is what i did really so bad? confused and need advice!

[confused bloke]

Good day ladies,

ok so i made my girlfriend mad and i dont know why! shes given me her reasons but i'm still left scratching my head thinking WTF? and i could use your advice please. its gonna be a bit long winded but please bare with me.

bit of background info. been seein R for around 14 months and still very much in love. its a long distance relationship but i dont think thats an issue...at least not directly. we see each other every fortnight, she has kids and so do i both of which from previous relationships. she is 36 and i am 32.

the issue.
ok i know im gonna be a little biased but i shall try not to be and give a true unbiased account.

it is an issue that has popped its ugly head up on several occasions and from the start i'll hold my hand up and take the blame for it. i travel from manchester to kent (aprox 260 miles) to cut costs i travel by coach rather than train. journey takes around 6-7 hours each way. i do all the travelling as my job allows me to take off time regularly which means we get to spend more time together.

occasionally i dont get to have my kids on the weekend (the weekend i dont see R) which leaves me at a loose end. since our relationship began I dont get to see much of my friends and so when i get a spare weekend i go to my local boozer which is where we all hang out. its just a bunch of sweaty hairy blokes drinking beer and smokin cigs. shes met them all and knows what its like.

on these occasions and especially as i dont drink as regular as i did in my younger years i get pretty plastered. on several occasions i have gone home (alone) and not sent a txt message letting her know im home safely. i know i should and i really do try to not screw it up but i keep falling asleep before i send the text. hey...i was drunk, its easy done.

so saturday just gone was one of these occasions. and yup, despite promissing i would, i did it again i really am genuinely sorry. i swear on my kids lives i never cheated on her...not once.

so as a punishment (she says its not a punishment but i cant think of any reason how its not) she ignored my texts all day (around 5 messages) im pretty used to that now as thats happened a few times now. any how, i spoke to her today and apologised some more. she said shes not bothered if i do or not bow coz shes gotten used to it (so if shes not bothered why ignore me and fall out with me?) sh also claims that in the early days of our relationship she wanted me to text her when im home after a night out coz of the distance and for all she knew i may be gettin off with some other girl but now thats not the case and she trusts me (which i dont believe). if she truely does trust me why does she need a text to know im home (alone) and even if i did text her what does that prove anyway?

so we argued about it a bit and now she is sayin she doesnt want me to go down there thos weekend coz she wants a weekend to herself.

sounds fair enough really i guess especially as i get weekends to myself now and then. that being said....when i do get a weekend to myself my first choice would be to see her. its not always possible for one reason or another and i honestly arent bothered about goin to the pub id much rather see my lady anyday. she says she was gonna do that anyway even if i hadnt gone out. i

so ok missing one weekend dont seem all that bad right? i disagree...itd gonna be horrible not seeing her this time and to top it all off fue to one reason or another if i dont go this time its gonna be 5 weeks before i can go again...kids birthdays n things etc.

i know i should of text her i know id probablly feel the same...if not worse as shes not interested in going out. shes only been out once in all the time ive known her.

id also like to add that on a very frequent basis she falls asleep without saying goodnight to me (without the effects of alcohol). part of my arguement is how is this different from what i do? she claims its different coz she has the kids there and cant possibly be getting up to no good but occasionally the kids dad has them over night during the week. why is her imagination allowed to run wild with thoughts of me cheating on her but mine is not? surely wot she does is the same??

have i really done anything wrong to deserve being treated this way? i cant bare the thought of not seeing her for 6 weeks. longest apart i about four and we both hated it so much. what should i do? please help

[Wakeup]

It doesn't matter who is right or who is wrong. What matters is who is happy and how much effort would it take to make her happy? She's not asking you to not go out with your friends, she's not getting angry because you go out with them, she's simply asking you to give her a quick text when you're home because for some unfathomiable reason known only to her, it makes her feel less angst filled to know that you're alive after a night of beers and cigs with the guys. Why can't you just text her BEFORE you pass out. Have it all ready and typed in and everything "hi doll, I'm home safe and sound." and just push send before your head hits the floor.. er.. pillow?

It's just so simple a concession to make.

[confused bloke]

yes its amazing how the simplest of things aint that simple when your 3 sheets to the wind. do women just not get drunk or something? and how is it she can do it any time age likes? like i say just coz she has kids doesnt mean she cant get a sitter and go meetin a guy? why can she be paranoid and i cant. i know for a fact its not concern that i got hurt....despite her denial she thinks i got off with some girl.

do all women have 1 rule for themselves and another rule for their men?

