Some hangups about my girlfriend

[SteveM]

Hi,
I'm a litle embarrassed to say some of this but I hope you understand. I dont mean to sound vain or like a dick but some stuff is on my mind so hoping someone can offer advice.

So I'm with my girlfriend around a year. Now she is very beautiful and I love her to bits. But a few things are bothering me. So some of it might sounds silly but its playing on my mind and its not like I want to stop seeing her but sometimes I wonder.

Ok so first thing...
Like I said, shes very beautiful, gorgeous face, lovely skin, gorgeous long hair and a body to die for. But, the dresses like a teenager a lot. Infact most of her clothes are just so old I think she has them since she was a teenager. She's started to make more effort when we go out and the times that she does, she's a knockout.
But often she just wears old clothes with very little style.
I work all day in a business in the city and the girls I see al day, well, I think they are often not as atractive as my girl but they wear such nice dressy clothes to work, after hours, lots of girls are wearing nice dresses and things out and about or to the pub or whereever but my girl just doesn't. It sounds aweful but I just find a nice sense of style very attractive, I'd never go after another girl or anything, I just find it bad that they draw my eye but my girl seems plain in comparision, which is silly because I'm thinking, "if my gf wore that skirt, I couldnt resist her", like that.
She got a new job after finishing her masters, not the same line of work as me but it's the usual, semi-formal type of place but she wears her studenty clothes and doesnt make much effort. I just think it doesnt make a good impression, I'm sure most of her co-workers dress appropriately.

Ok, so the 2nd thing...
Our sex life. It's good, sort of. I mean I love having sex with her but she doesn't really want to do much. I try to do nice and different things for her, and she seems to enjoy it but in the end she just wants me on top, the basic. I try to suggest other things but she just says no, that feels so good.
Besides that I think I do a lot just to "please her" in bed and make sure she's satisfied but is not very keen to reciprocate. Like this weekend, I was a little under the weather but we were in bed. She insisted I was on top but I was very tired. She came and I couldnt go much longer out of exhaustion. But she'll just lay there, the end, unless I run off to the bathroom to finish myself off which I'm not really gonna do.
She doesn't ever start things, she won't even kiss me much, just on the lips, she will hardly even touch me down there and I make sure I'm very hygenic and all that, she just doesnt seem to want to do it.
We have regular sex so its not bad in that way but sometimes it'd be nice if she took the lead a bit or tried to please me a little as I do for her rather than having to do all the work all the time. It gets a little frustrating. I like to be kissed and touched as much as she does.

Thirdly...
Protection. After a year we are still using comdoms, I'm not comfortable with that. I mean, I dont mind using them WITH another form of contraception. But after a year I don't feel good about it, comdoms alone are fine in the early months but once its more serious and people have sex regularly, I feel they are not enough, 99% effective is fine for a once off but for regular sex, well it only takes that 1%.
I've discussed it with her several times over the months and she's said she will be going to the doctors but nothing so far. Its getting frustrating and I'm very anxious about it.


Ok, so I'm sorry for sounding selfish and vain but she's a lovely girl and I dont want things going bad or simple issues but they are difficult to discuss and I dont know if there is anything I can do about it really, which makes life with her a little difficult.

[pisces25]

The second two points you need to discuss with her and tell her how you feel about this.

The first point you should probably try and let this go or examine WHY you feel the need to have your GF dressed like everyone else. If she is comfortable wearing clothes like that then it is no big deal. And it is up to her boss to tell her if she isn't dressed appropriately for her job, not you. If you are attracted to girls that have a sense of style why were you attracted to your GF in this first place? Also she probably feels ok with what she wears and doesn't want to waste her money on expensive clothes just to look good for other people, particularly if she is happy and secure in her relationship. Not all girls want to enter the competition of who can look the best or who can have the nicest clothes. There is more important things to spend money on.

Do you consider yourself to be 'stylish' or do you just expect women to be? If the latter is the case maybe you need to dump your GF and get a trophy girlfriend if it is the former maybe find somemore more compatible with your views on the necessity of being stylish.

[MerryH]

First thing: You could buy her some nice clothes or take her shopping. Give lots of compliments and make her feel pretty. Maybe she'll wear that stuff a lot more if she feels pretty in it and knows that you appreciate it.

