my bf was a 30 year old virgin. no sex drive?

[hucklebee]

I'm 34. I've been with a handful of guys and I've been married and divorced. I met and fell in love with a guy. He seriously is the one. I have no doubts we will marry. We've been together for a year and I've never felt with anyone like I do with him. He is such an absolute sweetheart with a great sense of humor. A perfect gentlemen and great conversationalist.

We were dating for a bit before anything happened. He would barely hold my hand and he asked my permission to kiss me good night. I thought it was just because he was a gentleman. It was a few months ago that his friend revealed to me that he was a virgin when we met. He had never even kissed a girl. No childhood gfs, no prom dates, nothing! I asked my bf who admitted it. He said he had accepted the fact that he would be alone for the rest of his life before he met me.

Is it because he lacks confidence or because I've been with others that he doesn't seem to want to have sex? Once in a while and only in the morning. I prefer night but he always says he is tired. He giggles when I try to touch him. He has a hard time keeping an erection. I can't figure out what to do. And forget talking. This is the one thing we can't talk about. He says he doesn't like to.

Thanks for any ideas. I want to figure this out because this guy is seriously the man I've been looking for all these years. But a guy who doesn't seem to like sex? Impossible!

[Graham Berkeley]

Frankly... Joking aside... Have you asked him if he was gay?

Many gay men, especially if he happens to come from a conservative background where he was instructed to be OVERLY gentlemanly, feel the duty to still marry a woman.

I would strongly recommend bringing this up with him before you tie the knot. I have a gay friend who didn't completely know/ accept he was gay and not only was married too a woman for 6 years but also had 2 kids with her.

[hucklebee]

Oh I am very sure he is not gay. I've had several close friends who were and this guy is not. I think he had some serious confidence issues when he was younger that kept him from talking to many girls. I think he had acne problems. And he was kind of a nerdy guy from from a really small farm town. When we have sex in the morning, he does get into it. He just doesn't seem to have much of a drive in general. I was this way myself years ago. But I was in a few bad relationships when I felt as if I was asexual. I didn't want to be touched. I can see that lack of drive in him.. but he's not in an abusive relationship so I'm not sure what's going on.

[Bonfire]

Thanks for any ideas. I want to figure this out because this guy is seriously the man I've been looking for all these years. But a guy who doesn't seem to like sex? Impossible!

No, it is possible. In fact, a very small percentage of the population is like this. The term is call asexual. He could be one. Asexual are people who are not interested in sex. He lacks a sex drive. He is with you because he enjoys the emotional connection. You can read about it in the link below. There are some famous people who are asexual.

[url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality]Asexuality - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/url]

I know it seems odd to us that they exist. But it's true. I know someone like that personally and that's how I come to find out about it. I think it's remarkable.

[hucklebee]

I myself thought I was asexual for almost 8 years. I had virtually no sex drive. I also had low self esteem and depression, though mild. I went to a natural doctor who told me I suffered from some food allergies, mainly wheat and sugar. After a year on a cleansing diet, I came out of it with improved self esteem, my depression was gone and I had sexual desire. The doctor told me that my allergies where messing with my hormones and I believe he was right. Its been 3 years and I'm still fine.

But my bf doesn't seem to have any self esteem or depression issues. I was really hoping his reactions to sex were just from inexperience. He enjoys bjs but won't go down on me. He also won't really touch me and sex must always be in the spoon position. Maybe he is asexual. If so, I hope its a temporary thing like it was in my case.

[Cinnabella]

Ask him man, all of these guessing are still guessing you know?

[hucklebee]

I've tried talking to him so much. He says he doesn't like talking about it. Then he just shuts up completely. I even tried writing a note and asking him to write back. Seems highschool, but that way at least he wouldn't feel like he was "talking." But he wouldn't write one back! He totally clams up when it comes to sex.

I guess I'm going to have to sit him down and tell him exactly how I feel. That this is something we must talk about. He feels the same way about me, marriage and the like.. if he is made to realize how crucial this conversation is to our long term relationship, maybe he will open up.

He doesn't even watch porn.. knows nothing about female genitalia and I even doubt he masterbates, lol.

Thanks for the input and ill give "the talk" a whirl.

[UnknownXV]

Well, some people have low libido's. It's not something they fake, it's an actual physical problem. Although some people don't consider it a problem.

Sex is important to most people, but honestly at least for me, I'd trade sex in if it meant getting a girl I know I'll love forever. It just depends on how important it is to you, and that's not something I can know.

Personally, as a society, I think sex plays too big a role; but that's just my opinion.

[ctr916]

You may want to ask him if he is willing to practice more foreplay without sex.