My boyfriend and I got together over two years ago. We were really happy and willing to make things work. The one thing that has always hindered our relationship was the amount of trust in the relationship. My boyfriend feels that I am too gorgeous to be dating him and worries about other men constantly. And on my part, it was always how he could never commit the amount of effort I put into our relationship. I sacrificed my studies and friends so willingly to just be with him and make him happy. I forgot about myself.
Close to our one year anniversary being a couple, we were constantly fighting about different things, mostly petty, young relationship things (aka our problems mentioned above). I remember not being sure if being in this relationship was really what I wanted. At the party after a few drinks, I ended up cheating on him after a big fight during one of my house parties (we don't live together). I told him the next day, and he was a complete wreck. We decided to try to make things work and things got a little better. We still argued a lot for the next several months, about the same old things: him being so worried about me and other men.
One of my biggest problems with our relationship is that my room mates are my two close friends. They've seen everything go down and heard all of my relationship woes. They try to help, but I don't always follow their advice.
Five months after I had cheated, we got into another huge fight. At this point, I had still been putting everything to do with him first, and anything to do with me last. I had lost myself. I ended up depressed, and realized he was not reciprocating my love. I knew he loved me though, so I stayed. I found it hard to tell him I loved him anymore too. I ended up cheating on him once again after this blowout fight and many drinks and felt terrible. But told the guy that I didn't want to ruin my relationship and to leave as soon as possible. The next day, I ended things with my boyfriend and said that it wasn't permanent and told him that when he learns what he needs to do to make things work, we can fix things together. I couldn't muster the strength to tell him what i had done the other night, and figured it wasn't worth destroying his heart even more.
We ended up back together and things have been better since. Another five months have passed and we recently got into ANOTHER big fight, which was bad because it was a drunken fight at another one of my parties. I did not cheat on him, I'm completely done with that. I want to make things work with him. But now my room mates are really upset with us and can't seem to see how the hell we stay together. We have worked things out and things are only looking up after that big fall. I do love him after all of this, although I may not say it very much. We have both been damaged by the things that we've put upon each other, but one thing no one understands is the amount of real effort and communication we have behind closed doors in order to make us work. He knows everything I have to say about our relationship, and vice-versa. The only thing he doesn't know is this one painful detail.. Both situations were drunken one night stands. Anyway, my room mates aren't talking to me anymore. My one roomie just came up to me a few hours ago and told me she doesn't want to deal with us anymore and that I should tell him about the last time I cheated asap.. Even though we are just recuperating from our recent fight. After everything that my boyfriend and I have been through and fought for and all the positivity that came from it, the guilt from that one night has dissipated. Mostly..
I don't want to tell him because for every step forward that we make, something always brings us three steps back. This will be another one. I don't think he will end things, but I really don't want to injure his spirit anymore. I want us to keep moving forward. We have had several big fights, but we always stay together. After my episodes, I've realized he isn't worth losing and I finally got myself together enough to know that I don't want any other men in my life. My roommates were my close friends, but they don't support us anymore. We both want to make things between the two of us work. I can't see this ending our relationship because of how much we want things to work.. But I can definitely see it bringing us down a LOT.
I hope someone can give me some words of wisdom, or advice. I really don't know what to do. A part of me wants to tell him only to make my room mates see how serious I am about the relationship. But I shouldn't need to prove that to them, or care so much about what they think, since I myself know I'm serious about my relationship without having to tell him. I just want to let you know that I don't intend to end things, even though I'm aware that my relationship is rough. I simply want things to work because I know there's more to us than the fights and negativity. Like any relationship, we have a lot of great times too.
Please help.. Thanks so much.