What's this mean?

[confused&single]

My long drawn out break up story continues. It'll be four months at the end of this month since we broke up. He readily admits that he loves me and cares about me still. He also states that he is still very much on the fence about what he wants and the decision that was made. He also admits that he hasn't really talked about what happened to anyone. Which I find incredibly stupid...how do you not talk about something so important like a break up with friends (a relationship that was almost 4 years long). Anyway today we hung out briefly because I had an emergency with my dog and he went with me. She's fine, but it was awkward. He barely looked at me the entire time. On the way there he said maybe 3 or 4 sentences to me. When we were waiting on the vet he started to relax and communicate more but he still barely looked at me. On the way back the conversation was much better, normal almost. But still...very little eye contact. When we got back to my place he left almost instantly and gave me an awkward sideways hug and I said I could walk him out. He then proceeded to give me another awkward 2 to 4 second hug. He was like..well have a good week. Then started to walk away, and I said...hey...um...can you just give me a better hug then that? He was like..ffinne....then gave me another hug that was better but probably only 5 seconds or so. Still no eye contact. He left....not saying anything. I'm so over his drama, but I'm still clearly in love with the guy. And if I didn't think/know that he loved me still I would think it'd be a hell of a lot easier to move on. But the fact of the matter is that I know he still has feelings for me and I clearly have feelings for him....so I'm stuck...still. Even when I'm trying to move on by going on dates. I just don't enjoy their company and can't help compare EVERYTHING the guys that I've been on dates with do to him. Anyway..so the original question...what does the no eye contact/barely talking mean? We talk at least once a week normally....and he said he wasn't mad. (He did have to drive an hour to go with me)

PS. I should also mention that he split the vet visit bill with me. Which I told him he didn't have to...but he insisted.

[DarkHelmet82]

he felt awkward... its like the saying "you can cut the tension with a knife." Four months is a short time after a four year relationship in my opinion. It will get easier for you, i think you need to go No Contact.

[AmericanGirl]

A few years ago, I ended a 4 yr relationship. It takes a long time. I think the no eye contact and sideways hugs mean he doesn't want to do anything wrong. Let's face it, if he didn't love you, he wouldn't have gone with you for your dog. Granted, he probably loves the dog, too. 4 years is a long time and you are so intertwined. My ex also didn't like to talk to others about it. I was mortified to run into his sister in law and find out she didn't know we broke up and it had been like a month! I think it's a denial thing. That is how my ex was. It was sad. He didn't want to change to fix anything in the relationship but he didn't want it to end either. So there would be awkward moments like you described. I would get so frustrated. Like you, I dated, too. It was awful. I didn't enjoy their company and I compared everything to him. I think the reality hit one day.... he is not willing to change anything. I loved him but he wasn't going to do anything to make me happy etc. It was like this is him take him or leave him. So I left him. Give it some more time. The answer will come. It's hard though. You were with him for 4 years. It's going to take some time to get away and start anew.

If makes you feel better-- I eventually got over him and now I am heart broken over someone else. LOL!!!

[confused&single]

A few years ago, I ended a 4 yr relationship. It takes a long time. I think the no eye contact and sideways hugs mean he doesn't want to do anything wrong. Let's face it, if he didn't love you, he wouldn't have gone with you for your dog. Granted, he probably loves the dog, too. 4 years is a long time and you are so intertwined. My ex also didn't like to talk to others about it. I was mortified to run into his sister in law and find out she didn't know we broke up and it had been like a month! I think it's a denial thing. That is how my ex was. It was sad. He didn't want to change to fix anything in the relationship but he didn't want it to end either. So there would be awkward moments like you described. I would get so frustrated. Like you, I dated, too. It was awful. I didn't enjoy their company and I compared everything to him. I think the reality hit one day.... he is not willing to change anything. I loved him but he wasn't going to do anything to make me happy etc. It was like this is him take him or leave him. So I left him. Give it some more time. The answer will come. It's hard though. You were with him for 4 years. It's going to take some time to get away and start anew.

If makes you feel better-- I eventually got over him and now I am heart broken over someone else. LOL!!!

Here's the thing, I completely agree with you. But I know that he is willing to change because before we broke up he was and has in the past when there was issues in our relationship. He can't even really tell me a good reason as to why we aren't together. He says when people (he's colleagues) ask what happened, he'll say "She gave more to the relationship then I did, and that's not fair". Which sounds like I broke up with him...but I didn't...it was mutually decided because he couldn't make up his mind on what he wanted out of the relationship. I asked him once if he though subconsciously he felt like maybe he wasn't good enough for me...and he said "yeah that's probably part of it". I told him that I have every right to decide if I want to be in a relationship or not with him. If I wasn't happy, I wouldn't be with him. So now we're basically both sad and lonely but he won't be honest with himself about how he feels about me. He also got really sad when I told him I had a date last Friday. He can't be sad that I'm dating but won't do anything to get back together with me...it's not fair...I'm just so confused and frustrated. I'm also really irritated that none of his friends have asked how he is doing or helped him figure out what he's trying to gain from this. It's so frustrating. GGGAAAHHH.

[ctr916]

What kinds of things was he unwilling to do to make you happy?

