A Complicated Situation

[Greentea]

Hello all, this is my first post and I turned to this forum to hopefully get a different perspective on a strange situation.

Please bare with me, as this is quite a long story!

I'm 26 years old and was dating my boyfriend Mark for 4 and a half years when he popped the question. I was very happy and accepted his proposal after all I love him. Whilst being in the relationship with him, I always felt as though there was something missing. That fire or sparkle, and it is something that I never felt with him. Anyway, I was happy enough with him to say I would marry him as he loved me and I loved him.

I had been with Mark for about 4 years (before his propsal) when I started a new job, I fit in straight away with my colleagues and hit it off with one guy straight away, his name was Scott. It was never a lust thing, nor was it a playful connection, it was definitely something deeper than that, as we always spoke about our life problems to each other. So at first, I thought it was great to have found such a good friend in someone, there was no feelings there at all from my part, apart from I felt close to him as friend. Then one day, it occurred to me that I did have feelings for him, I pushed these away as I was 'happy' with Mark, and I did reach a point where I could not bare to be around Scott as he was annoying me so much, very argumentative and moody with me. So when Mark popped the question, i was happy.

6 months down the line, Scott found a new job and was moving on. We had a leaving do for him and he told my friend that he had been in love with me for almost a year. A couple of days later, he told me himself. At first, I was very dismissive, and told him that there is no way that me and him could be together, I was a engaged woman!

Low and behold, those feelings that I had for him came back. The things Scott were telling me was that he was in love with me and that he could see us growing old, that I was his soul mate etc. I knew that I could not be IN love with Mark if I felt these feelings for Scott, so I broke off the engagement (the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life) as I felt that was only right for me and Mark. I know it seems that I broke up with Mark because I wanted to be with Scott, but please believe me when I say, I broke up with him souly because I knew that I was not in love with him, yes I love him very much, but was not in love with him.

So me and Scott would chat for hours, not about me and him as a couple really, just general chit chat. Now Scott was going through a stressful time with a new job, sorting out his sisters wedding etc and I was going through a very tough time with my break up, I lost 11lbs in one week as I just did not eat as I could not deal with hurting Mark.

Then out of the blue, Scott ignores me for 2 whole days, when he finally gets in touch, he tells me that he is a depressive and that he didn't speak to anyone for 2 days. I accepted his apology as I understand depression as a horrible disease. He said he wanted to make it up to me, so I waited for that. He was still telling me how much he wanted to be with me, that he had never felt this way about anyone before etc. He had gone on a few dates before but they never went anywhere as he always compared them to me. His last relationship was about 2 years ago, and he had remained celibate since then! So he was looking for the right girl and supposedly that was meant to be me. He also told me that the reason he was always so moody and argumentative was because he didn't know how to deal with his feelings towards me. He said every time we argued he felt that he was falling even deeper in love with me.

So after a while, I told him i wanted to see him, not as anything serious, just as a friend. We arranged to meet, and he sent me a text saying that he has changed his mind and that he no longer wants to be in a relationship. Now he kept making a big deal about me telling him that I still love Mark and would want to be his friend after the dust had settled, he kept saying that he wouldn;t be able to deal with that if we ever got together.

I told him not to contact me again, what hurts me the most is that he was supposed to be my friend, so why didn't he just has the decency to meet up with me to tell me that he changed his mind. He wouldn't even pick up the phone!

So it is either 1, he was completely chatting bull when he was telling me all that stuff about him being in love with me, or it is 2, he is scared and has genuinly changed his mind.

What it confusing me the most, is I know that if you are in love with someone, those feelings just do not go, especially when you have been wanting to be with that person for so long. When you get that chance to be with that person, you would grab it with both hands right? So why has he just gone from my life, is it because he can't handle my emotional baggage?

Someone please shed some light, as I am just living in the dark right now.

thanks for reading if you read to the end!

Greentea

[misombra]

You did most certainly leave your fiance with this guy. You've learned a very important lesson the hard way.

If you did it to mark, why wouldn't scott believe you would do it to him?

Go on and find your own happiness. Nobody else is going to provide it for you. Also not all that glitters is gold.

[smartguy]

What about Mark now...
Mark loved you truly but you rejected him later...
Its like you dick the pit for yourself...
I dont know why girls are not understanding that they are hurting others...
You are selfish on this matter....You just looked for your enjoyment but what about mark....I am sure he is still suffering as he loved you so much...
I am feeling sad for Mark...

About Scott:

I think he just loved you for a moment and he didnt have guts to say that he has changed his mind or he might lie from his heart...

Remember This:
you will be more happy when you get the person whom loves you lot but You will be just happy when you get somebody whom you love....

[Cerby]

Ouch for Mark, and it turns out Scott is an emotional wreck who can't support a relationship.

Tough lesson for you. Relationships go through challenges and you need to learn to survive the storms that come with it. In this case you were prompted with another option, and instead of realizing what you already had, you left it on a whim.

[John Littlejohn]

Please bare with me

Not without dinner and flowers.

You made at least two mistakes here, which all boil down to the same thing: you are out of touch with your own feelings and are telling yourself stories about what you should be feeling rather than accepting your feelings for what they actually are.

Mistake #1:

I always felt as though there was something missing. Anyway, I was happy enough with him to say I would marry him as he loved me and I loved him.

