Paranoid or stupid? (Is my g/f cheating)

[Unluckyforsome]

Hi I am new to this forum and really need advice from someone and I dont know where to turn. I dont want to ask my friends or family because I find it really embarrassing and upsetting to talk about and I dont always think they give me a straight answer because they dont want to hurt my feelings. So if you can bear with me for the next 5 minutes and read what I am going through and give me your honest opinion I would really appricate it.

I have been dating my g/f for about a year and 3 months now she has a child of her own who I am pretty close with now. She likes me alot and my g/f has mentioned several times to me and behind my back that part of the reason she is with me is because of my relationship with her daughter. I am well and truly loved up with this girl and I thought she felt the same way until recentley. Long story short I have never really trusted her from the start because she has a reputation from her past for being abit of a cheat. She has changed now though and not just a little bit but drastically. She used to be a hardcore drug addict and is now clean and doing well with her life. I am also similar to her as I was a heavy pot smoker which she blamed for my paranoia. I have given up the pot now but still find myself with the same trust issues.

She has alot of male friends from her past who she still talks to and claims that all her ex's where ok with this. I havent dated in a while and have no idea if I should be ok with her having alot of guy friends? One of whom I found dirty texts on her phone from him and she claimed that he speaks to all girls this way and thats just the way he is. She also says that they are purley just friends and she couldnt sleep with him because she see's him as almost a brother. I told her she cannot continue to have contact with him if she wants us to work and she spoke to him and saw him like twice over the last 6 months. Now she has stated that she needs friends in her life because I have my male friends who I see once or twice a week and she claims she has no one to talk to except for me. She says if she doesnt have outside contact she will start using drugs again out of bordem. I agreed that she should have friends to because its not really fair for her to have no one when I have my mates.

This boy who sent her the dirty texts has now been up to see her and she says he was there with another friend and it wasnt just her and him alone, he also only spent about an hour there and then left. Before this she has also been to some other boys house who she claims is a mate and has a g/f who was there to, she has been to his house twice in two weeks. I picked her up from there but she didnt let me pick her up from his house but had me wait at the end of his street. I later found out that it couldnt be the dirty text boys house because he lives somewhere else. She claims they are old friends that she bumped into in Asda, I was there and did meet these boys but I havent seen them since because I didnt drive up to their house. A few days later she text me telling me she left me a message on Facebook saying 'Miss you xx'. Then two boys liked this comment because she posted it on her own page and not on mine. One of the boys is from far far away so dont understand why he liked it but another lad who liked it is from her college. Which got me thinking maybe he thought she was saying miss you to him? Could this be the boy whos house I picked her up from twice?

I called her on all this and accused her of cheating and she went bat shit on me. Saying that she is sick of me not trusting her and that if she wanted another guy then why would she be with me? She has refused to have sex with me for the past 2 weeks because we have been arguing alot. I really love her and think she loves me to but when you put all that evidence together it looks pretty bad right? I dont want to break up with her incase im wrong and she is telling the truth and nothing is going on but I dont want to be cheated on. What should I do?????

When I accuse her of cheating she goes mental which makes me think she is telling the truth but is this just her way of distracting me? Any tips or tricks would be helpful I read about sending her a card or flowers with no name on them and see if she asks me about them? If she doesnt then she is probably trying to hide something because she isnt sure if they are off me or her possible cheating partner. The other thing I could do is sit outside her house in my car next time she has a mate up and see who it is and how long he stays. I am so close to bringing it up again but if I do and I'm wrong or even if I'm right she will deny it then she says it is over because she cant deal with this anymore. I have accused her alot in the past when she hadnt actually done anything but this is the most convinced I have ever been that this time she is cheating. I need evidence. Any advice would be fantastic thanks for your time.

[MerryH]

Any tips or tricks would be helpful I read about sending her a card or flowers with no name on them and see if she asks me about them? If she doesnt then she is probably trying to hide something because she isnt sure if they are off me or her possible cheating partner. The other thing I could do is sit outside her house in my car next time she has a mate up and see who it is and how long he stays.

Both of these things are the worst advice. Do not do either of those, please. Here is why:

She might not mention the flowers because she knows that you are irrational and fly off the handle at any attention from other men. Let's imagine a scenario: She tells you that she got some flowers today (that you had nothing to do with) but doesn't know who they're from. What would your reaction be? Based on your post, I'd guess your reaction would be something like, "Who would have given you flowers?! You're cheating on me, aren't you!"

Your other option of sitting outside her house and watching her is downright creepy and stalkerish. Do not do this.

You just have to trust her. If you can't, then break up with her. That's it.

