What do men in relationships really think when watching porn?

[Katmeow85]

When I watch a porn, I only look at the parts that aren't meant to be seen in public. I couldn't care less about her personality. All that aside, there's no chance I would go out on a date with one of those girls.

People have been doing "extra" things to enhance sex since the beginning of time. Males are very visually-oriented people. If your body isn't new and exciting, he will visually use some picture to enhance his enjoyment. It's not about the porn either. If you can find some way to be sure to take it all away, he'll just be thinking about other people. That won't stop. Even if your body was flawless, that won't stop him from wishing to experience a variety. Since he knows that the full experience is out-of-the-question, he's fine with visual depictions.e

If you are threatened and/or offended by his porn-watching, talk to him about it. If it still doesn't stop, decide if it's something to break-up over. Who knows, if you open yourself up to it, you might find something enticing about it for yourself.

Youve made me feel worse. You basically just said hes bored of me sexually and he needs to look at other women to get turned on.

Ive watched porn. I just dont feel the need in a relationship as i dont get bored looking at my bf.

[Mathias]

I don't have any idea what will help. Maybe if I believed I was beautiful and hot or just was those two things I wouldnt be a bothered. I've so far lost over 30lbs but need to lose a bit more. I think also if my boyfriend paid more attention to me sexually I'd feel a bit better also, like 3 times a week would do be fine.

This thing about male equality and porn is bs though.

That's awesome that you've done that for yourself. Congratulations.

Why do you need his approval to feel good about yourself, though? If you're in a relationship where you're not getting what you need, address it or get out. It really is that simple. You don't owe him anything. You need to put yourself first, period. It seems you have a hard time with that concept.

[Soreloser]

Just like with kids, the second you tell him that he's not allowed to do the things he wants to do, he is calculating exactly what time he'll be scheduling these activities for when you're not around to yell at him. Regardless, as soon as you've trained him to stop watching porn, there'll be some other gawd-awful activity that he seems to enjoy that you'll want to stop as well.

Make him stop, break up with him, or live with it. Those are your three options.

Personally, I'm sick of people trying to condition me so that I'm "tolerable" to be around. That's why I'm single. I leave the toilet seat up. I fart ALL the time. I don't need to win arguments with logic because there's nobody around to argue with. I also watch porn... which doesn't fall asleep on me, tell me that I'm doing it wrong, or call me "sick" because I might happen to be curious what something might feel like. Women are an endless stream of negativity and limitations.

[pisces25]

I still think the problem isn't porn here it is more the fact you and your body are not getting the attention you deserve from your partner. I empathise with that as I was in the same boat. I wasn't my partners ideal type and as a result he struggled to get excited over me. We tried to make things work but at the end of the day we couldn't and had to call it a day. So I think rather than talk to your BF about his porn watching how about telling him your concerns about the way he makes you feel. If he doesn't acknowledge this and work to make you feel the way you want then you really need to reconsider if you want to be in the relationship. Talk calmy and clearly, you won't even have to mention the porn to make your point as I think if he made you feel good about yourself and secure the porn watching would'nt bother you as much.

[Katmeow85]

Just like with kids, the second you tell him that he's not allowed to do the things he wants to do, he is calculating exactly what time he'll be scheduling these activities for when you're not around to yell at him. Regardless, as soon as you've trained him to stop watching porn, there'll be some other gawd-awful activity that he seems to enjoy that you'll want to stop as well.

Make him stop, break up with him, or live with it. Those are your three options.

Personally, I'm sick of people trying to condition me so that I'm "tolerable" to be around. That's why I'm single. I leave the toilet seat up. I fart ALL the time. I don't need to win arguments with logic because there's nobody around to argue with. I also watch porn... which doesn't fall asleep on me, tell me that I'm doing it wrong, or call me "sick" because I might happen to be curious what something might feel like. Women are an endless stream of negativity and limitations.

I never said i wanted him to stop as i know he wont.

We fart and i never fall asleep having sex...lol I dont care what type he watches either. Its more a case of why then what.

[Katmeow85]

That's awesome that you've done that for yourself. Congratulations.

Why do you need his approval to feel good about yourself, though? If you're in a relationship where you're not getting what you need, address it or get out. It really is that simple. You don't owe him anything. You need to put yourself first, period. It seems you have a hard time with that concept.

