My bf spends too much money on me!

[FeelingCalledL]

i am at a loss for words here. so she needs therapy because she is has issues with gifts?

I never said that.

She doesn't need therapy for the way she feels. He doesn't need therapy for the way he acts.

But it is obviously that they are on different speeds here. The way I see this ending is: she will start backing off and getting bored of his generosity. He will keep giving more and more to win her back. She will ask for a break he will feel cheated.

[Sonrisa]

I never said that.

She doesn't need therapy for the way she feels. He doesn't need therapy for the way he acts.

But it is obviously that they are on different speeds here. The way I see this ending is: she will start backing off and getting bored of his generosity. He will keep giving more and more to win her back. She will ask for a break he will feel cheated.

so he needs a taker and she needs a stinger in order to be on the same speed?

[FeelingCalledL]

so he needs a taker and she needs a stinger in order to be on the same speed?

if you are asking me, he needs a girl that will appreciate his giving and give back (it doesn't have to be in money or gifts. She can give back by showing love and affection).

She needs a guy who will take things a bit slower and not dive head first into the relationship.

[lahnnabell]

So, in otherwords your "complaint" is very similar to the Opening Posters. Too funny!

I'll add that that comment was not meant to be malicious in anyway. Just an observation.

Mine isn't really a complaint. It's a serious discussion I had with my boyfriend who I now live with. We're in the process of looking for larger apartments in nicer areas and we'd like to get some kittens in the future. This means we have to curb our daily/weekly spending. He's used to being a bachelor and going out and blowing his money on shots for his friends. If we're going to have a future, he can't do that anymore. And I'm happy he wants to buy me things, but I told him that I'm just as happy to plan for our future.

I can't control his spending, but I can certainly walk if his habits are harming our future plans.

[FeelingCalledL]

I can't control his spending, but I can certainly walk if his habits are harming our future plans.

Are you really willing and able to break up with him for that reason? :-O

[lahnnabell]

Why wouldn't I be? If his spending habits don't include planning for the future we're discussing then he's not treating me like a priority. I won't stand for that.

If it ever came down to it, I'd give him an ultimatum first. If he didn't make considerable progress then I'd leave. I'm not here to mommy him.

[smackie9]

It all comes down to commonsense. If they don't have the common sense to date within their budget, then there will always be issues within the relationship about money...time to bail because you can't change them.

[lahnnabell]

It all comes down to commonsense. If they don't have the common sense to date within their budget, then there will always be issues within the relationship about money...time to bail because you can't change them.

Nor should you have to change them. Money is a huge reason couples argue and/or split/divorce so it's best to figure out where your priorities stand early on.

[Mathias]

Why wouldn't I be? If his spending habits don't include planning for the future we're discussing then he's not treating me like a priority. I won't stand for that.

If it ever came down to it, I'd give him an ultimatum first. If he didn't make considerable progress then I'd leave. I'm not here to mommy him.

Good for you. And Feeling - why wouldn't she be? Why would she want to date a child?

[deeblondie82]

Just talk to him. Let him know you like that he pays for things and gets you gifts but sometimes you would like to chip in and help out if he still insists on paying for it, if it makes him happy then let him. Buy him a gift saying thank you... let him know its not him but the both of you who are in this together. He paying always isnt a big deal but it seems your not enjoying it too much. Just talk to him.. thats best

[FeelingCalledL]

Good for you. And Feeling - why wouldn't she be? Why would she want to date a child?

Because for me Love is much more than cold calculated logical decisions. But I guess not everybody is the same.

[bulrush]

Are you really willing and able to break up with him for that reason? :-O

My ex-wife was addicted to shopping. Luckily she barely controlled so we didn't not get financially ruined. But it was a source of many fights and anxiety. Now I only date women who can manage their own money. I did ask for a divorce, but her shopping habits were not the main reason. She would buy $500 worth of clothes on sale and say "Look honey! I saved us $100!"

Um, yeah, but you spent $500 to "save" $100. That is a net loss of $500 for something that no one can use but her. I was not opposed to her shopping, I was opposed to her excess.

[lahnnabell]

Because for me Love is much more than cold calculated logical decisions. But I guess not everybody is the same.

This is why a lot of marriages don't work. Believe it or not, it has to be based on more than just love. You have to also be compatible in the right areas: life goals (want kids/no kids?, travel and adventure?, where do you want to settle down?), being honest about your spending habits and trying to find some balance, etc.

Relying in the power of love frustrates more than anything else because they're usually the last to proactively solve any problem. I've been with guys who simply thought that if they believed in our relationship things would work out. No. You have to be a problem solver. And it doesn't mean you have to do this decision-making without feeling, but you certainly can't live and die with your rose-colored glasses on either.

My father almost financially ruined my family. He secretly racked up tens of thousands of dollars in credit debt on online prostitution, stupid gadgets, etc. When my mom found out she got ride of him and he just continued to spiral. We tried an ultimatum but he couldn't keep it together. So she divorced him and my family is so much better for it.

[FeelingCalledL]

This is why a lot of marriages don't work. Believe it or not, it has to be based on more than just love. You have to also be compatible in the right areas: life goals (want kids/no kids?, travel and adventure?, where do you want to settle down?), being honest about your spending habits and trying to find some balance, etc.

Relying in the power of love frustrates more than anything else because they're usually the last to proactively solve any problem. I've been with guys who simply thought that if they believed in our relationship things would work out. No. You have to be a problem solver. And it doesn't mean you have to do this decision-making without feeling, but you certainly can't live and die with your rose-colored glasses on either.

My father almost financially ruined my family. He secretly racked up tens of thousands of dollars in credit debt on online prostitution, stupid gadgets, etc. When my mom found out she got ride of him and he just continued to spiral. We tried an ultimatum but he couldn't keep it together. So she divorced him and my family is so much better for it.

Although I would hate to be in your bf position, and I don't think it is right to compare spending money on online prostitution with spending money on you, still it's really nice to hear the opinion of people who think differently than me.

And just for the record ofcourse love alone cannot work. But somebody who behaves like what you describe doesn't love his family. So we cannot even talk about love in that case.

[lahnnabell]

Although I would hate to be in your bf position, and I don't think it is right to compare spending money on online prostitution with spending money on you, still it's really nice to hear the opinion of people who think differently than me.

And just for the record ofcourse love alone cannot work. But somebody who behaves like what you describe doesn't love his family. So we cannot even talk about love in that case.

There isn't a direct correlation between my boyfriend spending money and my dad indulging in online prostitution. I was just using it as an example to show that yeah, sometimes money ruins people/relationships. I adore my boyfriend, and I would hope that if I were making bad decisions that didn't benefit us as a couple that he would give me an ultimatum too. Doesn't just have to do with spending money. It has to do with all issues that couples face together. They need to work as a team, and a lot of the time one or both forget they're supposed to be on the same side.

If I were supposed to be okay with him blowing his money, then that would be equivalent to shooting myself in the foot. It's called being accountable and taking responsibility, which is something all adults need to know how to do.

Put yourself in the situation. You find out your boyfriend just ran up a $200 tab at the bar last night which was money you were supposed to use to get the car tuned up next week. What do you do?