learning about an affair by reading her journal... what to do

[devonbrown]

My thought is this - if you read her journal you had some trust issues with her in the first place. I have a feeling that this situation is more convoluted than just a one-time affair and/or some texting. It sounds like you do not trust your girlfriend (seemingly justified) and she seems to be looking to others for affection.

I don't know what would be gained by confronting her about it. You aren't going to believe anything she tells you anyway. Just end the relationship and move on.

[Taiyed]

Thanks everyone... I should have mentioned that it is a long-distance relationship too, and we see each other about every 2 weeks. So, it's possible (likely) that she is seeking attention/affection that she is not getting on a daily basis. All of this certainly makes for a challenging situation to say the least.

I'm leaning toward confronting her, and then depending on how she reacts I could potentially see getting counseling so we can better manage the long-term relationship until we are able to live in the same city/house (if we get to that point).

Oddly enough I think I was trying to find out how horrible it was for me to read her journal. But, as wakeup said, it is probably the least of my worries at this point.

It is tempting to write in a journal that read her journal and found out, then leave it on the same night stand. Then if (when) she reads it, she wouldn't have that component to hold against me. Ugghhh... that "kicked in the stomach" feeling sucks.

Any more thoughts?

[Wakeup]

Yes, one more. I think People who are in a relationship and leave things that are not done with their S.O. Like: sex texting on their phone, cam chat sessions in their computer history, flirty and romantic emails open, and journals outlining an affair... subconsciously want to be caught. People who truly want this hidden erase all traces. So just tell her "I think you left this out for me to find." Just a thought.

Don't let her reverse the conversation so that the topic is about you snooping. Just halt that by not responding to any attempts to make it the focus. Keep the focus on the affair and what you're both going to decide to do with one another.

Another thing: One's privacy and keeping secrets are two completely different things. Obviously you had some inkling, some red flag rearing reason to snoop however; She is intitled to her privacy as you know, as are you.

[IndiReloaded]

Heres teh problem... You are all assuming she DID cheat... the journal is NOT proof of anything. IF you decide you are gonna dump her.. make sure you have evidence of the affair... although to me it sounds like she did cheat and is STILL cheating (from the fact that she still talking to this dude via txts)

However, just make sure before you do anything brash.. which is why you should mention something

You can't be serious. She wrote down that she had an affair in a private journal.

Yes, that's proof.

LOL, Dark. And I suppose that if he had walked in on them doing the dirty there is always the chance its just a really well-done hologram projected from a hidden camera??

OP - your only decision before you confront her is whether or not you are going to stay with her. Tho, the fact she is still in contact w/this guy isn't good. Its not like a one-night stand, which would almost be better. This isn't about her, you already know her moral stance--she's a cheater AND a liar, considering she never confessed and is still in contact w/this guy. For some, the lying is worse than the cheating b/c it takes away the decision of the person being cheated on to decide whether to stay or not. So, this is really about you and what you are prepared to live with. Or not. Good luck.

[MerryH]

Oddly enough I think I was trying to find out how horrible it was for me to read her journal.

Pretty horrible, in my opinion. It's not only disrespectful and a violation of her privacy, but it's a sign that you don't fully trust her. I think a relationship is pretty much broken if you have to resort to snooping to get answers.

But you don't seem to even be considering breaking up with her, so come clean about reading her journal, apologize, tell her what you learned, sit back and take it as she gets really angry at you (she's likely going to blame you somehow for cheating, have fun with that) and then you can suggest couples counseling.

[smackie9]

This why LDRs don't work most of the time......it leaves one lonely and unsatisfied. Being absent from each other makes it way to easy to cheat and get away with it.

[KingZ]

Pretty horrible, in my opinion. It's not only disrespectful and a violation of her privacy, but it's a sign that you don't fully trust her. I think a relationship is pretty much broken if you have to resort to snooping to get answers.

But you don't seem to even be considering breaking up with her, so come clean about reading her journal, apologize, tell her what you learned, sit back and take it as she gets really angry at you (she's likely going to blame you somehow for cheating, have fun with that) and then you can suggest couples counseling.

This made me laugh heartily.