Unequal affection in relationship: walk or wait?

[PADude32]

Hi all,

So I really could use some advice on my current relationship, would greatly appreciate anyone who takes the time to read and respond.I've been with a girl for exactly four months now (we're both 23 in our first jobs), and there are a few troubling things. The main thing is an unequal amount of affection. I have always been an affectionate person, in past relationships and this one, constantly doing nice things, texting and calling with sweet things, thinking of gifts (not necessarily expensive), offering massages, etc. It's just in my nature to want to see her smile.

These things are often unreciprocated. She definitely appreciates most of it, and says thank you and things like you're the sweetest, etc, but I think I could count on one hand the number of times she has, unprovoked, texted me something nice, complimented me, offered to go the extra mile, etc, in the two months. These things were more frequent in the beginning, but not by much.

So it's obvious that things are one-sided. And like most of you suspect at this point, as I normally do, this is not a healthy relationship and she's not as interested. However, we have had conversations about this before, and much of our behavior has to do with our parents. I come from a very loving, supportive, intact family background so I naturally behave this way, while her parents were divorced and perhaps not as endearing or thoughtful toward her. They love her, but certainly express it less, and I think this is the kind of thing that just made her into a person who doesn't know how to express love like I do. I know she's not meeting my needs, but I think it's the wrong thing for me to walk away, because she is a good person, we get along really well a lot of the time, and I think deserve to be together. There is also definitely an element of me needing to cool off, spend more time thinking about myself and my work.

Another factor of this is that she has a history of moving through guys: 4-6 months, goes cold, and she's out of there. This almost happened to us, but I knew of her history and we basically had a very Freudian conversation in which she admitted that her parents divorce at 14 really hurt her, and that she has some of the classic difficulties to commit, low-self worth, and a tough time believing in love lasting long. She has said that she doesn't feel she "deserves" the love I give her.

I am 99 percent sure there are no other guys involved. Her behavior made me suspect this, so, unfortunately, I snooped around and there was nothing to be found. I truly believe that she just doesn't know how to act because she never has never seen a working, loving relationship. Or maybe our ideas of love are just different? But I can't imagine any loving relationship working with the absence of affection that she displays.

I don't want to walk away, I truly love her, but everyday I'm waiting for a "breakthrough" where she'll decide to accept love, and everyday that doesn't happen is painful to me.

[tremolo]

Your gf sounds a LOT like my ex who recently broke up with me. Our relationship was very one-sided in similar ways, with me going to most of the effort. I'd like to hear people's responses as well.

[devonbrown]

Or maybe our ideas of love are just different? But I can't imagine any loving relationship working with the absence of affection that she displays.

I don't want to walk away, I truly love her, but everyday I'm waiting for a "breakthrough" where she'll decide to accept love, and everyday that doesn't happen is painful to me.

Here's the thing - she doesn't have an issue. You do. Your idea of a loving relationship requires certain actions and words that she doesn't think it requires. Because of your expectations of this, you will not be happy with her. There will be no breakthrough. Because your definition of a breakthrough is for her to act more like you. If you can not love and accept her for who she is and how she is, then the relationship has virtually no chance.

You almost figure it out when you say maybe your ideas of love are different, but then you swing right back to your perspective. Try to look at things from her side. Perhaps her saying thanks and telling you you are sweet and even having deep Freudian conversations with you about her childhood are her ways of expressing her love.

Good luck.

[Wakeup]

Op has a duplicate thread going .. this is what I proposed in that thread:

You should get the book "The Five Love Languages" and BOTH of you read it.

You're loving her the way YOU want to be loved and you're expecting the same in return but it doesn't really work that way. We each have our own way of showing our love based on how we were shown love during our childhood. She may be showing you how much she loves you but you don't see it because you don't know what her love language is.

Get the book I think it will help with your feelings of not being appreciated as much as you appreciate. You guys seem to have the art of communication down nicely and I think you'd both enjoy reading it.

[PADude32]

Wakeup, sorry for the double post. This seems to be the more active forum, and I just realized I could delete the other one. I appreciate the book suggestion, and think it's very similar to what devonbrown said, in that perhaps the problem is that I'm not fully understanding the way she operates and expresses love.

She has said things in the past to the effect of "I hope that you know how much I care about you, because I have trouble expressing it." I'll certainly do my best to objectively look for ways that she shows she cares. She's a very stoic and experiential person (takes things as they come) and that definitely clashes with my high energy and contemplative personality. Regardless, I love her, and hopefully can learn how to truly accept and make these differences work.

[tremolo]

She's a very stoic and experiential person (takes things as they come) and that definitely clashes with my high energy and contemplative personality.

This sounds exactly like me and my ex.

While I appreciate what everyone is saying, and believe that's all absolutely right - how would a person distinguish, for instance, between a different love language and behavior that suggests a person is just not that into the relationship? I was never able to quite figure out - and I the OP is having the same problem - whether my ex was simply inept at expressing his love (either through words or demonstration) or whether I just wasn't 'doing it for him', so to speak. I'm not sure what he would have been doing that I would find in the love language book - which I've actually browsed through before. He seemed to think that because he cleared a space in his busy schedule every week for me, and paid for all of our activities (which were all centered around his interests) - and on the rare occasion took me out - that this was sufficient evidence of his love. But I felt like if he really loved me, he'd be trying to communicate more and making it obvious enough I wouldn't even question it.

