After 3 years: GF less into me the past weeks

[LoneWolfie]

The less you stop letting your life revolve around this relationship, the less dependent you'll be on her at all. Ideally, you want it to be a choice. You don't want to get stuck with someone for the next 30+ years just because they were too lazy to uproot themselves. You want to know that they made the best choice they could've made, for themselves and your relationship.

That's very true, though i am not sure if you are referring to me making the best choice i could have made, or my GF. Because she has met thousands of guys and so far still seems to think im the best out of them all. I have met a fair share of girls and most seem kinda shallow compared to her. Noone has ever been this devoted or nice to me, and it just melts my heart to a puddle of goo. (owh shit..now im getting romantic, i blame you lahnnabell!)

I want her to choose to be with me.
And i choose to be with her.

I think that's what you meant?

[lahnnabell]

Stop looking at it like this, "No one has ever been this nice to me!" This is the root of your dependence which says that you value her existence in your life far more than you value you yourself. You think you'd be less of a person without her. Right?

[LoneWolfie]

Stop looking at it like this, "No one has ever been this nice to me!" This is the root of your dependence which says that you value her existence in your life far more than you value you yourself. You think you'd be less of a person without her. Right?

I dont think so, i'd still be the same person. But i would get lonely after a while and would have to go through that whole merry-go-round of having to meet and find someone new.
Which for me could take years as i am not an outgoing person by nature.

[lahnnabell]

Well, you don't have to meet someone new right away. Your life doesn't stop because you don't have a girlfriend. You're far too focused on being coupled with someone. You seem to think that life would be less enjoyable if you didn't have a girlfriend. Plenty of good times to be had, girlfriend or no. You need to start discovering a life outside of this girl. I'm frickin' serious.

I mean, yes, eventually you'd meet someone new, but you let it happen at its own pace. And the merry go round should be fun! The excitement of getting to know someone new is wonderful. This is why I keep saying you draw your self-worth from your SO, because you do. You're relying on this girl's presence in your life to remind you that, "Oh, at least I've got someone in my life."

[LoneWolfie]

I draw my self-worth from who i am and what i have accomplished. I know i'm a damn good boyfriend to my girl. And i know darn well that i'm a worthy person, with or without a relationship. I don't have many friends but those that i do have like me for my sense of humor, laid back attitude and helpful nature. That is who i am, who i will stay, and what i am darn proud of.

I had a life without a girl for the first 24 years of my life, and i had lots of fun and happy times in those 24 years. I know im capable and i enjoy my hobbies and time spent with friends. I am all too familiar with life outside of this girl. But that dont take away the desire to want to share a life with someone. Which is a natural desire we all have, else we wouldnt be on this forum.

You are right that i seem naive, and very focused on being with my current girlfriend, and fussing about little things. Things arent going smoothly the past month or two and i want it to work out and fight for my relationship and not just give up when things get bumpy.

But i depend on myself for my happiness and selfworth. My girlfriend is not some trophy to indicate my succes. But i do love her very much and i want to make sure we're both happy together.

EDIT: My tone might seem hostile, but i respect your insight and help lahnnebell. I am just very determined to feel good about myself the way i am.

[lahnnabell]

No worries, I'm not offended. What kinds of things do you do that don't include your girlfriend?

[LoneWolfie]

No worries, I'm not offended. What kinds of things do you do that don't include your girlfriend?

Taking long relaxing walks or bikerides and enjoying solitude
Playing videogames solo
Chatting and/or playing videogames with online friends
Visiting friends or meeting them at pubs (Usually do this with my GF, but once or twice a month i go solo, my friends usually do the same. Boy's night out so to speak. My GF is ok with it as it is usually on a 'raid night' so she's busy anyway.)
Reading books
Listening to rock/metal music
Fixing computers for family/friends, or for strangers at a small charge.

Suddenly it feels like im on a online dating website. You're a nice lady lahnnabell, but the USA is a bit far away.

[lahnnabell]

Taking long relaxing walks or bikerides and enjoying solitude
Playing videogames solo
Chatting and/or playing videogames with online friends
Visiting friends or meeting them at pubs (Usually do this with my GF, but once or twice a month i go solo, my friends usually do the same. Boy's night out so to speak. My GF is ok with it as it is usually on a 'raid night' so she's busy anyway.)
Reading books
Listening to rock/metal music
Fixing computers for family/friends, or for strangers at a small charge.

Suddenly it feels like im on a online dating website. You're a nice lady lahnnabell, but the USA is a bit far away.

A lot of your activities seem to involve solo time. How about trying to get out and socialize more. Find a sport to play with some friends. Ultimate frisbee or something. My ex used to love just playing catch with one of his baseball buddies or they'd go to the batting cages. Get your blood pumping. Exercise increases your confidence, makes you feel good (endorphins), and keeps you in shape. You'll also learn to socialize because you'll be out meeting new people.

And this...

