you still want a man who makes you do crazy-stalker-chick-shit?

[Deeza07]

He probably didn't want to be with you as you clearly didn't trust him or his judgement with the other woman...your actions may have actually pushed him into the arms of this other girl.