He doesn't want a relationship, I do...

[ADK11]

I've been seeing this guy for a few months. We have great chemistry, he openly tells me (without me initiating any of it) he loves spending time with me, wants me to come around more, that I'm beautiful, etc... But he has also said that he's not really trying to get into a relationship. I understand he's been hurt recently, and so have I, but I don't see the point in spending time together if it's not going anywhere. Is he just confused and maybe I should stick around? Or should I go with my gut and try to find a way to tell him that if this isn't going anywhere I'm going to date other people?

[ctr916]

Can you explain what you mean by a "relationship"? In my opinion, a booty call relationship and friends with benefits relationship are forms of relationships; so, from that perspective, you already have a relationship. If you want a "monogamous" relationship or else, you may not be trying to be a friend with benefits. Why not try and see where it leads? Has he claimed he wants you to be monogamous without offering a monogamous relationship?

[ADK11]

Basically what I'm looking for is the understanding that we aren't seeing other people at the moment and that though it may not get serious right away we are committed to seeing where things go and just trying to enjoy each other.( I don't see the point of spending close intimate moments with a guy unless I am someones girlfriend, or truly might be in the near future.) We aren't currently having sex, but have in the past, and we still cuddle/sleep (actually sleep) together/hang out alone and with friends, and he still tells me he misses me when I'm not around etc... He hasn't asked that I don't see other people but I know he has been cheated on in his last relationship and I'm sure it's a big thing for him. Also I'm just not that type of person. I truly see something in this guy and I feel like he's just testing me for some reason...He said he's always been in relationships and right now he's just not trying to do that....but he's sending complete mixed signals.

[Wakeup]

But he has also said that he's not really trying to get into a relationship.

Hear those words and take them at face value. If you want to be his exclusive girlfriend who he has strings to then you are not the girl. Any man who saw you as relationship material would not say those words to you because they're just too hard to take back.

I think you have a right to ask for sexual exclusivity as there is too man STD's out there for y'all to be sharing but, don't expect him to marry you or live with you while he be's exclusive. Hell, don't even expect him to agree, but you do owe it to yourself to ask.

but he's sending complete mixed signals.

No, you're interpreting his signals as more than what he has promised to you. Just because he doesn't want a relationship and have to answer to you, it does not mean that he wants to give up the feel good actions that come with sexually bonding with a member of the opposite sex. In fact, the more you've bonded the better non-committed lover you will make.

If you want to **** like a man then you have to think like one. They don't let sex make them fall in love like so many woman do... They can separate sex from love much better than we. If you want to stay in a non-committed relationship of casual sex with this man then you're going to have to stop the love-like bonding before and after sexual hook ups. Screw and get dressed, chat and say goodbye until next time. No bonding rituals allowed for you.

[ctr916]

Basically what I'm looking for is the understanding that we aren't seeing other people at the moment and that though it may not get serious right away we are committed to seeing where things go and just trying to enjoy each other.( I don't see the point of spending close intimate moments with a guy unless I am someones girlfriend, or truly might be in the near future.) We aren't currently having sex, but have in the past, and we still cuddle/sleep (actually sleep) together/hang out alone and with friends, and he still tells me he misses me when I'm not around etc... He hasn't asked that I don't see other people but I know he has been cheated on in his last relationship and I'm sure it's a big thing for him. Also I'm just not that type of person. I truly see something in this guy and I feel like he's just testing me for some reason...He said he's always been in relationships and right now he's just not trying to do that....but he's sending complete mixed signals.

How much time to believe is sufficient time to make a decision regarding wanting a monogamous relationship? What would be the difference if there were no "time limit" for a friend with benefits relationship, if you were both willing to be friends?

[ADK11]

No, you're interpreting his signals as more than what he has promised to you. Just because he doesn't want a relationship and have to answer to you, it does not mean that he wants to give up the feel good actions that come with sexually bonding with a member of the opposite sex. In fact, the more you've bonded the better non-committed lover you will make.

If you want to **** like a man then you have to think like one. They don't let sex make them fall in love like so many woman do... They can separate sex from love much better than we. If you want to stay in a non-committed relationship of casual sex with this man then you're going to have to stop the love-like bonding before and after sexual hook ups. Screw and get dressed, chat and say goodbye until next time. No bonding rituals allowed for you.

At first I did take it for what it was worth. I completely backed off, wasn't ignoring him, but also wasn't pressing the idea of getting together. We only had sex once and I'm not really interesting in a FWB relationship. Id rather explore other options with someone else. I personally think its weird that guys will say things that they know will make a girl happy to hear and not expect said girl to think something of it. All in all the person I'm most honest with is myself, I'm definitely just glad to get an opinion on the things he's been saying/doing that confuse the hell out of me! And I thought women were confusing!!!

