Need some advice on a issue...

[Broodmare]

First off, thanks to everyone who takes the time to read this.

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and three months. Done all my firsts with him and we are both in college. We do have our fights occasionally but otherwise it's going good. We had a small fight the other day and we talked about things for a long time. He told me early on in the relationship that he did cheat on his previous girlfriend but he totally regretted it and promised he would never hurt me like that. I beleive and trust him not to do so.

He used so be somewhat of a player in the past but is now trying to settle down with me. During our conversation, he mentioned to me that he loves me and wants to be with me and doesn't want that to change. But there is a part of him that still misses "the chase" of getting girls and wishes he was still single. He told me that he has dreams about having sex with other women (and doesn't like that and wishes they would stop, but I told him I figured all guys were like that...as long as they don't act on it) and has these urges to cheat but said he would NEVER do that to me. Even though he regretted that happening before...he just loved the rush of it being so wrong.

I asked him if he wanted to break up with me and he said that he really doesn't want to. He told me that it would be nice to maybe be able to fool around with someone else...that someone else being one of his exes while with me just to be able to get that rush again. His preferred answer and what he thinks would solve this is having a threesome with me and his ex...just because he would rather me be there with him and said he would definately make it worth my while if I did this for him. He feels like thats the final...not sure what word im looking for here...challenge? Mastery? in a guys life and feels like once he does that he will feel "complete" and not have these feelings anymore and be able to continue on with me.

I'm not really sure what to do....I'm a bit clingy and don't really want to know about another woman all over my guy (even though they were in a relationship before I understand that...but not in this situation with me now) He said he wouldn't tell me when it'd happen with his ex or any details about it...but I feel like I'm going to be constantly wondering. I don't think I can handle that emotionally. Part of me feels horrible just because I want to do everything that will make him happy. But as I told him...I have no way of giving him the thing that he wants the most...that rush of cheating. Again, part of me wants to do a threesome, but I have no idea if I can handle that emotionally. I asked him how all of this would solve this problem. He said it might and it might not.

Would love some help. :\

[Cerby]

This is a screwed up situation for you. He wants to be physical with someone else, and in order to put your needs ahead of his he has proposed a threesome. This is complete BS, he could fool around with someone else, or hit a total fantasy 3-way and be guilt free.

I think if you say no to his request he will likely cheat on you with the ex anyways. He simply doesn't want to be monogamous with you.

Oh, and his preferred answer of a threesome won't solve this, he will want to continue with it over and over.

[pisces25]

I would be saying absolutely no way. If he wants to screw his ex that desperately (why his ex anyway? Did he like sex with her better?) I would let him go so he can go and do it. Won't be long before he regrets it and realises what he has lost with you and when he comes back with his tail between his legs you say **** off. I don't even understand why someone in a committed relationship would even be thinking about this.

[celestina]

A guy who really loves you and respected you would never ask this of you! It is totally sexist and selfish. And why does he tell you all this stuff about cheating and his dreams with other women? It's definitely not things you should accept. I understand how you love him and want him to be happy, but see, he obviously isn't making you happy and doesn't care all that much about your feelings and your dignity. Don't do this for him. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't respect his ex, he only wants to nail both of you at the same time.

[Broodmare]

I would be saying absolutely no way. If he wants to screw his ex that desperately (why his ex anyway? Did he like sex with her better?) I would let him go so he can go and do it. Won't be long before he regrets it and realises what he has lost with you and when he comes back with his tail between his legs you say **** off. I don't even understand why someone in a committed relationship would even be thinking about this.

Thanks everyone for the respnoses. He actually told me that the sex with me is the best hes ever had out if the 7 he's been with. I actually asked him about that and he said it's just that everyone is different and he wanted to experience another style again. I also asked why he wanted to do it with that particular ex and he said that that's the only one he's still freinds with and it's always special with your first (she was).

[HeartIsAching]

Hell no. Cerby's got it right. He's trying to cheat on you without feeling guilty, and if you won't let him, he'll just cheat on you and feel guilty after.

