The age-old long distance question... :<

[TheTooya]

I've poked on-and off of this board, always seeing the long-distance question... So, well, its my turn :/

We have been going out for over two years. I graduated first, got myself a full time job in the US that I am doing well for myself in. She hasn't found a job yet...

My plan: Stay at my company, move up the ranks, etc. Its a very good company, and unless I want to lose stock options or my signing bonus, I won't be leaving for at least two years. I don't see any immediate plans of moving away.

Her Plan: Live in Japan (across the world) with her mom, looking for work.

___
She might come back to the US, she might not. Within this year, I am pretty sure shes in Japan to stay.

So, what do you think? I know the obvious answer that most of the board will give is: "break it off, distance doesn't work so well, especially for an indefinite amount of time".. so please try to help me by delving a bit deeper? Her last email said: "If I am still not in the US for 5 years, it will obviously not work"

Thanks

[Bonfire]

It sounds to me, her plans for the future doesn't necessarily include you. You are an option but not a certainty base on what she said. She is going to graduate from college right? Usually girls would be thinking about settling down with someone at this point so it speak volume that she isn't certain if it is with you or not. If a girl wants to be with you, they will either ask you to come with them or they will go where you are. Did she even ask you to come with her? I guess it's up to you to make that determination whether she loves you as much as you love her. Only time will tell...

[TheTooya]

She did graduate from college, about a month or two ago. She stayed at my apartment for a few weeks, but her mom asked her to come back to Japan.

I am thinking about maybe moving to a house with my mom and having a room to myself as a studio, working on children's book illustrations from home, and finding jobs whereever i can, and hanging out with you when/if you come visit to Japan. lol It would be fun? :3 You'd visit right? ... :< That way I can be with my mom and hang out with you and draw too. If I go back to Austin, it's not like you'd have time to hang out with me since you'd be working anyways, and I'd end up waiting for you to get home everyday and I didn't like that at all when I was there earlier. :\ this way, I'll get to hang out with you when you actually have time off! And no I wouldnt marry you long distance so you'd have to eventually find a job in Japan before we even got engaged. So then your mom would be happy because we wouldn't move anywhere for at least a year or two, and when you found a job/are ready, you'd be moving back to Japan. I guess that is the ideal plan. I don't know if we would stay together that long while long distance, but idk. Just a thought, I guess.

.....


Yeah... idk if long distance relationship is a good idea esp at the beginning of a relationship of a lifetime or whatever, because once you live together or what not later on, maybe it won't be the same as you imagined it would be like or what you remembered it to be like. idk. I don't know what you'd do if I didn't go back to Austin, but you should think about it because I don't know if I'm going to go back .. yet.

I know you wouldn't quit your job, that makes sense not to, you just started and you're doing so well, it'd be dumb to leave your company so soon. I don't even know if you'd want to leave in two years - you'd probably still be doing well, if not better, so maybe you'd want to stay for at least 5 years, which might end up being longer too if you get a higher up position. If that happens and I'm still not in the US, for sure we can't stay together -- there's just no way we can be together when we're apart for that long and it just doesn't make any sense to be together at that point, lol. I guess that's pretty far in the future so we have plenty of time to think about it, though.

For now, I still love you and miss you and want to see you

Soo... yea....


Man my heads all fuzzy trying to think whats the logical thing, what I want to do, what I'm ok with emotionally, and what the repricussions on her feelings are...

****


Logically, it might make sense if we spit up. She tried living at my place for 2 weeks.. and almost every day was a big fight.

It sounds to me, her plans for the future doesn't necessarily include you. You are an option but not a certainty base on what she said. She is going to graduate from college right? Usually girls would be thinking about settling down with someone at this point so it speak volume that she isn't certain if it is with you or not. If a girl wants to be with you, they will either ask you to come with them or they will go where you are. Did she even ask you to come with her? I guess it's up to you to make that determination whether she loves you as much as you love her. Only time will tell...

She doesto settle down, she wanted to live in my apartment. I told her thats nice, but she had to find her own place; she could stay at my apartment for a while until she finds a job. Her mom then asked her to come back to Japan, so she went back to Japan last weekend.

[loves568]

If she's not coming back, and you love your job then walk away before you get your heart torn apart. She chose to leave, so where is her heart right now? Ask her what she wants, and make the decision for both of you if she won't make it herself. Five years from now, you two might have gone in completely different directions, both literally and figuratively, and you will have spent all that time trying to hold onto something. You'll be left with all that wasted time and nothing to show for it.

