I have been in a relationship for over a year now and I -- once a confident handsome young man who was never trapped, has become a needy, annoying, housemaid and financial supporter who is not respected by his girlfriend. I invaded her life and we agreed on being roommates but then I began to repair so many of her problems, forcing solutions that were not my business because I wanted to help, and soon became a useful tool that, as we entered into a relationship, was cheated on, lied too over and over, threatened by her boyfriends, let to do all housework, disregarded when I had important things to do, demonized behind my back, often ignored in my face, left alone on the Holidays, blamed, used as a scapegoat, laughed about, and disrespected by every man that came within three feet of my girlfriend.
She is very sexy and wanted by many guys. She never stands up for me when other men talk shit to me in front of her (not that she needs to but come on . . . ), desires their attention even at my expense, establishes easy friendships with men and has brought them into the house. She lies about her whereabouts and has brought me to the level of tracking her on the internet but will never admit anything even when I show her. I have begun to doubt myself, my mind, my ability as a boyfriend. She spends hours upon hours on the internet, no sex, then apologizes and does it again the next night. Her facial features and body language tell me she is annoyed with me but then becomes sweet when I may have caught her at an address she secretly went to. I have taken it, never been able to get her to consider me unless she tires of my complaining.
She defends even those who have never come to her rescue and downs me when I ask for recgonition in solving emergencies. There are so many signs and I am losing it. I know I am being used and I continue to try and let it all go so I will not feel affected by the great disrespect I have allowed. One of her lovers threatened to kill me by leaving a voice-mail and it came from a cell phone she had in her possession. She would not help me discover who it was. I love her very much and am very attracted to her. But she is not too interested in discovering deeper things about me sexually and I am embarresed to tell her. I wonder if she does those with other men.
I have lost all trust but am a fighter and will not sleek away, beaten. I want her and we have awesome sex but I am at a lost as to whether she will ever respect me as a man or if I will just be the necessary tool that needs some polishing from time to time and placed back in the shed. I don't think she is attracted to me because she only says it when she senses my mood about our relationship. I feel confused and am unsure of what to do. I try and talk to her and tell her the reality of how I see things but she only gets defensive and it is useless. I have accused her so many times of things -- a number of them not true -- that she may not truly even like me. But I am here and needed . . . does she truly want me or am I just Canon Fodder. I almost dont want her to know of this writing for knowledge she will feel sorry for me and once again try to tell me I am hot and sexy . . . but the words fall thin for I know they are just some band-aid for her and she may not actually believe that. Someone please help me figure out where I have gone wrong. It has taken over my life. I do not really believe she is actually interested in knowing about any fantasies I have or maybe even sex with me . . . I am just here. I do know she is tired of my bitching because we never spend any time together.