What should I do?

**geekygirl** · 11-07-11, 02:18 AM

My boyfriend and I have a pretty good thing going (or so I thought). When we met, he didn't have plans for grad school which is why marriage seemed to be the next obvious thing. However, now he's decided that he wants to go to grad school....he sees he was inspired by me since I'm pretty much obsessed with going to grad school. I'm very happy for him and we're studying for the GMAT and GRE together. The problem is that he suddenly said that he can't commit to me for the time being. I guess I understand but what worries me is that he's going to an evening program which is 3 years long so I'm wondering what's going to happen for the next three years? Do we just stay friends? On one hand, he says he can't commit but on the other hand, he said he doesn't want to break up either. I feel like he's keeping me around as a back-up plan or something. I don't know what to do.......sometimes I want to break up but sometimes I feel like I should just wait and let time take care of things. Any advice/comments?

**TheTooya** · 11-07-11, 02:27 AM

... Sounds like a back-up plan to me... :/

I would break things off now if he sees his priorities will bring you apart (are you talking about dealing with long distance?)

**Wakeup** · 11-07-11, 03:48 AM

I feel like he's keeping me around as a back-up plan or something.

You would feel that way because you are.

I suggest you break up outright and you both explore freely rather than be stuck hoping while you screw one another and others.

Either that or you have a conversation with him about exactly why he wants to keep you around while not being committed so that you know without a doubt where you stand and what his intentions are. Only he can tell you and hopefully he won't lie to you. If he lies, his actions will suss that out soon enough.

**HeartIsAching** · 11-07-11, 03:59 AM

I don't know about that, Wakeup... it's quite possible he just isn't positive that he wants a permanent, committed relationship with her. It's far better for him to be cautious than for them to get married and discover it was a horrible mistake.

**geekygirl** · 11-07-11, 04:03 AM

Originally Posted by TheTooya

... Sounds like a back-up plan to me... :/

I would break things off now if he sees his priorities will bring you apart (are you talking about dealing with long distance?)

I don't think it'll become an LDR. There's a very small chance (maybe 10%) of that happening. We'll most likely stay in the same city.

**Wakeup** · 11-07-11, 04:07 AM

Originally Posted by HeartIsAching

I don't know about that, Wakeup... it's quite possible he just isn't positive that he wants a permanent, committed relationship with her. It's far better for him to be cautious than for them to get married and discover it was a horrible mistake.

Yes, I agree but it's also far better for her to make a clean break than to allow him his cake while he eats it and is totally free to meet another while at school and marry her instead. Either you're in or your out in my mind. Limbo is a shitty State. If they find after grad school that they both are still single then they can pick up where they left off if they both have that connection they once enjoyed.

**geekygirl** · 11-07-11, 04:08 AM

Originally Posted by Wakeup

Either that or you have a conversation with him about exactly why he wants to keep you around while not being committed so that you know without a doubt where you stand and what his intentions are. Only he can tell you and hopefully he won't lie to you.

This is exactly what's confusing me! Why the heck would he want to keep me around if he can't commit? When he told me all this, I asked him if he wanted to break up and his exact words were "No. I really like you." What I kinda find strange is that he's still acting exactly the same. You'd think when you demote a romantic relationship to 'just friends', it might be awkward but nope.....his behavior is exactly the same. In fact, for the time being, I kinda like the 'just friends' stage because I'm seeing him from a different light.

**Wakeup** · 11-07-11, 04:15 AM

Then have fun being his back up.

The end!

**HeartIsAching** · 11-07-11, 04:25 AM

Originally Posted by Wakeup

Yes, I agree but it's also far better for her to make a clean break than to allow him his cake while he eats it and is totally free to meet another while at school and marry her instead. Either you're in or your out in my mind. Limbo is a shitty State. If they find after grad school that they both are still single then they can pick up where they left off if they both have that connection they once enjoyed.

What's wrong with staying BF/GF while they're in school? She said they're in the same city.

**geekygirl** · 11-07-11, 04:30 AM

Originally Posted by HeartIsAching

What's wrong with staying BF/GF while they're in school? She said they're in the same city.

I agree.....as long as it doesn't become an LDR, what's wrong with staying together? If we're meant to stay together, we'll stay together and if we're meant to break up, we'll break up regardless of grad school, right?

**Wakeup** · 11-07-11, 04:31 AM

Originally Posted by HeartIsAching

What's wrong with staying BF/GF while they're in school? She said they're in the same city.

If thats what he wants... to be exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend then there's nothing wrong with it. From my understanding I thought he no longer wanted "committment." I suppose we need to find out what OP as well as her "friend's" definition of "committment" actually is. I got the impression he wants to keep her around while he has no strings and can do as he pleases and who he pleases as there is no longer any "committment." *shrugs*

**geekygirl** · 11-07-11, 04:39 AM

Originally Posted by Wakeup

If thats what he wants... to be exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend then there's nothing wrong with it. From my understanding I thought he no longer wanted "committment." I suppose we need to find out what OP as well as her "friend's" definition of "committment" actually is. I got the impression he wants to keep her around while he has no strings and can do as he pleases and who he pleases as there is no longer any "committment." *shrugs*

Sorry....my fault. By 'committment', we're talking marriage. We'd talked about it but now he's saying he wants to stay together until we're done with school (which is about 18 months for me and 3 years for him) without feeling pressured to marry. I told him that's fine....I'm not in a hurry either and that's it....we both left it at that. We'll definitely still be exclusive but I guess you can say we're taking a step back until we're done with school.

**Wakeup** · 11-07-11, 04:52 AM

Well then I totally misunderstood your meaning of "committment" then. Disregard all talk of being his "back up" plan. I think it's smart to wait until the pressure of school is a thing of the past and you're both established finanacially.

Good luck.

**geekygirl** · 11-07-11, 05:00 AM

Originally Posted by Wakeup

Well then I totally misunderstood your meaning of "committment" then. Disregard all talk of being his "back up" plan. I think it's smart to wait until the pressure of school is a thing of the past and you're both established finanacially.

Good luck.

You're right....I agree with you which is why I didn't break up with him. I guess the only thing that's worrying me is that 3 years is a long wait but then again, perhaps it's a good chance for us to get to know each other even better before getting married. Thanks!

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