What does it mean when a guy says I'm not emotionally ready to commit?

[geekygirl]

So here's the short version of the story: met a great guy, things were going great and he even brought up marriage (not me!). He never formally proposed but we discussed it. When we met, he already had an MBA and was working as an investment banker but seeing my obsession with grad school made him want to go back to a top tier business school and get another MBA so he could climb up the corporate ladder faster. He was honest with me and told me that marriage wasn't his top priority anymore since he wanted to get business school out of the way. I agreed and we're both working on that. Here comes the bombshell......a few weeks ago, we got to talking about our relationship and he said he didn't feel he was emotionally ready for a relationship. Let me give you some background....he was engaged before he met me. However, they broke up and we met about three months after he broke up. That night, when he said he wasn't ready for a relationship, I asked him if he still thought about his ex and he paused and said yes. I was quite hurt and distraught that night and we left the conversation unfinished. The next day, he called me and acted as if nothing was wrong. I got annoyed and told him that I thought we'd pretty much broken up the previous night. He was genuinely shocked and told me that he didn't want to break up with at all.....he just isn't ready to emotionally commit. I got upset and told him not to BS me.....how can you talk about marriage and then a few months later say you're not ready for a relationship? I know he's not cheating because he works late (usually until 9pm) and he spends most evenings with me (either in person or on Skype). Also, his behavior hasn't changed at all since we went back to being 'friends'; in fact, he's become more caring and attentive and we have a lot of fun hanging out. I guess I'm just confused as to what all this means. Should I hang around and wait for him to become 'ready' or is this a lost cause? I assumed we would break up but he says I'm a very good friend and he doesn't want to lost me. Should I be patient and wait for him?


To be honest, this isn't the first time this has happened to me. The same thing basically happened in my previous relationship. Met a great guy, he brought up marriage quite quickly (which made me wary cuz marriage isn't something to rush into). Anyways, things were going great until he basically said the same thing.....he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. At that time, I was so hurt and angry that I broke up with him. I told him you can't keep a girl on cloud 9 and then suddenly throw her back down. I was young and maybe I didn't fully understand the situation but I broke up with him. I'll never forget the way he looked at me and said "Why are you doing this? I love you!" I told him no, if he loved me, he wouldn't be doing what he's doing. He kept trying to get back together for a long time but I refused. Sometimes I wonder if I let 'the one' get away. Afterall, he really tried hard to get back together but I didn't want to. However, if he really liked me, what was up with the whole 'let's go back to being just friends' thing?

I'm hesitant to do anything about the current situation. What if I try to break up with him and he does the same thing that my ex did? I need some advice please.....how should I handle the situation?

[devonbrown]

It sounds like this guy is on the rebound and you're the backboard. I am sorry to say that, but I don't see a relationship working between you two. You may be able to be friends, but that is about all, I think.

Most men (and women) who start talking about marriage and very serious things right away are normally not emotionally stable. They feel a need to connect with someone no matter what. They are scared of being alone and that drives their every action. If they later back off it is because they are too busy thinking about what might happen later and have worked themselves into a frenzy over the possibility of growing old alone.

Good luck.

[Mathias]

It sounds like this guy is on the rebound and you're the backboard. I am sorry to say that, but I don't see a relationship working between you two. You may be able to be friends, but that is about all, I think.

Most men (and women) who start talking about marriage and very serious things right away are normally not emotionally stable. They feel a need to connect with someone no matter what. They are scared of being alone and that drives their every action. If they later back off it is because they are too busy thinking about what might happen later and have worked themselves into a frenzy over the possibility of growing old alone.

Good luck.

This needs to be copied and pasted in a lot of threads like this. Extremely well said.

[geekygirl]

It sounds like this guy is on the rebound and you're the backboard. I am sorry to say that, but I don't see a relationship working between you two. You may be able to be friends, but that is about all, I think.

Most men (and women) who start talking about marriage and very serious things right away are normally not emotionally stable. They feel a need to connect with someone no matter what. They are scared of being alone and that drives their every action. If they later back off it is because they are too busy thinking about what might happen later and have worked themselves into a frenzy over the possibility of growing old alone.

Good luck.

Yeah, that's what I thought. I was just a rebound.

However, ever since we had this talk, I've completely backed off. No more texting or calling and I've noticed that the more I back off, the more interested he seems. Lately, he's been doing stuff that he didn't do before e.g. his job requires him to travel a lot and before, when he would go on a business trip, we'd talk the night before he had to leave and then he'd text me once he got there. He just went on a business trip last week (the first one after we had this talk) and he actually texted me from the airport. It was a quick one saying he was about to board the flight and he'd let me know when he got there but I was very surprised.

Wonder if this means anything or am I just kidding myself?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Continue backing off, and start looking for other men. Keep your boyfriend around, and don't be secretive about seeing other men. When he asks who you're texting, just tell him, "this guy I met at this bar." When he starts asking questions(he will), just tell him that you figured he wanted a casual relationship, so it's fine if you see other people.

[jb1111983]

Yup continue backing off. It's not a good sign when a guy says something like that. Look, most men aren't really afraid of commitment. It only gets scary when it's with someone we're not sure about. So unless he makes it very clear to you he's ready for marriage and all with you, keep your distance from him. I get a feeling that he isn't over his ex yet. So use your head more than your heart in this one. You don't wanna be his second choice.

[Cerby]

As soon as he said he still thinks about his ex, that would be it. I've been in that situation before and the relationship never developed.

It a massive red flag that you're a rebound, and if you truly see potential in the guy, walk away now, and make it clear that the door is open when he actually IS over his ex. I would be he'll bet in another relationship in less than 2 weeks.

[Jenswaiting]

Geekygirl, hon you're kidding yourself. I know, I was dating a similar man just weeks ago. He came on really strong; talked about ltr and living together very early on. Don't waste anymore of your time on him.

Devon, thanks for your post, brilliantly put.

[geekygirl]

Thank you so much everyone! This is exactly what I needed. I'm going to break up with him tomorrow. There are probably tons of better guys out there and I'm sure I'll meet someone who wants to be with me 100%. I don't want to be anyone's second choice!!! I deserve better!

Quick question: he got laid off a few days ago. He's looking for another job and everything but for the time being, he's unemployed. What if he thinks that's the reason I'm reason him? I'm not shallow and i don't want him thinking that. Should I wait until he gets a new job or should I go ahead and break up?

[Yet another guy]

Should I wait until he gets a new job

**** that! Just be done with him and tell him the reason.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Yeah, just tell him straight up, you want someone that's ready for a full commitment to you. If he suggests that it's because he got laid off, tell him you're insulted he would insinuate that and he's not to contact you at all.

[Bluesidhe]

You're very smart and strong t realize that he's just stringing you along. Good for you on making the decision to break up with him. Do it tight away and tell him the reason. Move on. You deserve to be with someone who WANTS t be with you.