How do I help?

[MaidenMinx]

I have a wonderful best friend who has horrible luck with relationships. She is going through a long drawn out break up and is understandably depressed. This is her 4th break up in 8 years.

I'm really scared for her. She would like to end her life and keeps talking about it. Not how she's going to do it, but the fact that she thinks it's unfair that it's illegal and that if you believe your life to be well and truly crap you should be able to take your own life. I completely and utterly disagree and actually end up angry with her every time she talks to me like this. I can't help but tell her how selfish it is and how much I would hate her for ever if she took the cowards way out. I am a strong believer in the idea that you can choose how you feel and while it's not easy, once you get the hang of it it gets easier. I want to see her try. She tells me how unfair it is that the best reason that people can give her to not end her life is that it would make other people sad. That's when I desperately try to impress upon her that suicide doesn't just make people sad, it devastates them. I try to tell her how lucky she is to have so much family that loves her, how lucky she is that she's got a great job, she says she doesn't care. She simply doesn't care.

How do I help her realise that heartbreak isn't the end of the world, it just feels like it? I have been really tempted to call her bluff and ask her how she'd do it, and all but give her permission. Sometimes I feel like that's exactly what she's asking for though.

[DannyH]

Really should get her some professional help.
But I'll give you something put it in another perspective. What can't she do when she is dead? I mean its true everybody says that its painful for everybody else its overused and doesn't work because they really don't care. Take the things that they do love in life and point that stuff out. What they will miss out on if they die. I mean if suicide is a selfish act then work with that selfishness. People forget that little tidbit. Really get her help though because you can have the most amazing persuasion skills on the face of the planet there could still always be an underlying problem.

I'll add more. It's all about changing what she wants. It's not about what you want or what anybody else wants its what she wants. You need pure altruism. Her emotional well is empty so you need to be pretty much be selfless to help her fill it up. Positive manipulating if you well. If you get angry that shows to her that your not getting what you want. Which is bad. Since it should be all about her. Change the focus from her wanting to die to her wanting something else.

Remember its about her not about you <----------- is the main thing and do get her some professional help.

[MaidenMinx]

Thanks for your reply Danny.

We had a big chat this morning and both ended up in tears and 2 new things came to the surface. Yes she does feel suicidal, and that makes me sad though that's only half the problem. The other half of the problem that her and I have is she does not see anything wrong at all with suicide. I have never encountered this before in any one else. Every one else I know has said "I would kill myself but..." and those buts vary. She doesn't have a but, and so far nothing, not even her love of horses brings about the 'but' consideration. Selfishly, this scares the crap out of me and selfishly, I don't want to lose her. She's pretty much my only real world friend, definitely my only real world female friend. And I will admit my fear impedes my ability to be the friend she needs me to be.

As for helping her fill her emotional well... well I can only do so much, being only one person and having constant demands on my selflessness as it is, and I'm the first to admit I'm selfish. I had to learn to be.

She was in therapy for a while but her therapist retired and she says she hasn't the energy to go through all the opening up again. As someone who has seen many therapists I can't help but consider that a cop out. Then again that's my immature theory of mind playing up again. I have to stop believing that just because I can do something EVERY one can.

I've had to learn how to be a friend and I actually find friendships as draining (yet potentially fulfilling) as all other relationships. I've learnt how to be a good partner, I find it a lot harder to be a good friend though. I wish there were some magic words I could say to take away her heart ache. Seeing her so sad makes me sad too.

[DannyH]

I've had to learn how to be a friend and I actually find friendships as draining (yet potentially fulfilling) as all other relationships. I've learnt how to be a good partner, I find it a lot harder to be a good friend though. I wish there were some magic words I could say to take away her heart ache. Seeing her so sad makes me sad too.

Yeah its a very hard and tricky situation. Oh there is nothing wrong with being selfish. People need to be. Otherwise they can end up exactly like your friend. They gave too much of themselves and now they can't get it back. I dealt with a friend that had this situation a long time ago. Same thing he didn't believe that suicide was wrong and that he nothing to live for he didn't have any buts when I first talking to him about it but I ended up pulling them out after a long period of time. It took awhile but talking with me he found himself feeling better. I got him some in to some therapy. It was easier to get him there and open up to the doctor since I went to her beforehand. Brought him there myself first time I went in with him. It was the most draining experience of my life. Here is the kick in the balls though. Since we were young in high school I had a chance to you know better myself so I had left him behind. He lost the little emotional support that he had and ended up falling back in to that same pit when I left. Didn't have a happy ending.

Your outlook on friends as a relationship is pretty much the same as mine and it can be extremely hard sometimes but most of the time it ends up worth it.