[ctr916]

Would you object to getting some of your girl friends who may have a higher sex drive who may feel they aren't meeting their quota, to simply use him for sex to see if he clamors for a relationship with you again; or, simply to give him the opportunity to compare and contrast your relationship with more experiences to be able to make a more well informed decision?

[AmericanGirl]

Men can be so dense.... have you tried telling him exactly what you need him to change? He split the bill with you? That was really nice. Is he just bummed and thinking you don't love him as much as he loves you? But then you say he can't make up his mind about what he wants in the relationship.

[confused&single]

You all sound as confused as I am! He has dated someone briefly since we broke up and apparently they made out or whatever. He broke it off because as he said "he wasn't ready for another relationship yet". So as much as he may say he wants to know what else is out there...in terms of girls...i don't think that's it.

The things that he needed to work on were being emotionally distant and not very emotionally supportive. But he was..honestly...getting better at it. The only thing that I needed and the only thing that was a real issue in our relationship was me wanting to know what he wanted out of our relationship. I want to get married someday...very far in the future...and if he didn't want that with me then I didn't want to waste my time. So that was an on going conversation. I think I made him panic so he just wanted out...but I think it's clear that he still wants me by how he acts. The fact that he is sad to see me start to date...the fact that he says he still cares about me and loves me. The fact that he can't look at me....

I was surprised he split the bill. I told him not to..several times..and he was like "no I want to, it's fine". I made it perfectly clear that I was going to pay the visit and didn't ask him to go with me for him to split the bill with me. It's just so confusing. I don't know what to do anymore.

[AmericanGirl]

If you have time (meaning you are willing to wait to get married and start a family) then I think you should date as much as you can. You don't have to string along guys to make your ex jealous, that is not nice. But maybe if you get out there and he sees you are not kidding around, it will prompt him to act. If it doesn't, then who knows maybe you will meet someone better.

[confused&single]

I'm not trying to date other people to make him jealous...well...not entirely so. There is probably a layer of wanting to make him jealous, but I wouldn't be going on a date or dates with someone if I didn't have some sort of an interest in them. I was supposed to have plans with him tomorrow, but I canceled telling him i didn't think it was good for us to do so. So I am taking steps to show him that I'm moving on. But when I do see him..it's so damn clear that I still want him. Thank God that's not very frequent. I did just ask a mutual girl friend of ours if she'd casually try talking to him about it. I told her I'm not asking her to report back or asking her to convince him of anything...just to talk because I know he needs that and clearly I'm to involved to give him objective advice. I hate that I feel like I'm being sneaky or shady..but I am concerned about him..even if we never get back together. He'll always carry around those feelings if he doesn't deal with them. Hell..I know that I would..that's why I'm constantly on here writing to people whom will give objective opinions. She said she would but she wouldn't discuss something with me if he wanted her to keep it in confidence. I told her I completely respected that and I'm not asking her to report back to me. Just to talk. Why is he so god damn confusing and immature? It's so frustrating.

[AmericanGirl]

That was a good idea. Several years ago, my dear friend's boyfriend was trying to decide if they should get married. It was one of those, he never thought he'd get married. But she really wanted to get married. So she needed to know-- if there was a future or not. Anyway, he ended up calling me to talk. I swore I would never tell my friend what we talked about. And I am happy to say, they are married to this day. She has no idea he ever talked to me about it and she she never will.

It is hard for men to find someone to talk to, especially, if it's against their nature. Good luck to you. Everything will work out as it should. Or so I keep telling myself.

[pisces25]

If it was me I would cut him off completely. Completely NC. That will be the only way for him to make a decision.

At the moment he knows you are available to go back to him and waiting around for him. He picks up on the feelings you still have. By cutting contact and saying you can't do it any longer he will then realise what he has done and reconcile or move on completely. After 4 years of course there is still going to be feelings of loving and caring for each other, he could be struggling to let go. Seriously if he wanted to be with you and have a relationship this wouldn't be happening. Sorry if that sounds harsh. You can't move on because you still have hope. He has control over the situation. Maybe you need to start taking control and thinking about whether you deserve for this to be happening or not.

[confused&single]

If it was me I would cut him off completely. Completely NC. That will be the only way for him to make a decision.

At the moment he knows you are available to go back to him and waiting around for him. He picks up on the feelings you still have. By cutting contact and saying you can't do it any longer he will then realise what he has done and reconcile or move on completely. After 4 years of course there is still going to be feelings of loving and caring for each other, he could be struggling to let go. Seriously if he wanted to be with you and have a relationship this wouldn't be happening. Sorry if that sounds harsh. You can't move on because you still have hope. He has control over the situation. Maybe you need to start taking control and thinking about whether you deserve for this to be happening or not.

You're absolutely right. And with each day that passes I believe it a little more. I did cancel dinner with him and I didn't decide to go back on my decision. Which I'm proud of and actually feel really content about. Its so uncomfortable to be around him anymore because he can't relax and be normal because I think his normal around me is being my boyfriend and he doesn't know if he wants that. I'm to the point where I don't feel compelled to contact him all the time and honestly I'm not really sad anymore. I feel so stupid because everyone tells me not to talk to him anymore but I still do. You'd think after almost 4 months of being broken up I would have gotten used to the No Contact rule.....sigh. The beat marches on I guess. Eventually I'll stop caring..I just hope its soon.