Breaking Up

[Isotope22]

This girl and I just broke up after a 2 year relationship, and a very serious relationship at that. She started talking to this other guy in December, and started having feelings for him a couple months after that. We were talking about an open relationship for a long time, because she said she still loved me, but then last week she said that when he comes here, she wants to be exclusive with him. I can't help but feel like shit, as you might imagine, but with her being borderline and obsessive when it comes to people, it leads me to wonder if her feelings for this guy are 100% legit. She gets these strong feelings, but then she comes crashing down and tries to push him away. We never had any real problems in our relationship, but I keep thinking that her tunnel vision for this guy has clouded her judgment on our relationship and on this new romantic interest.
It's not the first time this has happened, she has had feelings for other guys exclusively over texts while we have been dating, but they all ended. We have basically been in an open relationship since this happened, although I was never interested in other girls. I'm just trying to figure out if this is those other guys all over again. If she wasn't the most amazing girl I have ever met, I would have ended this with the first guy, but I really wanted things to work out.

One of my major regrets is how clingy and invasive I got. I feel like I learned that from her. She would start getting pissed off at me for being too touchy-feely or wanting too much attention. I mainly did this because I was jealous of these other guys. I guess that was a sign I couldn't handle an open relationship with her, but I kept trying. I feel like all of this clinginess is what caused her to pull away.

I have been reading a lot about borderline relationships, and it seems like they are very toxic. The non-borderline individual in the relationship is usually left very broken. That's exactly how I feel. I have had many other relationships, and none of them were as long, or ended up like this one did. I felt like she was the right person, despite her obvious flaws. The relationship really changed me too, I almost feel like I put all of my energy into it, and now I'm left drained and I have nothing to show for it except a broken heart. She's basically kept me around for the past 8 or so months because she has an eating disorder and panic disorder and she was too scared to even make her own food or sleep alone. Basically she's been using me. She says she does enjoy my company and loves me, but just not romantically, and it has been that way for a while. All this being said, I had chances to leave and I didn't. I stayed around because I loved her and she never really told me to leave officially. I should've just left earlier to see what would happen, but now it had to come to this. I'm going to finally put distance between us, maybe she will see she made a mistake, or maybe not. She's so confusing and mysterious in her ways sometimes, which is part of what makes her attractive. I have never really had a chance to tell the whole story behind this, so that's why I'm doing a lot of venting on here.

I posted a part of this in another thread, but there was more to it.

I apologize if this is too long, but I have never really had a chance to talk about this with anyone. I almost feel like I can't talk to my friends IRL about it, because they'll call me an idiot for even staying with her, or a "pussy" for being so clingy and needy.

[Bo]

Let me get this straight, there were never any "real" problems in your relationship yet again and again she keeps cheating on you. Are you f*cking dillusional? And second of all she got some major issues eating and panic disorders? Those are problems that DON'T allow ppl to think rationally or be healthy in a relationship. Third, you said part of what makes her interesting is because she is so messed up, plz don't try to be the "HERO". It's such a tired story. Next.

[Isotope22]

I wasn't trying to be a hero... This is just how I feel. I do feel delusional, believe me. I don't consider it cheating, because she told me right away basically and she brought up the idea of an open relationship. I loved her enough to give it a shot, and I thought the jealousy would pass. She told me I was the main lover, the person she really loved and wanted to be with forever. So it wasn't truly cheating. That changed with this last guy though, when she thought she loved him, until today when she basically broke it off with him just today (she's tried pushing away before though, and always came crawling back), and this time it seems permanent.

[kageri]

I can't talk to my friends IRL about it, because they'll call me an idiot for even staying with her

There's obviously a good reason you think they would do that. Why do you think something different will happen on this forum?


I don't understand how people claim to love someone who acts like that. It really can't be love. I'm not sure what we should call it... Delusional and idiot are good starting points though.

I'm going to finally put distance between us, maybe she will see she made a mistake, or maybe not.

I'll be hoping for "not" just for your sake. Especially since I fail to see where this is a mistake. She outright says she does not have romantic feelings for you so that's probably never going to happen and uses you because she can't stand being alone while trying to get other guys. Those strong feelings that come and go are probably actually just the normal process of a girl finding other guys to date. Seen my sister do it plenty. Crush over a guy, obsess over guy (this stage is annoying because you can't hardly hold a conversation with her for weeks), try to pursue guy, realize guy has a very bad trait or isn't interested, and do things to make him go away while falling back on other guy she doesn't have romantic attachment to for sex and to avoid being alone until the next guy. She has no personality disorder. It's just a normal process for some. Unfortunately her best friend since kindergarten got to be one of those fall back on guys when she was having a rough patch of dating and then she ended up cheating on him since she never actually saw a long term relationship with him when he had been wanting it for years. It was the first time I have ever seen him mad. I thought he might actually take a swing at the other guy and she lost her life long friend. It wasn't one of her better judgement calls. I actually applaud him for turning her down when she went crawling back 5 years later despite still having feelings for her since they were friends and he crushed on her for so long.

[Isotope22]

Well borderline girls are just different. If she was a normal girl, her flirting with other guys would have sent me off. She gets attached to people very easily, whether or not she's in a relationship. All of her other love interested were completely over texts, which is easier to mistake for love because she draws up these idealistic views of these guys. It's all of these that kept me around, because part of me felt that she was just getting attached like she does. She has control, but at the same time, her personality disorder makes it nearly impossible to resist losing it. I felt like she would learn after the first two, but now she went and had her fantasy crushed again.

[Bo]

I wasn't trying to be a hero... This is just how I feel. I do feel delusional, believe me. I don't consider it cheating, because she told me right away basically and she brought up the idea of an open relationship. I loved her enough to give it a shot, and I thought the jealousy would pass. She told me I was the main lover, the person she really loved and wanted to be with forever. So it wasn't truly cheating. That changed with this last guy though, when she thought she loved him, until today when she basically broke it off with him just today (she's tried pushing away before though, and always came crawling back), and this time it seems permanent.

So she was with you exclusively but started an emotional relationship with someone else before yes, telling you. Dude, It's called f*cking cheating. But you know, whatever floats your boat. Seriously, she sounds like a total nutcase and you are starting to yourself. How old are you? And it really takes a 'specific' type of person to make an open relationship work, chances are VERY slim for most people.

[Isotope22]

I'm 22, this is actually the first relationship I've been in where I would say I felt real love. I've dated a lot, and most of the time, I ended things fairly quickly. With this girl, things were just amazing for the first year. I knew she had problems, but she was in her face of intense infatuation with me. With borderlines, once they feel like they have you, that's when things go down shit creek, and they're not going to give you a paddle. I guess that's when she started "splitting" on me and talking to other guys (if you're curious as to what splitting is, look up borderline personality disorder). Yes, I guess it was cheating, but it wasn't too serious, like I said, it was only over text. As stupid as it sounds, I guess I was "blinded" by love.

[kageri]

Once again I'm going to say this was not love. It's something else. Also she has a psychiatric diagnoses by a professional of being borderline personality disorder? Cause plenty of people diagnose themselves and use it as an excuse for their bad actions when they really are suffering from nothing but self control or OCD issues. It still shouldn't be an excuse for anything. If you let people with a disorder have more ground than anyone else it will only feed their disorder instead of helping them. It should never be used an excuse for bad choices and actions.

[Isotope22]

Yes, she has been clinically diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder... As well as PTSD, OCD and Panic Disorder. Yes, that's a long list of problems...