Usually do this with my GF, but once or twice a month i go solo, my friends usually do the same. Boy's night out so to speak. My GF is ok with it as it is usually on a 'raid night' so she's busy anyway.)

is what I'm talking about. Why should your GF ever be concerned about you going out alone or with friends? You don't have to answer to her. She goes out to clubs all the time without you. She SHOULD be perfectly fine with you spending time with boys at a bar or doing something guy-related. And so what if she stays home one night (not a raid night) and you go out without her? There's nothing wrong with that. You don't have to make room for her all the time, she has to do the same for you (which she's been really lax about).

[LoneWolfie]

You got the meaning why i added that part about my GF being ok with it wrong. It was in reference to me being ok with her going out with just her friends. I added it to show we are both doing it and being ok with it and it's not just one sided. But that in her case it's a moot point as she's usually busy anyway and will therefor not 'miss' any time we could be spending together. I obviously do not answer to her, but reading back it's easy to miss what i meant.

As for more social activities, i dont believe there is a 'set standard' you can hold up to everyone and say they need to be | | this social to be normal and happy. I am happy with the social interaction i get with others, going out more with my friends and not my GF is something that's possible but other than that it would feel forced on me and i wouldnt enjoy it. I've always been a bit more of a 'loner' than the average person i suppose, hench my username (i also like wolves a lot)

I recently also started jogging again which i forgot to add to the list, i also cycle pretty hard to get the blood pumping.

[lahnnabell]

I get why you added that information, but the way you worded it says more than what you intended to say.

Well, you guys seem to carry on fairly different lifestyles right now. And the parts of your life you do share are rather solitary activities (video gaming can be done together, but doesn't involve direct social interaction the same way having a conversation would) Either you can attempt to find some more outlets for yourself, or you can continue to be a loner and scrape together what quality time she'll give you. Your choice. Remember, you came here because you weren't happy with something. Don't be content to sweep matters under the rug.

[LoneWolfie]

I get why you added that information, but the way you worded it says more than what you intended to say.

Well, you guys seem to carry on fairly different lifestyles right now. And the parts of your life you do share are rather solitary activities (video gaming can be done together, but doesn't involve direct social interaction the same way having a conversation would) Either you can attempt to find some more outlets for yourself, or you can continue to be a loner and scrape together what quality time she'll give you. Your choice. Remember, you came here because you weren't happy with something. Don't be content to sweep matters under the rug.

Yeah i worded it wrong, i dont fault you for taking it the way i did NOT mean it.

Of course not every activity we do has the same social interaction as a conversation. But videogaming together does require a lot more social interaction than watching a movie together.

I have quality time on my own, i dont need social interaction all the time to have quality time. I find it odd you keep referring to social actitivy = fun time but doing something by yourself = sad loner.
I do need social activity, we humans are social creatures after all.

I remember why i came here, because i wonder if my relationship might be going downhill. The past days she has again been quiet and withdrawn, and it's kinda hard to shake the feeling that maybe she sometimes seems 'tuned out', but again other times she seems tuned in as usual again.

It's kinda been a rollercoaster ride the past weeks, and it's confusing.

[LoneWolfie]

Well, things went bad the past 24 hours....

After a few days of very little to no contact we got together and she seemed bothered by something again.

Turns out she wants to break up....


Her reasons being that:

- it would be for me in the long run
- it would be better for her in the long run
- she has grown further away from me and it scares her
- the pictures a girl sent me

A girl from my hometown i recently met asked me if i wanted to see some pictures of a proffessional lingerie photoshoot she did and was proud of. I found this a little forward and a bit unsettling but i shrugged and said 'why not'. She sent me the pictures and they were not that special, no see-through bras or anything, just slightly lacey bra and panties which didnt show more than the average bikini.

Wanting to be upfront and honest i told my girlfriend about the pics and showed them to her and voiced my discomfort about a girl sending me these kind of pictures while barely knowing me.
This upset my GF and was the 'spark' for her to tell me she has been feeling guilty about me moving with her when she moves to another country when she finishes uni (to get a dreamjob that's waiting for her there)
How it might ruin my life and she couldnt risk that, and how i would be better off dating that girl in my hometown.

I quote: "i dont want to make you move to another country, grow further apart and break up in 10 years time, i dont want to ruin your whole life. It that happened i would kill myself."

She also said that she didnt feel special after hearing how a random girl from my own hometown managed to send me pictures on day 1 while it took her a very long time before she did such things with me. And that everything she gives me, this new girl could also give me. She asked how i thought the girl looked and again trying to be honest i said she looked fairly sexy, but not as sexy as she looks.

She was a bit mad at me for accepting to view the pictures but got over that when i reminded her i came to her to be honest and upfront about it, and because i felt it was a bit inappropriate of me to do.
She said it normally would not have mattered and she would just have giving me an annoyed glare and be grumpy for a few minutes but that in this case, it made her realise she's nothing special and that moving to another country next year would lead to my life being ruined while i could just as well find happiness in my current location.

I asked her if there was any feelings for someone else or if something happened i didnt know about and she said she would tell me if that was the case but that she still loves me very much and there is noone else in play.