[IndiReloaded]

What? Tell him if he cheats you are dumping him asap. BTW, I hope you are using birth control.

[Broodmare]

What? Tell him if he cheats you are dumping him asap. BTW, I hope you are using birth control.

No worries about the BC, I'm on it. I told him if he ever does cheat on me to just tell me so I can end it.

[Broodmare]

One thing I wanted to add... After our talk we had a bit of make up sex type thing (don't judge me for that) and when we were done he sincerely looked into my eyes and said that I was perfect and that he loves me a lot. Can't remember if he said anything along the lines "and you're the only one for me" type thing or not...I almost feel like he did. Anyway, he told me before that I have a tendency to dwell on things a lot, which is a problem I do recognize I have, but how can I not think about this stuff? I've been wondering ever since he told me that stuff after sex...did he realise that all the things he was thinking and said before were wrong? Does he now not want to do all that stuff he told me? In a way I want to ask him but I'm scared because I feel like he may get mad and accuse me of sweeping on it when really I've just been thinking about it. Also he may just lie and tell me what I want to hear thinking it'll make me feel better...I'm just not sure.

[MerryH]

ever since he told me that stuff after sex...did he realise that all the things he was thinking and said before were wrong? Does he now not want to do all that stuff he told me?

I doubt it. I would think he still wants to do all those things. I mean, telling your girlfriend you want to sleep with someone else isn't something you just blurt out, usually. So I would assume that he thought long and hard before telling you that, and he decided that he does actually want it. I don't think having sex with you changes his desire for a threesome, or whatever.

In a way I want to ask him but I'm scared because I feel like he may get mad

Who cares if he gets mad. Ask him. He asked you to consider letting him sleep with someone else or have a threesome, which is a big deal. This is something that should be given a lot of thought. So if he gets mad at you for "dwelling" on it and asking questions, then that's a very bad thing. You should be questioning it, and he should be open to hearing your thoughts/concerns and then discussing them with you.

Damn, wait, I just read your OP again, and it seems that you already gave him permission to sleep with his ex. Is that right? OP, please, don't agree to anything you're not comfortable with. You're not comfortable with him banging his ex, and you're not comfortable with a threesome (it's obvious.) Just admit it, and say that to him. He already told you that it "might or might not" solve the problem, so why even consider doing it? There are lots and lots of ways to repair a relationship. Bringing a third person into it won't help.

Also, if he has your permission, he's not really cheating, so that taboo rush that he likes wouldn't be there, right?

[Broodmare]

Thanks for the response. No I didn't give him permission but I think I know what made you think that. I told him if he ever DOES go out and chest without my permission then he needs to tell me so I can end it. As for the rush I do agree with you there about him not getting it if he has my permission, but I guess it's just the fact he's in a relationship but banging someone else.

[Wakeup]

No worries about the BC, I'm on it. I told him if he ever does cheat on me to just tell me so I can end it.

I'm surprised you haven't just ended it anyway. Why are you waiting for him to disappoint and devestate you? (do you seriously think he will tell you "if he ever does cheat on you?") You and this man are not of the same sexual boundaries. Even to ask you such a thing tells me that he is not the monogamous type while you are. It's a mis-match.

Save yourself some real devestation and just tell him to have his fun but you'll not be involved nor will you ever be with him again. If he's asked you for this, then he's likely asked her to do the same thing which to me would spell out that they are still sexually and/or emotionally cheating on you anyway. Ugh. Bubye him and save yourself the indignation further down the road. This is a huge red flag that shouldn't be ignored. You're not the sharing type... he is. Apples and Oranges you two are and the chances are very, very high that he'll soon get bored with the mundaneness of just having sex with one.

P.S.

I've been wondering ever since he told me that stuff after sex...did he realise that all the things he was thinking and said before were wrong?

No, More than likely he's simply telling you what he thinks you want to hear to keep the status quo.