[Cerby]

I've heard of some long distance relationships working when you see the person every other month and stuff like that, but 5 years just isn't really realistic. What is a relationship without physical contact? I personally couldn't do it, I've struggled when exes have gone away for a few weeks on business, etc.

For now, I still love you and miss you and want to see you

this quote scares me, the "for now" means that she is already starting to accept a future that may not include you. Its tough to do man, but sometimes you need to go of the one you love.

The ultimate decision will be up to you.

[TheTooya]

I've heard of some long distance relationships working when you see the person every other month and stuff like that, but 5 years just isn't really realistic. What is a relationship without physical contact? I personally couldn't do it, I've struggled when exes have gone away for a few weeks on business, etc.

The ultimate decision will be up to you.

Thanks, I just replied to her email :/

I think its good that you are spending time with your Mom, and it might be the best decision for you to make right now.

About Us... I don't know whats the best decision for us to make. A part of me thinks the best thing would be for you to do what you do best in Japan next to your mom, and I'll keep on working doing my best as a software developer.. and who knows, I might go to Japan for work one day, or you might go to Texas one day too... and if either of our paths change again, we can pick up where we left off. That way there is no pressure for one of us to leave what we are doing. It sounds like you are having fun in Japan right now, more fun than when you were in Austin... maybe its better for you :/ . That same part of me feels like I am clinging to you because I know how amazing you are, but I need to let go of it a little... am I sound crazy thinking this?

No matter what, I will always love you :<

I'm doing ok (going to ganbarouu and clean up!), it sounds like you are doing ok too

i miss youu, and love you,
Tyler

I think its best if we split up, the question is if I am strong enough to do it :/ Its never fun being the guy to break the relationships...

[Boisdevie]

Break up. It is NOT going to work, no way, no how.

[Petit Papillon]

Boisdevie, very smart answer

OP, I guess it's not very healthy for both of you if you keep on being in this relationship. LDR's do work out (we even have one very good example on this forum, one of our regulars was in LDR for some time, now he's married and has a baby with her and they live together of course ) ,but there have to be a very strong will from both sides. And people have to see each other often ,yeah like every month or so AND there has to be some end date. In your case it's maybe 5 years, maybe not, maybe more, maybe 10 ... it's not good for neither of you, you both have nothing to look forward to . You cannot either go forward with your lives . I don't really understand why she can't come to US. Is she studying in Japan ? cause if it's just work issue, she can find job everywhere,right? Dunno.

[TheTooya]

She has family in Japan. Shes tried to find work where I live, but was unable to. Her mom (understandably) did not like the idea of her living in Austin without a job yet, and asked her to fly back to Japan.

So... thats her story. I guess the idea of "Splitting up, but if one of us moves we can maybe rekindle?" is not too harsh?

I was here 3 years ago, got the advice/motivation needed to break up with my last ex, but I know that I crushed her feelings in doing so.. I'd hope that doesn't happen with this one...

[Petit Papillon]

how come she can't find any job? Any any any? If it's the only reason,i don't understand you two being apart... She could live with you now,would be a bit tight with the money,but im sure she would find something in next few months...

[TheTooya]

**** I don't know.... shes looking for work right now. Shes probably going to stay in Japan, and I told her I *will* be staying in the US for sure for the next 2 years.

She basically freaked with my last email... so we are seeing whats going down..

[Saya]

What kind of job was she looking for? She doesn't have to get the job she wants now and get a job somewhere else.
Also how come you two were fighting so much when you two were living together?
Hmm, long distance relationship can be difficult with any stage of the relationship...if you two aren't going to see each other for a while during the relationship then it would be very difficult to work...

[Petit Papillon]

So where this 5 years came from ? Don't understand... You said you'll stay about 2 next years there , she maybe will find a job till then . I'd say, the worst scenario should be 2 years and not 5 ,which makes a big difference.

[lisa2011]

Tell her your concerns. If the relationship is very important to her, she'll prioritize it. But she is lookig for work in Japan and you are in the US? Ask her why she doesn't look for work in the US so you can be together.

[devonbrown]

The thing about long distance is that in and of itself it is not a relationship-killer. However, it does act as a magnifying glass. Any little thing gets blown up and everything gets overthought. That is just the nature of it.

This situation doesn't sound like it is as much about long distance as it is about differences in what each of you is looking for in life. Love is one thing, but it is not enough to make a lasting relationship. For a relationship to endure, you have to have similar ideals and thoughts about what you want from life. It sounds like the two of you want different things, in different places. From that standpoint, I can't see it working out, distance or not.

Good luck.