Not Enough "Us" Time

[Winter_Sky]

I've been off and on with a girl for about four years. Now that we've both grown up a bit and sorted our lives, we're actually dating. It's all good and fun, but because of her work, we rarely get any time alone. Her only "free" day is Saturday, and she likes to see all of her friends that one day a week, being a very social person.

I've made a few attempts to spend alone time with her, but I typically have to settle for a short, casual dinner before gathering the friends to go do something else. She absolutely won't go one weekend without seeing all of her friends. I feel like, after four years of being romantic on some level, we should be spending time alone to talk, be intimate, etc.

I can sympathize with her time constraints, but I feel she should be making more of an effort to spend time on our relationship. It's getting to a point where I feel nervous holding her hand or giving her little kisses in public because it just doesn't feel like we're dating.

I just don't know what to do about this. Anyone have any advice, preferably from someone who's been in a similar situation?

-WS

[Cerby]

It sounds like you both have different ideas as to where you should be at. This can be a deal-breaker for early relationships, but as you've been together-ish for 4 years, have you tried talking to her about it? Communication is key, and this can likely be solved with a bit of it.

[Winter_Sky]

I brought it up to her about two weeks ago. I told her that I felt we needed more time to really be a couple, and she agreed. We ended up agreeing on dinner and a movie before the usual group hangout, which was hardly a victory. It was nice, but a few hours alone together (half of which wasn't spent talking, due to the movie) isn't much considering that it's literally the only alone time we had spent together since dating.

After four years of playing the whole not-just-friends-but-not-officially-dating game, I feel like we should be more serious. Hell, we were more "serious" about a year ago (before we started dating and before she got a job) than we are now. Even with her new time constraints, I feel like she could make time for me if she wanted to, though it's not like she seems distant. She's very affectionate and loving when we are together, we just rarely are together.

[Cerby]

and that might or might not make things tough for you. You'll need to determine how much time compromise you'll be able to make before you lose what the relationship means to you. I don't think there is much help we'll be able to give here. You need to find a happy medium with her, and if you can't then you have to decide if the relationship is worth the stress that will come with the time management problem.

[MerryH]

So, uh, when do you guys have sex? I realize you're not asking about any sexual issues, so don't answer that if you don't feel it's at all relevant.

Anyway, it sort of seems like you're an afterthought. Her priorities seem to lie with spending time with friends, not you. I would find that a problem. I mean, you talked to her about it and she agreed, and her solution was to spend some alone time in public with you before getting together with her friends. That doesn't really fix anything, it just hushes you up for a bit. Like, "Ugh, okay, fine, I'll spend some ****ing time with you. We can go out to dinner or whatever first." I don't know, I don't think I would settle for that.

And yes, I have been in this situation, and so have most people who have had any kind of social interactions. Pretty much everyone has had someone in their lives that didn't really want to spend time with them or make a real effort.

Edit: Also, shouldn't she want to spend alone time with you? I can't imagine being really into someone and still preferring to spend time with my friends every chance I get.

[Boisdevie]

If your relationship has been on/off for 4 years that does not sound like a relationship that is really going to go anywhere. And can't you guys see each other in the evenings? Or does she work 24/7 which is unlikely.

[Winter_Sky]

We don't have sex because we never have the opportunity, and while that's been irritating, it's not at the top of my priorities.

She doesn't work 24/7, but she works afternoons/evenings; I work weekends and have classes during the week in the morning/afternoon. The *only* time each weak when we are both free at the same time is Saturday night, and she doesn't want to blow off her friends to spend quality time with me. I know she cares about me deeply, so I can't understand why she wouldn't want to spend more time with me.

Now that it comes to mind, it may be worth noting that she has issues with closeness. She doesn't mind showing affection, but she's always had a hard time opening up to people. I don't know if she's just keeping her distance right now (she's done it in the past, hence our "on/off" status for the past few years) but since she decided to be in a committed relationship with me, I thought she was ready to really open up. Perhaps she's still struggling with these issues?

[Boisdevie]

It does not sound good. I'd dump her and find someone else.

[MerryH]

Perhaps she's still struggling with these issues?

Maybe. But how long are you going to wait around for her to work through these issues at the expense of your own sense of security, happiness, and well-being? Why would you want a distant girlfriend? I'm sure you really like her a lot, but relationships can and should be a lot better than that.

You told her how you felt about this, she made a (lame) attempt at fixing it, and now it's very clear where her priorities lie. You can either accept the few hours a week of alone time she's willing to give you, or you don't. If you're totally fine with only getting that, then make the best of it. But just know that you're settling for a subpar relationship.

[lisa2011]

You should be telling this to her, not us. If she cares about keeping the r/ship she'll do her best to have more us time.