Unequal affection in relationship: walk or wait?

[girl68]

I have read it. I was disagreeing with the point I quoted. I agree you can read the book, and it is a good book. I disagree it will make any difference in THIS particular relationship. I think that the fundamentals of their personalities are too different to even reach a middle ground.

I think that even IF she reads it... she may for a short period attempt to love him the way he wants to be loved in due short time though she will resort back to the way she feels most comfortable loving and that will not be enough to forever satisfy the OP.

[PADude32]

Girl68, I get what your saying, but I think people are often way too quick to throw in the towel because part of a relationship isn't working (gotta love those divorce rates).

A lot of people, and I think modern society places so much emphasis on the individual, are very self-aware and if things aren't exactly catering to their needs, well so long because I deserve better. While this is true and good in some cases, it isn't always the answer. You will never find someone who exactly matches, and the key is to remain dedicated and live and learn through things.

I'm young, but have been in relationships with good people and bad people, and this is a good one. I've walked away from a good one before because of what I perceived to be compatibility issues, and spent the next few years meeting people I TRULY did not belong with and thinking about how I wish I would have had the perspective to work through things with the good one. We may have some differences in expression that lead to some insecurity and unhappiness on my part, but it's a good person who loves me, and I'd much rather try to work on things instead of using words like "never" and walking out. I appreciate your advice though.

[DarkHelmet82]

if you want a book check out "the four agreements." or "the mastery of love."

[Wakeup]

I disagree it will make any difference in THIS particular relationship. I think that the fundamentals of their personalities are too different to even reach a middle ground.

That is where I'm thinking you are projecting your own relationship onto his. It's not just about her changing to adjust to his way but him as well learning to expect less of what he thinks he needs.

PAdude... I think you have a good optimistic view. Just make sure after your attempts, to know when to walk away if things can't be mutually agreed and compromised on.

Best of luck.

[maxmax]

I am struggling knowing whether to get involved any further with someone who has admitted that they aren't very emotional, openly that is, or necessarily affectionate ... and that has said this has been a problem in past relationships.

Always willing to give things a go, especailly when I am keen on someone ... but the fact that they haven't replied to my texts over the past three days isn't helping.

[Wakeup]

I am struggling knowing whether to get involved any further with someone who has admitted that they aren't very emotional, openly that is, or necessarily affectionate ... and that has said this has been a problem in past relationships.

Always willing to give things a go, especailly when I am keen on someone ... but the fact that they haven't replied to my texts over the past three days isn't helping.

Not being affectionate and not being available are two different things. Not being emotionally open and having an impenetrable brick wall are two different things. She sounds like she might be running away. In your instance, i'd say don't get emotionally involved with her until she at the very least shows you she's invested in wanting something futher with you.

[Horseyguy]

That's exactly how I felt. I kept wanting to grow and deepen the relationship, and he seemed fine to just continue as we were... which would have been ok, except that I never detected any real enthusiasm from him about us. It was like I was just this fixture in his life - someone who came to see him every weekend, and someone he called every night... but I needed more than that. Particularly since he never wanted to talk about anything important or personal. I think he probably did really love me, but I guess I needed to know that our ideas of love were the same.

OP, I hope you can figure out what you want to do about your relationship - whether to continue it or end it. Situations like this are so hard. Breaking up seems so unnecessary and unfortunate when you're both in love... but when you're the person who's unfulfilled, it's equally hard to stay in that relationship.

Spot on!!

That's the difference for me it was never about the fact that I felt my ex didn't feel the same was about me as I did her, or that I felt that she didn't show it. I do believe she did love me and that our interpretation of love was different. But I had the same thing, she never really made me feel special, couldn't communicate, never went the extra mile, didn't do any small gestures or lovey dovey stuff but I accepted that was how she was and loved her for the way she was ...

BUT!!!! and this is something that Tremelo touches on, the issue I had is there was no growth. I didn't feel she wanted to grow the relationship, she had issues that she wasn't trying to sort out so wasn't even trying to grow as a person.

I could handle incompatabilty between how two people interpret their love for one another if at the end of the day they are both trying to grow and deepen that love and the relationship as a whole and I just couldn't see the growth, it wasn't there and ultimately the proof was in the pudding when she started looking elsewhere rather than trying to grow what we had.

[Wakeup]

I didn't feel she wanted to grow the relationship,

Welll then to me, that would be my cue to exit stage left. If you are the only one putting in effort then what is the point in sticking around. Other than being too afraid to be alone (sad) there is no reason to stay in a relationship that isn't fulfulling. People leave people every day that they still love. To stay and enable them to be alcoholics, drug abusers, physical/emotional/mental abusers, neglectful and unloving just makes no sense to me.

[Cerby]

I have a similar experience, my ex and I dated for 4 months and experienced a lot of this, I'm an outwardly affectionate guy, and she was a fiercly independant, introverted girl. I don't want to project any of my negative experiences onto you, but she did end up leaving as soon as I asked for a little bit of forward movement in the relationship. 2 weeks out and even though I feel for her, it was the right decision. We weren't looking for the same things and I realize that now. I wasn't happy with things, and neither was she.

So this is my experience. I also learned that if I wanted to save the relationship before it cracked, I needed to be more receptive of her style of relationship, not push her or question her, and not force my relationship ideals onto her. In a perfect relationship, I wouldn't need to do any of that because my partner would be the same, or similar to the way I was. I simply wasn't willing to make this level of compromise, I would be losing my happiness in order to save hers.

Just some food for thought.

[Horseyguy]

Welll then to me, that would be my cue to exit stage left. If you are the only one putting in effort then what is the point in sticking around. Other than being too afraid to be alone (sad) there is no reason to stay in a relationship that isn't fulfulling. People leave people every day that they still love. To stay and enable them to be alcoholics, drug abusers, physical/emotional/mental abusers, neglectful and unloving just makes no sense to me.

Well yeah, that's what I ended up doing because you're right it makes no sense.

Still love her, probably always will because I do really like her as a person but she just wasn't right for me and I knew if I stayed it would be for all the wrong reasons