[IncognitoSir]

He's not confusing at all. You just want something (relationship) and he doesn't. You confuse "I love spending time with you, and hanging out with you" with I want a relationship with you. Like wakeup said, he has been rather clear with you. You just have to face it, he does not want a relationship right now and you do. It would be best you go find someone else to start a relationship with. Let's be real though, you think he's a great guy huh? Think he might be worth sticking around for to see what happens down the line? He may be a great guy, maybe the guy of your dreams, who knows, but he's not in a position to be in a relationship right. Accept that, remain simply friends or move on. These are your choices.

[Henry123]

Basically what I'm looking for is the understanding that we aren't seeing other people at the moment and that though it may not get serious right away we are committed to seeing where things go and just trying to enjoy each other.( I don't see the point of spending close intimate moments with a guy unless I am someones girlfriend, or truly might be in the near future.) We aren't currently having sex, but have in the past, and we still cuddle/sleep (actually sleep) together/hang out alone and with friends, and he still tells me he misses me when I'm not around etc... He hasn't asked that I don't see other people but I know he has been cheated on in his last relationship and I'm sure it's a big thing for him. Also I'm just not that type of person. I truly see something in this guy and I feel like he's just testing me for some reason...He said he's always been in relationships and right now he's just not trying to do that....but he's sending complete mixed signals.

Hi ADK11
You just have to put a time period for this. If there is no relationship by then just move on.
You might want to talk to him about you wanting to see other people. At least he knows where you stand.
He has to make a decision here or you'll leave. Once again give it a reasonible time period dear.

[girl68]

when did he last say "no relationship?"

if it was just recently I think you should speak up and go with your gut.

[ctr916]

I personally think its weird that guys will say things that they know will make a girl happy to hear and not expect said girl to think something of it.

How many guys can actually use honesty as a form of respect toward fellow human beings and still expect to receive sex, if that honesty as a form of respect toward that fellow human being, is not what she wanted to hear and be "enabled" or encouraged by it? I wouldn't call women "weird" for doing what they routinely do, even if it is a form of cognitive dissonance which could result from a subscription to forms of fallacy and not better "interpreting" some metrics in our objective, "market" based reality.

[ctr916]

At first I did take it for what it was worth. I completely backed off, wasn't ignoring him, but also wasn't pressing the idea of getting together. We only had sex once and I'm not really interesting in a FWB relationship. Id rather explore other options with someone else. I personally think its weird that guys will say things that they know will make a girl happy to hear and not expect said girl to think something of it. All in all the person I'm most honest with is myself, I'm definitely just glad to get an opinion on the things he's been saying/doing that confuse the hell out of me! And I thought women were confusing!!!

I have found that the more money is involved the more I can be honest for sex.

[lahnnabell]

WakeUp and Incognito are right. You are looking for something that isn't there. A guy is perfectly able to enjoy time with you, but not want a relationship. Just like the way I love Chinese food, but I can't eat it every damn night. There's pretty much nothing you can do that will make him suddenly want a relationship, so I think you should start seeing other guys. Don't trick yourself into thinking that because this guy is so great that he's the one for you. Girls make this mistake all the time.

[HeartIsAching]

At first I did take it for what it was worth. I completely backed off, wasn't ignoring him, but also wasn't pressing the idea of getting together. We only had sex once and I'm not really interesting in a FWB relationship. Id rather explore other options with someone else. I personally think its weird that guys will say things that they know will make a girl happy to hear and not expect said girl to think something of it. All in all the person I'm most honest with is myself, I'm definitely just glad to get an opinion on the things he's been saying/doing that confuse the hell out of me! And I thought women were confusing!!!

Where did he do that? You said he told you that he's not interested in a relationship. He also said that he likes spending time with you. These are not mutually exclusive.

You're interpreting what he said to mean something entirely different, to suit yourself. Don't get all pissed off when reality clashes with fantasy.

[ctr916]

WakeUp and Incognito are right. You are looking for something that isn't there. A guy is perfectly able to enjoy time with you, but not want a relationship. Just like the way I love Chinese food, but I can't eat it every damn night. There's pretty much nothing you can do that will make him suddenly want a relationship, so I think you should start seeing other guys. Don't trick yourself into thinking that because this guy is so great that he's the one for you. Girls make this mistake all the time.

I agree. And, in modern times and with modern women, men can definitely, never have enough girl friends with benefits.

I don't mind reimbursing some girl friends with benefits for travel expenses when I have a petty cash fund for that purpose.

[ctr916]

Where did he do that? You said he told you that he's not interested in a relationship. He also said that he likes spending time with you. These are not mutually exclusive.

You're interpreting what he said to mean something entirely different, to suit yourself. Don't get all pissed off when reality clashes with fantasy.

So, what hobbies could they pursue together when they aren't with someone else?