So...at the moment we are technically "on a break". She promised she wasnt going to date or sleep with anyone for the coming months because she wants to keep an open mind about the possibility of her changing her mind.

I told her her reasons for leaving me were unfounded and id be happy to take the risk of moving to another country for a new life (she has friends/family in that country so not a big move for her as she used to live there.)
I also added she is indeed special because i choose to be with her, not anyone else. That she's the girl i find most attractive and the only one i love and want to be intimate with.

But i couldnt change her feelings on the matter, so i told her id accept the break, and that if she changes her mind then maybe i'll be here for her, but if she starts to date or sleep with another guy, i'm out of her life permanently and wouldnt want to stay friends anymore and any regret in the future will be totally her own fault.

Looks like i am going to have to get social and do the merry-go-round after all if she doesnt stop being silly.

[lahnnabell]

Yeah, I figured things were gonna go this route. She's not happy dude. It's very clear she wants her life to head in a different direction from yours, and staying together doesn't make any sense.

I asked her if there was any feelings for someone else or if something happened i didnt know about and she said she would tell me if that was the case but that she still loves me very much and there is noone else in play.

So...at the moment we are technically "on a break". She promised she wasnt going to date or sleep with anyone for the coming months because she wants to keep an open mind about the possibility of her changing her mind.

This is the precursor to the official break up. Short-term breaks are usually passive-aggressive requests for space. She wants space to go and do her own thing without having to answer to you, which is kind of what she'd already asked for, but when you got upset she relented. Doesn't mean she has a guy on the side, it just means that she doesn't like having to validate her whereabouts to you and she wants more freedom.

I told her her reasons for leaving me were unfounded and id be happy to take the risk of moving to another country for a new life (she has friends/family in that country so not a big move for her as she used to live there.)
I also added she is indeed special because i choose to be with her, not anyone else. That she's the girl i find most attractive and the only one i love and want to be intimate with.

What is the purpose of uprooting your life for her? Do you have any job prospects in this foreign country, or is she going to be taking care of you? Sounds like she's worried about those things and most likely doesn't want that responsibility. I think she knows that she'll resent you for it. You're willing to possibly screw up your life for a very uncertain future with a woman who has plans that don't really include you.

But i couldnt change her feelings on the matter, so i told her id accept the break, and that if she changes her mind then maybe i'll be here for her, but if she starts to date or sleep with another guy, i'm out of her life permanently and wouldnt want to stay friends anymore and any regret in the future will be totally her own fault.

Looks like i am going to have to get social and do the merry-go-round after all if she doesnt stop being silly.

She's not being silly, she's being realistic. You should make the break already because waiting around is only going to hurt more. Even if you do get back together, what is this space from you going to prove? Especially when you're going to be waiting around for her to call. You'll be back at square 1 before you know it. Sorry, dude.

[LoneWolfie]

I know Lahnnabell, i am using the coming months to prepare myself for the eventual break. After a short grieving period ill get out there and meet girls and forget about her. That's why i made it clear to her i MAYBE here for if she comes back with her tail between her legs. And i also made it clear im friends with her, like she requested, until she decides to date or sleep with others because i'm not stupid enough to hurt myself by sticking around and watching her be happy with someone taking my place. This resulted in a visible "owh...crap O_O" reaction from her.

The thing is Lahnnabell, i have said many times to her that moving to this other country would be a great adventure and i would save up money and get my own appartment and job when i move over. I am in the IT so international job switches are pretty common. I get an offer about once every few months, both countries are in the EU so the paperwork would be minimal. I will be able to support myself when we move. And i love the country we are moving to. This concern of hers seems so alien and bizarre.

As for screwing up my life, if after 2-3-6 years we break up, i'll either stay in this new country and continue my life there, or move back to my home country and start new there. Either way i dont give a flying frak. I'm easy with that, i think i might have been a wandering minstrel or gypsy in a previous life.

I realise that she might be doing what she feels is the safest option and realistic if she doesnt want to carry on together anymore. It's just that i would rather just give it a shot and see where we end up then not try at all. And she mentioned she wants to be together and be happy but feels she cant because of the move and how she would feel un-special.

EDIT: she just told me she feels depressed she lost the thing she wanted teh most and cut herself to 'punish' herself for hurting me by breaking up. The cut is bloody but nothing that'll leave a scar or endanger her life atm. It shocked me that this seemed to slam her full back into her depression she has been working so hard to get out of the past years. I am going to advice her to see her therapist again tomorrow.

[lahnnabell]

Well, I'm glad you considered all those details. Sounds like she wants a break to see what else she can find. She probably gets the attention of men at the clubs and perhaps wants to be free to experiment with that in a situation where she knows word won't get back to you. Having made your statement though probably took away her freedom to stretch the truth to you.

It sucks, but it really looks like she's bored. She wants something different. While she's afraid of leaving the familiar, she's also equally afraid of staying in something that won't make her happy.