[PADude32]

Tremolo,

I hear you, and right off the bat am attempting to go back and re-evaluate things through this new lens, and already run into the same issues you just expressed haha. I try to think of how she has expressed love in any of the five categories and struggle to do so. I suppose that she is a very independent person and so that wanting to spend a lot of time with me is her expression of interest. But having to come to this conclusion on my own and being grateful for her "allowing me to be in her presence and talking to me about some stuff" (my words) is hardly what I call loving. I suppose I do see how she is just a person who "knows" love instead of expresses love, and views the best kind of relationship as more like two friends than two lovebirds. However, as tremolo said, having to trust that someone who does very little for you is just a "quiet" lover and not about to leave your ass is a very difficult thing to do.

[DarkHelmet82]

some people like attention in order to feel loved.. Im like that.. some people dont.... um i forgot where I was going with this...

[tremolo]

Tremolo,

But having to come to this conclusion on my own and being grateful for her "allowing me to be in her presence and talking to me about some stuff" (my words) is hardly what I call loving. I suppose I do see how she is just a person who "knows" love instead of expresses love, and views the best kind of relationship as more like two friends than two lovebirds.

That's exactly how I felt. I kept wanting to grow and deepen the relationship, and he seemed fine to just continue as we were... which would have been ok, except that I never detected any real enthusiasm from him about us. It was like I was just this fixture in his life - someone who came to see him every weekend, and someone he called every night... but I needed more than that. Particularly since he never wanted to talk about anything important or personal. I think he probably did really love me, but I guess I needed to know that our ideas of love were the same.

OP, I hope you can figure out what you want to do about your relationship - whether to continue it or end it. Situations like this are so hard. Breaking up seems so unnecessary and unfortunate when you're both in love... but when you're the person who's unfulfilled, it's equally hard to stay in that relationship.

[DarkHelmet82]

why not just say something?

[Wakeup]

whether my ex was simply inept at expressing his love (either through words or demonstration)

Tremelo: Men who are inept in expressing themselves will certainly show you in actions that they value you. If they're just saying it, but not showing it then it's not true. If they're just showing you but, not saying it then it's more than likely that it's love or if not love yet, you are at least being valued. Love is an action word, a verb. It's not a feeling but when loved we feel things like contentment and happiness. Not angst and confusion.

You should get the book too. I think its a helpful book for people in a relationship or single at the moment because reading it is an education in itself.

I appreciate the book suggestion, and think it's very similar to what devonbrown said, in that perhaps the problem is that I'm not fully understanding the way she operates and expresses love.

Truly make an effort to get and read it together. There is a questionaire in the book the will pin point both of your love languages and you can go from there.

[girl68]

Being in love isn't the same as being compatible with the person you do love. I'll agree with Devon on this. She isn't going to change, this IS how she loves... she's not the affectionate, do-little-thing-just-'cause kind of person. It's on you to either accept that and realize that she loves you in her own way, or you move on. Frankly though I'm on the you should break up side.

I don't think you will ever persuade yourself into thinking the way she loves you is enough to fill your "love tank" and I don't think she'll ever be able to meet your needs in that department. Just because she's a great girl doesn't mean she's the best partner for you.

I broke up with a man just like you gf simply because he wasn't meeting my emotional needs. And he was the nicest, most caring guy ever.

[Wakeup]

I don't think you will ever persuade yourself into thinking the way she loves you is enough to fill your "love tank" and I don't think she'll ever be able to meet your needs in that department. Just because she's a great girl doesn't mean she's the best partner for you.

Once he can identify how she shows her love he will be satisfied because he will be aware.

Right now hes unaware and therefore is unable to feel fulfilled. Once she knows his love language she will also be aware and will, if she values him make an effort to show him in the way he likes. It's about compromise and understanding and I think that breaking up at this point before they are both educated would be unfair to both of them when they are basically valuing and appreciating and not afraid to being vulnerable to each other. Those are all good sold relationship tools they have going for them.

Four months isn't all that long in the scheme of things either so the possiblity exists that OP is a bit ahead in the "I've fallen" category. Time will tell but my vote is to educate and see what happens.

[girl68]

Once he can identify how she shows her love he will be satisfied because he will be aware.

That is simply not true. Just because you can recognize how someone professes love does not mean one is satisfied now. Just because my ex was like "I love you because after 4 years I'm still here" Yeah, well that's nice but that still ain't good enough. Just because I was able to identify how he loved me, doesn't mean I was ready to accept that as be all end all. Far from it.

[Wakeup]

You're projecting your own experience onto the op. At this point Op does not want to leave this girl and is looking for a way to make it work. My suggestion is the book. If after reading it (have you read it girl68?) things don't improve or he sees no effort or he can't adjust his expectations, then would be the time, for him to reconsider staying in a relationship that he doesn't find fulfilling.

* I'm usually the first one to tell an Op to leave a hopeless situation but this is not totally hopeless. It may just be an adjustment of expectations and education of each others love language.

JMO