I have a compulsive snooping and insecurity problem... please help me.

[vergeltung]

I don't want to be like this.

My boyfriend and I have been together about 8 months, known each other about a year, and we are living together. I do things that I know he would consider a violation of his trust, and I want to stop, but just don't know how. I go through his text messages, call history, and access his Facebook and read his messages on there. What I don't get is that most of the time there is nothing to even be concerned about, yet I keep searching and searching... for something that I don't know! I do feel insecure and I don't know why. Sometimes I feel so insecure about things that my stomach turns and I feel like I could be sick. If we go somewhere and he sees someone he knows who happens to be female, I get very jealous inside. If I see a female comment on one of his photos (on Facebook), the same thing, and every time his phone rings, I can't help but think "is it his ex?". I have never been this way before. Sometimes I just shut off and ignore him completely. Last night I was on one of my snooping binges again and I found a message from one of his female friends, telling him that she missed talking to him, and he replied "we can still chat, no problem doll." "Doll" being something he calls me. I was so upset that I left the house (in tears) for several hours and never told him what I was upset about or where I was going.

I think part of it is... I love him very much. I love him more than any man I've been with, and he says he feels the same way about me. I've been more "open" with him, sexually, emotionally, and in every other way than anyone else. I guess I feel vulnerable. It's not that we fight all the time or anything. Most of this is in MY head, and I never express it. But I don't want to feel this way because I can sense that it will drive us apart. Why do I do this???

He hasn't ever really given me a reason to not trust him. I mean, the doll thing is upsetting, but if I read back in the message thread a little more it appears that they are just friends. But there's just something inside of me saying that I can't trust him. What do I do??

[Boisdevie]

Get therapy?

[vergeltung]

I have considered that, but I live in a small town and wouldnt even know where to go. I was hoping that someone could just tell me something that would make me see the light, so to speak. Maybe I will believe I am crazy if even an unbiased stranger online tells me.

[Ugly_Idiot]

You need to stop worshipping him. That's a term i use when your life basically revolves totally around them.

You need to find a way to stop being so insecure.

Do you get out much? With friends?

[oldskool83]

i dont like to snoop on people unless they give me a reason to snoop. I feel once somone starts your become addicted to checking constantly. it kinda gives you relief each time you find nothing. the term doll is just a word. ive called women that in bars and have a g/f. why did i do it, cuz i forgot their names lol. he stated we can chat, he didnt state anything else. You seem like a loyal person, when you do these things to people you care about they can find out or sence somthing wrong eventually. you can end up pushing somone away that means so much to because they can smell your fear. im not going to say you need help, or need to talk to somone. 1st off you came here so you already wanted some answers.

your addicted to a bad additcion and have to slowly ween yourself off it. everytime you want to snoop why dont you send your bf and text saying your thinking about him or somthing like that. transfer your engery and distance yourself from the world of technologoy. and respect his phone even if hes on your plan or if hes paying for it. the fact is if he lets it around your out of his sight hes hiding nothing. trust me, people who have things to hide on their phones will never leave them alone out of sight around somone they say they care about, it does not happen.

[vergeltung]

You need to stop worshipping him. That's a term i use when your life basically revolves totally around them.

You need to find a way to stop being so insecure.

Do you get out much? With friends?

You're right, I do worship him. Not a pleasant way to look at it, but it's absolutely true. I used to be so independent... and now it's like, if I'm home alone all I do is pace in circles like a dog or something! Just waiting for him to get home. And no, unfortunately, I don't get out much. I don't have a lot of friends, and that certainly plays into this big time. I need to find something to fill my time... I see that now. Thank you.

i dont like to snoop on people unless they give me a reason to snoop. I feel once somone starts your become addicted to checking constantly. it kinda gives you relief each time you find nothing. the term doll is just a word. ive called women that in bars and have a g/f. why did i do it, cuz i forgot their names lol. he stated we can chat, he didnt state anything else. You seem like a loyal person, when you do these things to people you care about they can find out or sence somthing wrong eventually. you can end up pushing somone away that means so much to because they can smell your fear. im not going to say you need help, or need to talk to somone. 1st off you came here so you already wanted some answers.

your addicted to a bad additcion and have to slowly ween yourself off it. everytime you want to snoop why dont you send your bf and text saying your thinking about him or somthing like that. transfer your engery and distance yourself from the world of technologoy. and respect his phone even if hes on your plan or if hes paying for it. the fact is if he lets it around your out of his sight hes hiding nothing. trust me, people who have things to hide on their phones will never leave them alone out of sight around somone they say they care about, it does not happen.

It has definitely become an addiction. I can't believe I am capable of doing something so low and sneaky. Thanks for the suggestion of how to expell my energy in other ways - I think that is very helpful. When that feeling starts to come over me, I need to figure out something positive to do with it.

