Ever known what you should do, but still second guessed yourself?

[Mcmg]

I just started posting on here last week in an attempt to get advice from others about my being insecure.
I'm here tonight with so much on my mind in regards to the relationship I am currently in. I know most everyone who reads this post will feel like this is a cut and dry situation or think that I am fool for having stayed this long. But, I ask as you read this to please understand that I am actually not a dumb person, but a woman who loves someone and cares about them, but ever more so has a child by him and that's where the big dilema comes in.
so........
A little over 2 years ago I met a guy. The first date we hit it off, and while only at this time really being able to judge by his appearance I thought he was kind of nerdy and would potentially be a good person to have around my daughter and I. Anyhow, over the next few months we spent a lot of time together and within 5 months in I was pregnant. I ended up having our daughter at 24 weeks pregnant so before we ever knew each other for one year we had a baby together.
Throughout the pregnancy he displayed some very odd behavior. Picking fights in order to leave, mood swings, so forth however I never in a million years thought this guy had a drug problem. As time went on, I started piecing things together and learned that he was using prescription pills. I did not know to what degree. I started checking in on things and paying closer attention to them. I started catching him in lies about where he was going and finally figured out that he was going to get them. Also money was going like crazy and I pieced it all together.
The last few months have been horrible. He has gotten so bad that I don't know what to do. His family put him in a rehab last month and begged me to not let him go back. He stayed 4 days and ended up coming back here. His family now will not talk to either of us.
I am so sad, alone, confused, confused, sad, alone, I love him, I don't look at him the same. He lies constantly about it, and blames everything on my being an insecure person. He acts like an idiot in front of the kids and our friends because he has no idea what he is doing. And then boom he will hit me with this "I'm ready to change" and will be different for a few days. Just about long enough for me to feel guilty for being so angry with him.
I am such a sensitive,c aring person, qualities that I know are good, but right now I wish I were not like that. I wish I could tell him to **** or get off the pot. I'm 33 and I feel like I have the weight of everything on me and I just want to be able to BREATHE, relex without worrying about him for one minute.
I don't know what I'm looking for in posting this, maybe just need to vent tonight as I sit on the couch while he's asleep all day on a Friday.
Thanks everyone

[JadenMia]

I see you replied to my question saying you were in the same boat as I. Its funny, i also have a daughter, and i am also pretty insecure. My boyfriend is also a drug addict, oxy's and perks are his favourite! On top of that, he smokes weed allll day long. Something i have realised, is that they dont really have a grip on reality. Dont see things for what they really are, and are pretty f*cking selfish to say the least. We also got pregnant really early on in our relationship. He told me if i kept the baby, we would never work. We ended up terminating the pregnancy. Something i never believed in, but was too afraid to do otherwise. Now, i see it was the best decision i could have made, even if i am still heartbroken and pray for my unborn baby.

I have come to realise, everything they do or say, we believe them. Its not fair really, why should we be led to believe things that a crazy person is talking about? When i tell my friends incidents of what has happend, they look at me in complete shock, they cannot believe i have stayed with him. I bet thats the case with you too right?

Its a horrible situation to be in, even worse in your case that you have a child with him now. But seriously, we dont deserve to be treated the way we are being. Its a sad and lonely world to be in, when the people you love are the ones that turn against you, when they are supposed to be the ones you can lean on for support. I dont have too much advice for you, only words to let you know you are not alone in this situation and i am sure there are plenty of women in the same situation.
I am going to stop all contact tomorrow, change my number, get his blocked.
I am terrified, it is not going to be easy. I dread the loneliness i will feel, how hurt i feel when i cant hear his voice and have him hold me. But i am going to come back here and read over everything anyone has ever told me, to see that i am not crazy, that i do not deserve this and his bad times out weigh his good times by a million.
I hope you find the courage to do the same. Good luck and all the best x

[Mcmg]

It feels as if it should be so cut and dry. I do not have a problem with acknowledging the obvious. What I do have a problem with is feeling sorry for him. But then I ask myself why do I? He has never felt sorry or felt remorse for the lies, the deceit, or altogether ignoring the fact.
I don't know how old you are, but I am 33 and really I am just ready to move on with my life. To be able to go through my day without having to worry about if he is getting high or lying to me. It is a horrible feeling.
The love part of it has gone away. The is no warmth or embrace between us. And to be honest that is fine because I do not want to have that with someone who is always lying or messed up. It is unattractive and it makes me sick.
What I do want is for my daughter to have a dad who is well enough to be that for her. I know right now that he is not in any condition to take care of her and it's tiring.
I wish there were a way to magically make all of this better. I don't know about you, but I believe in God.
Last night I prayed and surrendered all of this to Him because I know there isn't anything I can do to change him. Now, the only thing you, me, or anyone else in this situation can do is move forward and appreciate what we have in life.
I wonder how we can have all of the answers to everyone's else's problems but none for our own?

[howiej52]

First sit down and decide what kind of a relationship you want. Surfing the internet is a good way to find ideas and information on all aspects of relationships. Set out and make a wants' and needs list. Everyone should do that, don’t jump in blind or all hell could break loose. Do you want someone to control you? Some like that but usually that is a no answer. Start out slow and find what makes you happy. Don’t be shy! Wow when we were teens if we knew then what we know now life would be a lot more fun. [that is what dreams are made of ].Think about it. The main problem was being shy. Remember who was getting all the dates, If you are still shy get over it fast. Go talk to people you are interested in. Go get what you want in a relationship. Life is to short to hold back! Go to a shopping mall, find someone you want to know and go up to them and compliment them on something. Get the conversation started and see where it go’s, Don’t be afraid of rejection, it happens to everyone. That's just part of life. You don’t get relationships unless you go for it.