Right or Wrong - Help me Decide

[Giggidy]

Hi All.

I'll try and make this quick and easy.

My girlfriend and I, both in our 40's, lived together for a year. I'm a Brit, she's from the US. Due to immigration processing issues, we will be apart for 9-18 months.

We both said we love each other and want to make it work despite being apart for such a long period.

I later discover, not through her telling me, that she is (accidentally) meeting up with another guy at her favorite bar and has an active dating site profile from which she has sent winks and emails to other guys. I guess it could have been more but I sniffed it out early, set up a dummy profile and she actually winked at my fake profile too Then I confronted her.

Anyway, before I discovered these things, I said that the most important thing was honesty in our relationship and that as long as she tells me what's happening, even if I won't like it, it will be fine. I also said that if she feels the distance and time is too much, we can take a break and she can go date. There was no need to hide anything.

Obviously, she did not tell me about seeing anyone else and even now maintains that the winks etc were never going to be anything and she would not have followed anything up.

So the questions are:

Was it right or wrong to put up a profile and start 'winking' at other guys local to her?

Is it likely that had one of them responded that she would have done nothing?

Was it right or wrong for her to deceive me and do it behind my back?

Should I trust her anymore?

Thanks for any input and opinions you have.

[HeartIsAching]

You didn't "accidentally" find out - you were snooping.

It does look as though you were justified in your snooping.

She is wrong to have done that, and no, you should not trust her anymore.

[Giggidy]

The 'accidental' part was my buddy seeing her all over this guy and then emailing me. I was not snooping. I did start though when she gave me a different story about where and whom she was with that night.

In addition, after I asked her about the guy and she finally admitted she lied, she said that he just happened to be there on his own by accident and despite them swapping emails, texts etc since she met him, she had never invited him to meet her there. I will never know for sure what happened but it does seem arranged.

If she had told me up front, I wouldn't have liked it but at least I could have trusted her more.

After that, yes I started doubting and asking more questions and eventually created a profile.

[ctr916]

It could be a "cultural" form of cognitive dissonance with women in the US. Yes, I know us US guys lie too. It could be "ingrained" as a form of "reverse psychology" that seems to require forms of hypocrisy from the People who have a McCarthy era phrase (under God), in their pledge of allegiance to their own republic. It is annoying to any true witness bearers, but it does exist and, in my case, simply need to "get used to it". Once you factor for that, it is usually much easier to deal with.

Disclaimer: this view is my own and has no scientific study or review.

It could help to not be the jealous type. That is why I have the opinion that guys can never have too many (girl) friends (with benefits.)

[Giggidy]

If I was the jealous type, this relationship would not have lasted a month lol. Guy's especially black guys for some reason, hit on her all the time. It certainly doesn't hurt me to think that other guys find her attractive and want her. Their loss my gain

What I need to know in a relationship is that the feelings run both ways. I'm in my forties and have no intention of 'faking' a relationship. If it's not working for both sides, break up and move on. That's a lot less hurtful than betrayal.

The statement 'I love you and only want to be with you' seems to me a contradiction to behavior such as creating a secret dating profile, arranging dates with other guys and not telling me about it. She has an appalling memory and it was her own contradictions that let me know she was lying.

So what surprised and concerned me was, having been caught, she got angry, as everyone does, then she apologized and then shortly after that said 'Well you have issue with it all, it's nothing really'. So that suggests she's only sorry she got caught and may feel she should continue but be more careful. Hence I'm trying to work out whether to give her another shot at regaining my trust.

[Cerby]

I think the last post was supposed to be a new thread. ..

[Horseyguy]

My ex did the same thing too. Set up a secret profile ans when I sprang her she said the same thing, she wouldn't have acted on it and if she was serious about it she would have dumped me and set up dates.

We were going through an uncertain time at that point, it was shortly after we got back together after we broke up the first time. Looking back I can see why she did it, doesn't make it right though and yeah I'd be having trust issues.

[Giggidy]

Thanks Horse.

I'm sorry you had that type of experience.

The general feeling seems to be that it was wrong and that it's not surprising to have doubts.

If there are any women who have an opinion I'd appreciate it as most guys like myself are not to good on seeing anything but black and white. A female perspective would be appreciated.

Thanks.

[devonbrown]

Basically, if she is playing games, it isn't going to work. If she is actively trying to find someone else to date, it isn't going to work. If you don't trust her, it isn't going to work.

I can't really see a scenario where it is going to work... sorry.

Distance doesn't create problems, but it does magnify them. It sounds like the problems you guys have right now are just getting bigger with the distance magnification.

Good luck.

[therealdeal]

It does not sound like you need anyone’s advice. It sounds like what you’re seeking from us is validation to proceed down a path that, deep down, you already know you want to travel.

The bottom line is this: At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself if you feel this person is worth all the risks that are involved in trying to re-establish a trusting relationship?

We can debate the rights/wrongs of you setting up false profiles and her deceiving you behind your back. Again, I think if you are asking, you already know the answers to both.

You can speculate all you want about whether or not she would’ve pursued things further if another man responded to her, but I don’t think that is the point. The question you should be asking yourself is if you could deal with it if she had.

It does not sound like she is committed to the relationship to the same level you are. Or perhaps she has a different expectation of “commitment.” If that is the case, it compounds your issues as you will have to ask yourself if you will be okay if she continues to do what she is doing while she is with you, but does so openly rather than behind your back. Which brings me to honesty....

I think your approach about honesty in a relationship is great. However, honesty always looks better on paper. In reality, when faced with honesty, the good, the bad and the ugly, people can’t handle it. I point that out, because if you truly want her honesty, you also have to be TRULY honest with yourself about what you feel you can and cannot handle when and if she is honest with you.

You say that as long as she’s honest with you, while you may not like it, all will be fine. Is that to say that if you express that your wish is for her to cancel her online dating account, but she does not and is honest with you about it, that you will continue to date her? I just say proceed with caution when you throw out the disclaimer about honesty. Sometimes we cannot handle what we think we want.... especially when it comes to honesty.

With that being said, it is not up to me to say whether or not you should give this relationship another try. I am not in it. What I can say is this:

As another person wrote, long distance relationships do not cause problems. But distance can definitely exacerbate problems that are already there.

HONEST and OPEN communication is key to any relationship.... with each other but equally as much as with yourself.

Rebuilding trust is one of the hardest things in a relationship to bounce back ... when you live under the same roof ... let alone different countries.

I am not saying your relationship is beyond repair. However, you certainly have some challenges and you’ll have to decide how far you are both willing to go to make it work. If your levels of dedication are not the same, most likely you two will part ways.

Feel free to write back if you wish.... Good luck.

~ The Real Deal

[IndiReloaded]

What you are asking is does she love you and is she trustworthy. The answer to both is a solid NO. Next.

[Giggidy]

All your advice was helpful and made a lot of sense.

In the end, I said to her that this had to be a two way street and if she was not of the same mind and heart, it was only fair to herself as well as me, to break it off.

Her response was to say that she had been feeling insecure, that her friends had suggested that I was probably playing around (nice friends) and that she should set up the profile and look around 'in case'. She said that she had since removed it. She has also booked two weeks off work and is flying out to stay with me.

As she has taken it down, booked time off work, made sure her daughter can be cared for and will be flying out here I have decided to cautiously see what happens.

The question in my mind as seems to be the case for all those who responded, is how strong are her feelings and what level of commitment is she willing to give.

Thank you all for the advice and opinions, I will keep you posted.