Any idea what she's doing?

[ryantee1981]

Long story short, there's someone that I liked and at least at some points in time it was obvious that we had some mutual interest. She has been dating someone else and living with him for a while now under questionable circumstances...basically he's wealthy and owns a house whom she was renting from him right after college graduation then they started to date each other after she became financially reliant on him. Personally I think the situation is kind of bad so I've been trying to get her out of it by giving her job referrals and such, and she seemed appreciative of it at least in the beginning. But after a year or so things doesn't seemed to have progressed much so I'm ready to call it quits and move on.

But she did something odd recently that I can't really put my head around...Basically this whole time she was seeing the guy she made virtually no mention of him anywhere, even on facebook, even as I was throwing hints of interest at her prior to that. But recently I casually mentioned that I was going to join the dating scene again and her profile picture suddenly changed to one between her and the guy. Why now, is the thing, since the fact that they've been going out together was already known for a long time? Can I just assume it's a "hands-off" gesture and get on with my life, or is there anything else going on?

Unfortunately I need to be careful about how I talk to her from now on because we work with each other fairly closely on a professional level and no-contact is not a possibility. I still have feelings for her but I understand that the best thing to do right now is probably to distance myself from this as much as possible without hurting our professional relationship. Am I doing the right thing? Any advice on how to go about it?

[HeartIsAching]

There's an old proverb:

You don't shit where you eat.

Dating people at work is bad juju.

[OmnicronPercei8]

Prior to becoming really good friends with an ex-coworker, I initiated contact with her because I was attracted to her. I always kind of felt that at first she was also attracted to me but I think she just had one of those personalities that guys mistake for a possible romantic chemistry. She was married and at first she didn't talk about her husband and would start playing with her ring when I would flirt with her. I had seen or heard someone say at one time that women who play with their wedding rings that they would be likely to cheat. I don't believe that for a second, but after I thought about it a little more, I realized that if she was trying to say anything at all, she was probably trying to give me a subtle hint that she was indeed married.

I think if anything this woman may just be providing you with a subtle hint that she is involved with another relationship and she wants to remain friends with you without pointing that out to you directly. If you value your friendship with her you'll respect the relationship she is in until she finishes it.

[MerryH]

Don't give the Facebook thing a second thought. It probably had nothing to do with you, and even if it did, if someone can't be honest and forthcoming and has to use a profile picture as a way to get a message through to you, then you shouldn't bother with it at all.

Follow through with your plans to call it quits and move on.

[justcheckin]

facebook is the first thing you should not get on when trying to evaluate a situation. all it does is bring up "what ifs" that you will never know the answer to. Stay off facebook for a week and just take the high road. YOu will be surprised what that does some times.

[ryantee1981]

I know I need to distance myself from her -- that much is decided at this point. I just could use some advice on how to go about doing this, because I need to maintain a good working relationship while removing the personal aspects between us. There's a side of me that's hoping one day that maybe there might be another chance, but for the moment I need to kill that thought and focus on the group.

I don't just work with her, but I'm actually running the organization that we're in. It didn't start off this way, but over time the group got more serious and I ended up becoming the one doing all the administrative work and this structure is likely to become finalized very soon. She's somewhat younger and her work experience is fairly limited so I need to be the one setting the example.

It was a lot easier when we were just doing things for fun, but guess that phase of our lives is over now. Kind of sucks. :/

[justcheckin]

just be yourself. Make jokes, do whatever you do, jsut dont make it awkward. Dont mention anything, pretend like nothing happend. If you guys can truly work togeather it will eventually get less awkward.

[OmnicronPercei8]

OP you said it was "obvious" that you shared interest but never stated if you had any personal history outside of work. I was assuming that you may have read too much into something that was never truly there to begin with. If you have feelings for someone who was returning those feelings while she was with someone else then you just need to ride out the storm until better timing presents itself. View her as nothing but a friend for now and if she ever becomes available then you'll have your shot.

[ryantee1981]

Yes there was some personal history -- she knows I'm interested in her and I told her explicitly when she was technically single, but said that I would not compete with someone she's living with. This was over a year ago and there were signs that at least at first she was doing things to get herself out of her financial dependency which kept my interest going.

Lately though, I've been sensing that maybe it's going to take longer than I have the time for, so I need to cut my losses and move on. I would like to tell her explicitly that I think her situation is ****ed up but that seems like a recipe for disaster too, at this point.

Is cold professionalism the answer? I need something that will actually help the situation improve -- if not, at least way to keep myself clear from her situation while still maintaining contact.

[lahnnabell]

Keep it professional. However, your ability to be professional is quite questionable due to your overt and extreme interpretations of the actions people take on FB.

[ryantee1981]

In professional situations I've done fine (I've always done well at the jobs I've had), but this is basically a personal project which is now turning into a business so it's going to be harder to separate the two. In some ways I kind of wish the project didn't turn out this way, but it's kind of too late now since the ball is already rolling.

Well I guess I already knew what has to be done, but I just needed to hear it from others.