[Unluckyforsome]

Both of these things are the worst advice. Do not do either of those, please. Here is why:

She might not mention the flowers because she knows that you are irrational and fly off the handle at any attention from other men. Let's imagine a scenario: She tells you that she got some flowers today (that you had nothing to do with) but doesn't know who they're from. What would your reaction be? Based on your post, I'd guess your reaction would be something like, "Who would have given you flowers?! You're cheating on me, aren't you!"

Your other option of sitting outside her house and watching her is downright creepy and stalkerish. Do not do this.

You just have to trust her. If you can't, then break up with her. That's it.

What if I trust her and she is cheating on me and either a) I never find out and she gets away with it or b) She dumps me for some boy. My head is so messed up I cant eat or sleep and I'm just mega depressed.

[Unluckyforsome]

What about you? Have you any exes from your past that you stay in touch with? What about your hardcore drug habit, does it bother her? :p

Hey I hope I'm the bad guy here because that will be a relief for me. I'd rather be a paranoid nut job than have my g/f cheating on me.

I had a few ex's who deleted off my phone and facebook in the first month of our relationship because she didnt like it. The guy who sent her dirty texts isnt an ex either he has always been a mate. I dont have a drug habbit nemore I kicked weed 6 months ago and I thank her for that and I told her that. Im so glad I met her just for the fact that she got me off drugs. Anyway quick update I phoned her and asked her why she had me park down the street and she said because it saved me turning around which is abit dumb and I dont believe that one bit because she never said that before anywhere else she always leaves me go right to the front door. As far as the boy on facebook goes she claims she dont even know who he is.

[Ugly_Idiot]

Hard one to call, no full on evidence BUT why would a mate send her dirty texts? That's not just a mate IMO. I had this shit done to me years ago, and i learnt loads from it. I heard all the excuses under the sun.

I think you should do 1 of 3 things:

-Finish her
-Stay with her, stop being paranoid and trust her despite what she MIGHT be doing
-Or turn the situation around a bit.....start adding your ex's on fb, start texting girls.......and just say 'well theyre just friends' see how she likes it.

[steviej]

Lovehearts, you need to read his posts. Twice he has said he quit smoking 6 months ago.

Op, what set alarm bells ringing was your comment about her main reason for being in the relationship was how well you get on with her kid. That's bad news to me! The main reason should be how much she loves you!

The texts thing isn't good, did you read what messages she sent to him in reply? If she was sending dirty texts then I would not be happy!

No trust will kill the relationship, you need to decide to either believe her or walk away, otherwise you'll be constantly thinking about it and trying to construct elaborate plans to snoop on her.

[Unluckyforsome]

Lovehearts, you need to read his posts. Twice he has said he quit smoking 6 months ago.

Op, what set alarm bells ringing was your comment about her main reason for being in the relationship was how well you get on with her kid. That's bad news to me! The main reason should be how much she loves you!

The texts thing isn't good, did you read what messages she sent to him in reply? If she was sending dirty texts then I would not be happy!

No trust will kill the relationship, you need to decide to either believe her or walk away, otherwise you'll be constantly thinking about it and trying to construct elaborate plans to snoop on her.

Lol I know I couldnt have said it more clearly twice and he stills thinks I smoke it now. Yeah I saw her reply texts to him I cant remember exactly what they where because it was nearly a year ago but she didnt tell him to stop however she didnt encourage him or flirt back it was just like:

Boy: Your so sexy when Im around you I get hard

Gf: Lol thanks

I know my g/f and she isnt the type to hold back her feelings so I do think it was just him that time but now I dont know. I think she is sick of my paranoia and either cheating, cheated or going to cheat.

[justcheckin]

The end of the street thing is pretty shady.... to say the least.

[Rhainnonxx]

but the fact that she flies off the handle when you accuse her of cheating makes her seem defensive..... idk but thats just what i got from it.

[oldskool83]

maybe i can add a little thing about the texting. maybe he just likes her but wont ever do anything. i have friends when they see me they will tell me im looking good, or one that has a crush on will text dump shit like you need a friend . how would you think somone would take that. it dont look good but maybe you dont konw the situation. i have a female friend who i would do anything for cuz im her friend, same with her. ill get texts saying i care about ya or this and that. hell the other day i got somthing to the effect of im a good looking peice of man meat, come with us to the bar saturday i wont eat ya.

looks hellish bad dont it cuz theres someone else in my life she she just dont accept it.

or lets say my best buddies ex gf said tell me when u have a bonfire so i can come up

everything looks shady to the person now knowing the real stories behind everything. do you think you really know all your g/fs stories in lil over a year? would i ever tell my g/f my best female friend and i use to kiss and sleep in the same bed...if she asked if anything ever went on maybe i would, but no my past is my past, my future is my future with who i want my future to be with.. try looking at things outside of the box.

if nothing else i just gave ya somthing to read.

just dont accuse pepole of doing things it makes for conflict. i saw it said your not smoking pot anymore also...dont know how much or use to smoke but you could be going thru withdrawls and its starting to affect the way you see things cuz you wound tighter then u use to be.

