Originally Posted by
Emmalina
Your friend who's been trying it on with me since the day you ended it messaged me today to tell me you had told him that you "weren't bothered" if anything happened between us, and that you had completely moved on. I have no idea why he felt the need to message me this, I have not even shown remote interest in him, but him having clearly spoke to you about it and you having so clearly dismissed me as nothing has really hit home how shitty this all is, once again.
I know that I mean nothing to you anymore, I know that. And you should mean nothing to me too, no one has ever hurt me like this and I should hate you for it. But what's making me feel the worst is that even after all of this I still genuinely believe that you are my person, my "soulmate" as cheesy as that sounds. The way we met was so spontaneous, I was so inexplicably drawn to you that it cannot be that it is just nothing now. The literal electric I felt every time we kissed and every time you touched me, the butterflies and the flipping of my stomach; I have never, ever had that with anyone and before you came along no one in the world would have convinced me that those things actually happened. You had every quality I was looking for in a person and then some; you made me feel like I could achieve anything, you made me the happiest that I have ever been. I just adored you. We were so similar in so many ways, as you said we're "two for a pair/peas in a pod"... but then we were polar opposite in other ways which meant that we were always challenging each other in frustrating but wonderful ways, helping each other to grow and move forward. Everything about us just seemed to fit together - we were perfect in our imperfections. You had bad qualities, many of them and probably more than any other man I've met or had a relationship with, but you are the first and only person who I have seen all the bad qualities, seen you at your absolute worst and adored you regardless. I wanted you so much, all of you.
I can't get my head around the fact that I loved you like this, this gut wrenching and raw love, when you cannot have loved me at all. Seeing you just discount the relationship like you have done to your others before me, like I have done myself to people before you. For me this is not something that can be discounted, for me you were and are my person. The thought of anyone else still makes my skin crawl, I haven't spoken to you for so long and we've been apart for nearly 2 months but you're still all I god damn think about. My heart tells me that I won't find anyone else but my head disagrees - I'm only 19 and I have a whole lifetime stretched out ahead so I'm sure there will be other relationships. But I am almost certain that I will never feel so deeply again, I will never find someone who I believe I connect to and "fit together" with like you. It's an awful realisation when the future you imagined just crumbles before you, the person you imagined yourself with in 50 years was merely stringing you along to pass the time. You're my soulmate and everything I want but I am not yours, I am not what you want at all. This is such a devastating loss it's beyond any comprehension. I have no idea what to do to get out of this.