I was abused everyway in my last relationship and think its messed me up. I feel like i have to be perfect or hell leave like he did or hurt me. My now bf has hit me once or twice and now i feel its me who needs to keep changing. My now bf has only ever hit me. What is wrong with me? That is why im scared to talk to him now . Last time i tried it was abiut how sad i was about the porn. He went mental and kicked and hit me. I wasnt even shouting.
Its all my fault.

[Katmeow85]

I still think the problem isn't porn here it is more the fact you and your body are not getting the attention you deserve from your partner. I empathise with that as I was in the same boat. I wasn't my partners ideal type and as a result he struggled to get excited over me. We tried to make things work but at the end of the day we couldn't and had to call it a day. So I think rather than talk to your BF about his porn watching how about telling him your concerns about the way he makes you feel. If he doesn't acknowledge this and work to make you feel the way you want then you really need to reconsider if you want to be in the relationship. Talk calmy and clearly, you won't even have to mention the porn to make your point as I think if he made you feel good about yourself and secure the porn watching would'nt bother you as much.

I think if i was getting my intimacy id be happier. Also id still be a bit weird about the porn but not as much.

[Mathias]

I was abused everyway in my last relationship and think its messed me up. I feel like i have to be perfect or hell leave like he did or hurt me. My now bf has hit me once or twice and now i feel its me who needs to keep changing. My now bf has only ever hit me. What is wrong with me? That is why im scared to talk to him now . Last time i tried it was abiut how sad i was about the porn. He went mental and kicked and hit me. I wasnt even shouting.
Its all my fault.

Call the police. This is a much bigger problem.

[pisces25]

Call the police. This is a much bigger problem.

Yes. This thread is taking a weird turn. I thought you said apart from the porn-watching your relationship was ok???

[Katmeow85]

It isnt as bad as it sounds.

[Mathias]

It isnt as bad as it sounds.

Has he hit you at least once?

If so, it's as bad as it sounds. You're simply rationalizing his behavior at this point. Get out. Now.

[Wakeup]

Originally Posted by Katmeow85
I was abused everyway in my last relationship and think its messed me up. I feel like i have to be perfect or hell leave like he did or hurt me. My now bf has hit me once or twice and now i feel its me who needs to keep changing. My now bf has only ever hit me. What is wrong with me? That is why im scared to talk to him now . Last time i tried it was abiut how sad i was about the porn. He went mental and kicked and hit me. I wasnt even shouting.
Its all my fault.

Your codependency and insecurity and zero self worth needs to be addressed, Kat. Please call your mental health hotline in your area and ask them to refer you to a councelor in your durisdiction. Seriously. You'll be glad you did because the state you're in now is not healthy. Any woman who says "It's not that bad" when she has just admited that her spouse is physically abusing her needs the help of a good therapist to teach her that she is worth more than shitty treatment.

I'll add: Since your latest revelation... "porn" and his lack of intimacy is not your biggest problem. Seriously, you can't come her and justify the way you have by telling us you'd be fine that "its not as bad as it sounds" as long as he was screwing you is just wrong on so many accounts.

[smackie9]

Your codependency and insecurity and zero self worth needs to be addressed, Kat. Please call your mental health hotline in your area and ask them to refer you to a councelor in your durisdiction. Seriously. You'll be glad you did because the state you're in now is not healthy. Any woman who says "It's not that bad" when she has just admited that her spouse is physically abusing her needs the help of a good therapist to teach her that she is worth more than shitty treatment.

I agree with this.....you can also call abused women hotline as well for free 24-7 counseling or you can go to your local womens or family planning clinic and they can advise you on where to get some help.....the help is out there, all you have to do is ask.

[Katmeow85]

I've asked for a counsellor but it has taken about 3 weeks so far and havent heard anything yet. I'm so ad it is unbelieveable. He keeps asking me what has he done and I'm just too scared to say what it is because of arguments. He is a nice man. He has just made a couple of mistakes. The incidents of violence have been far apart like over a years difference.

At this point I feel like I've just given up. This is my life. I have to deal with his porn, deal with being so lonely I could cry (live over 60 miles from parents and over 12 miles to any other family and friends), just feeling like I'm a tag along and not worthy of anything remotely good. Anything I do try I fail at or something will happen and bring me down. I'm jut so fed up. The only thing keeping me going is my son.

No matter who I'm with I ruin it or they arent the person I thought.

[Wakeup]

Call them again and ask them the status of you being placed with a councelor. Call them everyday if you need to.