I need to face everything for what it is. He loves and cares about me. He is with ME. Everything else is just messed up delusional stuff that happens in my head.

[oldskool83]

Yep its you getting lose in you mind what if, boredum can lead to bad things.

[pisces25]

Loving someone comes with a lot of fear. Fear that they will leave, fear that the relationship will end etc. You need to get over this fear, as it is this that is making you snoop. Also, sometimes we sabotage relationships when we fear they will end so you may subconciously be wanting to stumble across something sinister so you can say 'ha! Knew it!' and you get a sense of satisfaction out of that. But you're right it is all in your mind and delusional. Concentrate on letting go of the fear you feel by being in love and your behaviour will slowly improve. Some things that help me is by reminding myself that if the relationship did end for whatever reason it isn't the end of my life. This helps me come back to the present moment and stops the mind from thinking unhealthily. Good luck

[lisa2011]

I get this way too. This sounds cliche, but did your parents get divorced when you were young? Or you had some other loss of some kind? My parents divorced when I was a baby and I am extremely jealous and insecure in relationships and have a lot of trouble with trust. I think I'm expecting to be abandoned by men. Maybe something like that is the same with you. I got therapy and I think it did help some.

[KelE]

"curiosity killed the cat" is a saying that comes to my mind. I think some of the things you do aren't that bad but you are just torturing yourself with some of it. Like someone stated in an earlier thread, people are very intuitive and when you are snooping around like that and distrusting and insecure others can definitely sense it. So that is what I meant by curiosity killing the cat. The cat=your relationship. Your behavior will eventually kill your relationship because it will not be able to grow and evolve because you are so paranoid. It is worth it to trust people even though you can get hurt if someone violates that trust, but ultimately the end result is the same. Why drive the person away and be miserable in your relationship. If someone is going to stray from the relationship, there is nothing you can do but deal with it. If there is actual legitimate reason to not trust someone then you just shouldn't be with them.

[surfer808]

I second channeling your behavior into a positive. The reason your doing this is your afraid to lose him and he has been put on a pedestal. He is a human with flaws just as every one of us are. When you feel like snooping, keep repeating I am afraid to lose him thats why I do this, and its going to kill the relationship, and then push that thought out and replace it with something positive. Obsessing to snoop has become a bad habit and it has consumed you. You can reel it back in. Good luck!

[devonbrown]

The reason that she is doing this is not because she has put him on a pedestal. It is because she doesn't feel confident enough in herself. Snooping, jealousy, etc are all symptoms of insecurity.

I think part of it is... I love him very much.

You loving him very much is not part of the problem. That is simply the means to your ends. And you want to find things wrong. Because they will then re-enforce your poor self-image.

Don't use a small town as an excuse as to not seek assistance from a therapist. If you don't know where to go, try asking your doctor. He or she will be able to give you a reference.

I am sorry that I sound harsh on this, but the issue here is with you. Not him or his friends or other girls or anyone else.

Something that scientists always say - never go into an experiment looking to find something in particular because you will find it. Basically, you will manipulate things enough subconsciously so you find it. Humans like to feel that they were right and we create circumstances so that we get that rush when we discover it.

[Wakeup]

I have considered that, but I live in a small town and wouldnt even know where to go. I was hoping that someone could just tell me something that would make me see the light, so to speak. Maybe I will believe I am crazy if even an unbiased stranger online tells me.

Go to your family doctor and ask him for a referral. He will direct you to someone and request the first appointment for you.

I left the house (in tears) for several hours and never told him what I was upset about or where I was going.

This will cause your relationship to end. You're leaving him wondering WTF what's wrong and why can't she be mature enough to discuss whats wrong will wear his nerves thin in no time at all so it's in your own best interests to train your mind to not go "there."

First start to wean yourself away from checking up on him. Then, train your brain to accept that there are certain things that are beyond your control. Your fear is based on feeling out of control so I suggest that you stop trying to control things that are absolutely beyond you being able to control. Like someone cheating. If they're going to do it then there is nothing you can do to stop it so just trust that nothing is going on and that if something begins to go on, the red flags he presents will alert you to something that's not quite right.

If you can't do that on your own, get to a state of being able to accept the things you can't change, so that your jealousy and fear will disappear, then you need professional help to guide you to that state.

[smackie9]

You have obsessive behaviour which tells me you are quite young....it's typical in a lot of cases for girls your age. In time as you get older and get more experience, you will mature enough that you will lose those urges. But for now everytime you get the urge, go do something else and tell yourself nothing good comes from this behaviour.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

In time as you get older and get more experience, you will mature enough that you will lose those urges. But for now everytime you get the urge, go do something else and tell yourself nothing good comes from this behaviour.

Not true. As time goes on, you will become a controlling, manipulative psychobitch, if you don't deal with your insecurity. You should start by telling him how you feel AND what you've been doing and that you are stopping.