Not sure what to do or say

[Dermo]

Hi Guys,

Here is my story - I have been in what I would call a pretty good honest relationship for the past year with a girl I really do love.
There is a 7 year age gap I am 29 and she is 22, however this has never been an issue for us.

I'm an Irish guy and have been living in Australia for almost 2 years and this is where we met- also worth noting that I am reaching the end of my work visa here in Oz but there is a chance my employer will sponsor me to say on - I will be asking them in a week or two.

She is almost finished university while I work full time in IT. We have never even had an argument which in opinion and from my experience is a pretty good sign of a strong relationship, I love here and she loves me - we both said it to each other last night.

However I did make one mistake last weekend - there was an event/party in her parents house and I drank way too much and kind of embarrassed here in front of her family (many generations of her family) I have been at many events like this before I they worked out just fine. I was just a drunken idiot - which i apologized for.

No here is the problem - she is due to leave for a 5 month university placement in Sweden in 6 weeks time - this has never been an issue, We had even planned to visit Ireland and my family over Christmas to break up the 5 months a bit.
But last night she starting saying things to me that have made me extremely gutted and heartbroken.

She said things like,
- I'm not sure I want an international relationship....
- I dont want things to end badly, I dont want to get hurt
- I have no idea what I want - people say to me its always best to travel alone and with no ties.

This was all said before she said "I really do honestly love you" and I returned the same to her.

It seems to be she is thinking about breaking up the relationship.


I am taking here out for dinner tomorrow night but because I am so heartbroken I have no idea what to say - or what she wants after I had this conversation with her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks
Dermo

[pisces25]

I can see why that would be unsettling for you. If it was me I would ask straight out what she wants to do with the r/ship whilst she is away and then take it from there. The unknown is what is scary at the moment.

Her age is probably against you too. In my experience early 20's is the time for exploring, meeting people, having fun, living it up, finding yourself etc. Could be that she feels she wants this kind of experience being away for studying. Not meaning to scare you but by her bringing it up shows she does have doubts about the future of the relationship.

Don't hold anything in though, if you need to talk to her do it. Otherwise the r/ship will take on a weird, disconnected feeling as you aren't being honest with your feelings. Good luck.

[Dermo]

Yes I agree with your analysis - the problem is she doesn't know what she wants, I think. She says she loves me but she also seem to want to experience life as I have experienced it and as you have described.

The more I think about it the more I feel its over..... although that is the last thing I want. Even she says she doesnt want to end it- but wtf am I supposed to think after all the stuff she said last night.

I have no problem with being honest with her and that exactly what I will do tomorrow night - but what can I ask her to find out her true desires?? seeing that she seems a little unsure herself.

[pisces25]

She probably won't be able to give you an indication of her true desires at this point simply because she doesn't know them. Having been in her position before she would be feeling extremely confused about what to do and hurting you would be the last thing she wants to do thus making the situation even more difficult. As hard as it is I think you just need to be supportive and tell her you are concerned with the comments that she made and what it means for you guys and that you want her to be 100% honest about everything, even if she fears the outcome. I think it is important to allow her to speak her thoughts in a way she won't feel there will be some sort of backlash if she does.

Perhaps you can suggest giving the long-distance thing a go and see what happens? You will just need to be prepared that things could fall apart when she is away. which is not ideal but at least you know you tried.

On the other hand there is the possibility that she could just be expressing those thoughts as they have been on her mind but she has no intention of breaking it off.

[Dermo]

Thanks for your advise Pisces, I will take it onboard.

I guess I will just have to have another night of little sleep and see what happens tomorrow night.

Thanks again.

[devonbrown]

I think you are right in thinking that she is thinking about experiencing life on her own. And would you want to keep her from that? You had your opportunity to be young and do what you wanted. She should be allowed the same.

You talk about the relationship ending as not what you want, but try to look at things from her perspective and what she may want. Maybe you two can work out something where you agree to try again after her travels or something. But regardless, be happy for her. Don't let your own hurt cause her to not be able to enjoy this potentially once in a lifetime opportunity.

She probably does care for you and doesn't want to break up, so whatever plans you two make will probably not matter too much. What I mean is, even if she says that you two should break up for a while, chances are she will still be thinking about you during that time.

Good luck.

[Dermo]

We met up tonight, she says she still loves me and that it feels wrong to break up but yet still she broke it off while tears were running down her face. This just feels wrong, apparently the main reason was for my drunken episisode last weekend. I promised i wouldnt let it happen again but it didnt make a difference.

I feel like i have one dagger stuck in my heart and another in my stomach. This is my worst nightmare come true.

[devonbrown]

I'm sorry that you are hurting, but it may be for the best. As for the drunken episode, we all have to accept consequences of our actions, whether we think it is fair or not.

I still think this girl has feelings for you and I doubt that she will cut all contact with you. So stay in contact with her, and once she is back from her travels, maybe something will happen again. But don't push her or she will run even farther away.