Second thing: If you're too tired to have sex, then don't have sex. And if you're getting it on the regular, you don't have all that much room to complain. But, again, compliment her. Make her feel sexy and desirable. Might help, might not.

Third thing: I commend you for being concerned with this, but if you're not comfortable with your current method of contraception, then stop having sex until you are. It sucks, but you have to be responsible for yourself. You can't really force her to start taking the pill or whatever. So why don't you take yourself to the doctor and find out what other methods you can personally use.

[Cerby]

I think you should research how contraceptive statistics work. Condoms are about 97% effective when use exactly as instructed.

This doesn't mean that 3% of every time you have sex you might get pregnant, if that were the case, then there would be a lot more unplanned pregnancies, and condoms (or comdoms as you call them) would be under fire. This stat is taken over a year period of normal sexual activity. This means there is only a 3% chance each YEAR the condoms will fail.

They're proven effective and you shouldn't have to worry about it. Put her on the pill and ditch the condoms, its totally worth it.

[Superfantastich]

Some women simply cannot take the pill due to blood pressure, weight gain, depression etc. Has she ever been on it?

[iloveyouboth]

Have you ever communicated your problems/opinions to her at all during the one year you've been with her?

A healthy relationship requires good communication. And if she gets butt hurt when you communicate your honest opinions with her (mind you, there are nice ways of saying things too) then she probably isn't worth your time.

[bulrush]

I doubt your gf will change her sex habits even if you talk to her. She might get hurt or resentful if she feels inadequate. Better to find another girl.

Better yet, figure out if she's good in bed before getting emotionally engaged. Or resolve all deal-breaking issues before getting too emotional.

[lahnnabell]

1. I can understand both view points on this. There are few reasons this can be frustrating for your girlfriend.
A. Your girlfriend is simply more comfortable wearing clothes that allow her to move and engage with her environment better. I was the same way throughout college, and I'm still quite similar, but I've learned how to make accommodations for my jobs and simply to embrace my maturity (I'm 26). I love jeans, flip-flops, and comfy T's, however, the look isn't rather stereotypically feminine. I realized after a time that my boyfriends did appreciate when I wanted to look extra nice and so the idea of dressing up a bit more grew on me. I still wore jeans, but started buying jeggings so that they fit like a glove and would show off my curves. I wore soft, flowy tops that weren't too revealing, or I'd layer things.

B. Mixing and matching can be a pain in the ass. Creating looks and developing style takes time. It certainly didn't happen for me in one weekend. I had to figure out my likes and dislikes, THEN I had to go and find what I was looking for. Guys have it fairly easy because they can pull mix and match shirts, suits, and pants together really quickly and many of these items are easy enough to get tailored. Women need to buy certain cuts, lengths, and colors. And your girlfriend has the added frustration of trying to find styles that cross between dressy and casual so that she can be comfortable. I bet you she doesn't even know where to start. Example: For a long time I would agonize over jean shopping because my back is very long, I have a tiny waist and larger hips, with a very small ass. Jeans either fit me in my hips but are too big in the thighs, crotch, ass, or they're too tight and I can't get them past my thighs. This is why jeggings are so valuable to me.

C. It costs money to overhaul your wardrobe. Perhaps if you were to offer to help her shop for some of these things, she'd be more inclined to vamp up her style. I have a huge list of stuff that I want in my closet, but I have to go little by little. New shoes this paycheck, couple of new shirts next paycheck, wish list the make-up for my birthday, etc. I think you should take her to the mall one day. Tell her you want her opinion on some shirts, but don't tell her you're going for her. However, when you go, be on the look out for stuff that you'd like to see her in. Make a casual comment like, "You would look sooo good/sexy/hot/beautiful in that! What do you think?" See what she says before you jump off the deep end and potentially insult her.

2. How much of an issue is the sex? I'm wondering if she has confidence issues that affect her in more than one area (confidence in how to dress herself, confidence in how to initiate sex). Her feeling desirable is very much a part of how she feels about the way she looks. If she doesn't like it, then she won't feel sexy enough to want to have sex. Get what I'm saying? I'm wondering if maybe 1 & 2 can be solved together...