You felt there was something missing, but you didn't listen to your feelings. Despite not being satisfied with your relationship, you agreed to dedicate your life to him. You're not doing yourself or your boyfriend any favors when you do that. You knew the relationship needed work, but you strung him along anyway.

Mistake #2:

I knew that I could not be IN love with Mark if I felt these feelings for Scott, so I broke off the engagement (the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life) as I felt that was only right for me and Mark.

Incorrect answer. Rather than listen to your feelings, you listened to romantic notions of what feelings are "supposed" to be. You can be in love with someone while still being attracted to other people as well. That is why marriage is so hard--- monogamy requires that you set aside your attractions and feelings for other people. If being in love shut down all your feelings for others, then no one would ever cheat on anyone.

Result: you severely damaged yourself and someone you cared deeply about for no reason whatsoever. Instead of being an adult and dealing with your feelings as they actually were, you childishly treated your very serious relationships as if they were moonbeams and fairy dust. You should have behaved as an adult and approached this attraction honestly--- which means to accept that you feel it but not to act on it, if monogamous marriage was in your plans.

I just did not eat as I could not deal with hurting Mark.

Good. You're a good person then, and you know you did wrong to him.

But don't beat yourself up about it forever. I've made that same mistake before. Lots of people have. Maybe everyone. But learn from it. Learn to listen to your heart and what it's actually telling you.

What it confusing me the most, is I know that if you are in love with someone, those feelings just do not go, especially when you have been wanting to be with that person for so long. When you get that chance to be with that person, you would grab it with both hands right?

Again, you tell yourself fairy tales and bedtime stories about what love is supposed to be. Grow up. Love is wonderful and complicated and strange. It can't be summed up by platitudes.

Maybe he's in love with you, but he probably also fears you. He knows you've behaved erratically with Mark. You've behaved erratically with him. You've been sending him mixed signals for months. No, he's not going to grab you with both hands, for fear of being burned.

[IndiReloaded]

Classic fickle woman. How boring.

[Wakeup]

I broke up with him souly because I knew that I was not in love with him, yes I love him very much, but was not in love with him.

What a crock of shit. Honey, you don't even know what love is.

[Greentea]

What a crock of shit. Honey, you don't even know what love is.

How insulting! How dare you assume that? You have no idea what I have been through, i can assure that I do knowwhat love is, and how arrogant of you to think that I don't just because of one post on a forum.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but loving someone is definitely different to being in love with someone, I thought Mark deserved better than me. He deserves someone that not only loves him, but is in love with him. I didn't break up with him just for me, believe what you want. That is the truth.

No one knows better than me how much pain I have caused mark and it cuts my heart evrytime I think about that. I do think I acted on a whim, and that was stupid if me but Scott was not someone I fancied or found physically attractive, we just had this connection that I couldn't explain. We were friends first and foremost, for a year which is why I felt I could take a risk.

Karma acted quickly in this instance. I just feel so pathetic and I hate myself I really do.

I acted with my heart and not my head, I think we've all been guilty of that...

[John Littlejohn]

I thought Mark deserved better than me.

That's for him to decide.

And he decided he wanted to marry you.

[Wakeup]

That's for him to decide.

And he decided he wanted to marry you.

Effing "A" How presumptuous of YOU, OP.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but loving someone is definitely different to being in love with someone,

I'm correcting you and if you don't get with the programme you're going to be breaking up with every dude who has the displeasure of loving you because you'll leave him everytime the honeymoon period comes to an end. Lust is not love. Love is a verb, an action word. What actions did Scott show you that he loved you compared to the actions that Mark showed you that he loved you? What loving actions did you show either of these men?

believe what you want.

thanks I shall.

I just feel so pathetic and I hate myself I really do.

IMO: If you've learned a lesson from this then you should forgive yourself so that you can move on. Everyone deserves to be happy so forgive yourself, don't forget the lesson and leave both these men in your past. Learn to love yourself before trying to love another.

[IndiReloaded]

If you've learned a lesson from this then you should forgive yourself so that you can move on.

This^. But based on your posts I think you tend towards being a drama queen. That means it won't be enough for you to recognize you've hurt someone. Now you want to relish in your self-inflicted guilt about the whole thing.

"See! See! LOOK AT ME! I'm such a selfish person! LOOK at how I'm beating myself up over it! I'm soooo pathetic!"

Don't you see that this kind of behaviour is just as ugly as your previous? Find some class: apologize sincerely to your ex without any expectations from him and then pick up your hat and go.

@ Littlejohn - nice posts man. Straight to the target. Appreciated.

[Greentea]

I think it's silly to think you can define love, as in 'mark did this, so he must love me'! As ive already said, it was not a lust thing with scott.

People can say what they like about me, I'm just being honest. Im telling you how I feel and if that makes me a drama queen so be it.

Thanks for the replies anyway, some were constructive, some not so much.

[cathy22]

Sorry, but you've probably did Mark a favor. You don't seem to be marriage material.

[Wakeup]

Sorry, but you've probably did Mark a favor. You don't seem to be marriage material.

No, no she doesn't, does she.

[IndiReloaded]

I'm just being honest. Im telling you how I feel and if that makes me a drama queen so be it.

Yes, it does make you a drama queen. "I'm just being honest" is another one of those statements that people use to justify poor behaviour. Honesty for its own sake is NOT a virtue. It is normally a sign of someone who lives with their head up their ass.

But hey, just being honest. :?