[HeartIsAching]

Her request isn't unreasonable - but her reaction is.

She's punishing you for not complying. I'd be gone so fast her head would spin.

[qwertz]

She is being unreasonable. If she wants to have her silly little tantrum (and thats what it is) then let her, go out with your friends and have fun. You should also tell her that you will speak to her the next morning and that you cannot promise to text that night. If she doesnt trust you then if you have given her no reason not too, its her problem not yours.

[confused bloke]

Her request isn't unreasonable - but her reaction is.

She's punishing you for not complying. I'd be gone so fast her head would spin.

if only it was that simple to walk away from the girl you love.

i hear what your saying about her request not being unreasonable...i agree. in a long distance relationship when you dont get to see eachother as often as you like i think its selfish. time together is pecious....if i lived in the same town no problem.

[confused bloke]

She is being unreasonable. If she wants to have her silly little tantrum (and thats what it is) then let her, go out with your friends and have fun. You should also tell her that you will speak to her the next morning and that you cannot promise to text that night. If she doesnt trust you then if you have given her no reason not too, its her problem not yours.

whew! somebody agrees with me! you a guy by any chance lol?

[Wakeup]

yes its amazing how the simplest of things aint that simple when your 3 sheets to the wind. do women just not get drunk or something? and how is it she can do it any time age likes? like i say just coz she has kids doesnt mean she cant get a sitter and go meetin a guy? why can she be paranoid and i cant. i know for a fact its not concern that i got hurt....despite her denial she thinks i got off with some girl.

do all women have 1 rule for themselves and another rule for their men?

I thought this was about her wanting you to text her that you were home safe and you not doing that. Now you're saying it's about jealousy and paranoia. Neither of you sound right for each other or sober enough for a proper relationship to flourish. Find some bird at your local pub and go home with her drunk... Least that way you'll both be happy and not trying to out-power one another like you are in this sinking ship.

if only it was that simple to walk away from the girl you love.

I'm thinking if its so hard for you to walk away from her because you love her then you'd effing text her when you got home. It's okay though, she'll be making it easy for you and She'll be walking away from you soon enough.

She's punishing you for what you didn't do. Either accept it until she gets over it and calls on you because she misses you or do what she asks and text her when you get home. It's a silly power struggle that has both of you upset and filled with angst. Fix it or nix it.

Is she being unreasonable? Yes. Are you being stubborn about it? Yes.

I'm all for telling a woman "NO way" when she's being unreasonable in her requests but asking you to call when you get home is not unreasonable and if it keeps her happy then wtf wouldn't you do it if for nothing else to avoid this bullshit again?

whew! somebody agrees with me!

And I have to ask: Just how does that resolve your dilemma?

i hear what your saying about her request not being unreasonable...i agree. in a long distance relationship when you dont get to see eachother as often as you like i think its selfish. time together is pecious....if i lived in the same town no problem.

Awesome! So what will you do?

[IndiReloaded]

Well, imagine the situation reversed: you know she goes out to get drunk and then doesn't contact you so you have no clue if she is safe or not.

Logically, its a silly point: not like she could DO anything if you weren't home safe. But what if you had a kid together and she needed to know where you are. That is when these kinds of issues get messy.

I'm married to a forgetful man. Didn't matter before kids: go to a conference, forgot to send me the info, no problem. You come home alive or you don't.

The moment we had kids it became an issue (now resolved). Depends on the level of 'need to know', I think.

[staticline]

I think it might be important to point out here that whether you thought it a reasonable request or not, you agreed to it and then didn't follow up in practice.

You might be missing the point of her upset, you made a promise and then let her down. Then to put it right you made another one and let her down. This will have most women thinking, rightly or wrongly, "If I can't trust him with the little things, how can I trust him with the big things?". Especially since she has children, she might be looking for clues as to your sense of responsibility.

It's been said that she's throwing a tantrum, but I don't think this is necessarily the case. If you've let her down it makes sense that she will take some time out to think about it. Perhaps she feels hurt and doesn't want to have an argument. Perhaps she just wants a night out of her own.

In future bare in mind, if you find a request to be unreasonable or just impractical, don't agree to it, discuss it and find a compromise. After you've agreed to do something and failed to live up to a promise isn't the time to discuss how reasonable it is.

In the mean time, just try to eat some humble pie, let her know that you realise it's important to her even if it doesn't have the same significance to you, acknowledge that you've let her down. If you can suprise her by making your way down for a visit as a gesture of your caring, I bet that would go a long way. =)