[Unluckyforsome]

maybe i can add a little thing about the texting. maybe he just likes her but wont ever do anything. i have friends when they see me they will tell me im looking good, or one that has a crush on will text dump shit like you need a friend . how would you think somone would take that. it dont look good but maybe you dont konw the situation. i have a female friend who i would do anything for cuz im her friend, same with her. ill get texts saying i care about ya or this and that. hell the other day i got somthing to the effect of im a good looking peice of man meat, come with us to the bar saturday i wont eat ya.

looks hellish bad dont it cuz theres someone else in my life she she just dont accept it.

or lets say my best buddies ex gf said tell me when u have a bonfire so i can come up

everything looks shady to the person now knowing the real stories behind everything. do you think you really know all your g/fs stories in lil over a year? would i ever tell my g/f my best female friend and i use to kiss and sleep in the same bed...if she asked if anything ever went on maybe i would, but no my past is my past, my future is my future with who i want my future to be with.. try looking at things outside of the box.

if nothing else i just gave ya somthing to read.

just dont accuse pepole of doing things it makes for conflict. i saw it said your not smoking pot anymore also...dont know how much or use to smoke but you could be going thru withdrawls and its starting to affect the way you see things cuz you wound tighter then u use to be.

I actually believe her when she tells me that they are just mates. We even got to the point once where I was going to meet him and she was going to have him explain to me that they are just mates and nothing else. She claims he has a g/f but I dont know. I do believe her about the text boy and dont think there is anything going on other than mates. Its the picking her up at the end of the street and this Facebook boy that is really bothering me. If she flies off the handle when she is accused does that mean she is guilty or just sick of being blamed for something she didnt do? We are at a make of break point of the relationship now and I dont think she will put up with me asking her if she is cheating again, to be honest I am sick of asking her and feeling this way. I want to trust her so bad but I just cant handle the fact that if she is cheating she has been laughing behind my back this whole time.

[oldskool83]

people can sence if one does not trust them. we are like amimals. its called a chance you have to take if you want to be with her. id just stop looking at her stuff, disconect your PC and get out of the digital world. i beleive. as helpful as this techno stuff is its just as harmful if you let it be.

[devonbrown]

A few things stand out to me here.
1) How defensive and accusatory she gets when you say that you suspect her of cheating. That could very well be a deflection technique to make you think that you are way off base, but in reality you may be right. A lot of people do things like that when they get caught (in a lie, cheating, etc).
2) Her having you pick her up at the end of the street is more than a little sketchy to me. In fact, I can't think of a valid reason why she would want you to pick her up at the end of the street. Other than she didn't want the people she was with seeing you.
3) She threatens you with returning to her drug abusing behavior because she is bored? That does not sound stable to me.

Regardless of whether she is cheating or not, it doesn't sound like you trust her. And a relationship can not flourish without trust and open and honest communication. I think she is happy her child has you around, but I don't think she thinks it is going to work out either.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but it sounds like this relationship is on borrowed time now. It might be best to start preparing for the end of it.

Good luck.

[Unluckyforsome]

A few things stand out to me here.
1) How defensive and accusatory she gets when you say that you suspect her of cheating. That could very well be a deflection technique to make you think that you are way off base, but in reality you may be right. A lot of people do things like that when they get caught (in a lie, cheating, etc).
2) Her having you pick her up at the end of the street is more than a little sketchy to me. In fact, I can't think of a valid reason why she would want you to pick her up at the end of the street. Other than she didn't want the people she was with seeing you.
3) She threatens you with returning to her drug abusing behavior because she is bored? That does not sound stable to me.

Regardless of whether she is cheating or not, it doesn't sound like you trust her. And a relationship can not flourish without trust and open and honest communication. I think she is happy her child has you around, but I don't think she thinks it is going to work out either.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but it sounds like this relationship is on borrowed time now. It might be best to start preparing for the end of it.

Good luck.

Yeah I think your right there, cant see it lasting another week the way things are so I'l do my part to change and hope she is faithful and does the same. As long as I do my part and if she still isnt happy then it's down to her.