I need your best advice....

[confused2207]

Alright I've posted about this before, but its grown into something entirely different. I thought the right things would make it easier but it has just made it the most complex its ever been. I'm very frustrated and I need to hear opinions. Not bias ones or ones that treat this like its a typical situation. Thanks in advance.

About a year ago I met a girl. She was nice, really cute, etc. So we went thru the whole hang out at her place and go to a few parties together, etc. Well, apparently she and her bf were 'on a break' at this time. This apparently was her first bf, and they have been together for more than a couple years. They also have been on more than a few breaks. But she decideds they're getting back together, whatever. Well she continues to text me and whatnot, but everytime I ask to hang she shoots me down. So eventually I decided forget it I'm not dealin with that. I stopped talkin to her for a few months.

Then out of the blue she text me one day and says I miss talkin ta you. So we talk some more for a few more months but I don't dare say anything flirty etc becuz I don't wanna get in that situation. Well then June rolls around and one night she decides to tell me how she tells me 'I like eyes and smile in a guy that always gets me' and so I just w/o really thinkin say 'well I have that' and she says 'yeah you do, I've always liked that about you.' Well I already knew we had good conversation and now she was complimenting my physical looks and when that happens the bells and whistles start going off in your head like dude go get her. So we got a little more flirty.

She also happened to be moving into a house about 15 minutes from me. So she went from about an hour away to that. And her roomates weren't moving in until september. So on one of her first nights here she text me and says 'I don't know this area, meet me for dinner or I won't know where to go,' I'm like ok she wants to go out but doesn wanna say so. So we went to eat that night then a few more times. All the while she's still technically with the bf.

So I go outta town for a couple weeks and we still talk regularly, and then I finally said on one of my last nights down there like look, I'm not gonna be the dinner once a week kinda guy. I never see you and you get the best of me while I just deal with the bad part of you a lot or when you have problems and I'm not doing that. She said you're right, cried and that was that.

Then once I got back into town, the next day, she calls me and ask me to come to her house so we can talk. I had never actually been to this house, when we hung before it was at the old place. So I went there, and we ate then talked and laughed an watched a movie together, etc. It went well. We did that a few times actually. Then one night one thing led to another and we made out. Nothin more but it was definitely passionate. She text me and said sorry that wasn supposed to happen I'm just going to confuse things more, maybe we should talk. Well I said fine if that's what you want. She made it a whole 12 hours before she texted me again. I told her that she coulda told me to leave and she said 'that woulda been too hard.' Then like two times later I actually stayed at her house. It wasn intentional but I will say this, she usually leaves her garage door open so when I leave she can shut it. When we were goin into her room to watch the movie she said 'should I close the door?' Making it pretty obvious what was goin on. She fell asleep in my arms and didn wake up until the storm scared her and we just got closer and it was a good night.

I should point out to that she makes it a point to tell me everytime her bf screws up. The two latest offenses have been that she told him she wanted to go to a concert, he agreed to go, and once they got there he told her she needed to pay for his ticket because she was the one that wanted to go. Then this weekend, he called her at 7AM and asked her to come pick him up from a party because he doesn't have a car and his brother didn come, so once she got in her car and halfway there, he called and told her oh nevermind so and so took me. Complete BS. Doesn treat her right at all. She wanted these rinky dink sunglasses because she's a shades person, so I went and paid the 8 buck for them or w/e. She said 'no one buys me anything except my mom' I asked what about the other guy and she said he doesn because he never has any money because he's got no job. After the incident this weekend she told me she talked to her mom about it and she told her that she has enough friends and doesn need him. That's her own mother.

So lately I've been pushing to go out places in public. I offered to take her out a few times to dinner or concerts, etc. The consistent answerr is 'I want to but I can't.' So today I asked her what that means and she said 'I wanna go with you but I can't because of the situation' we use that term a lot 'the situation.' I'm getting more and more annoyed with this. What happens next month when her roomates move in the house with her? Do we never get to see each other then becuz we have to hide? And really, most importantly, I just got a really nice job offer but its states away. I don't wanna leave anything with her behind but don't wanna be a sucker either.

I had this conversation with her this morning. I said this is eventually going to go one way or the other. She said she couldn tell me I'd ever be more than he second option, because she would say yes but has to see if what they had is gone. I said I respect that but how long do I hang around on this limb for you. I have no problem being here but how long do I stay. She said she can't tell me when to walk away and she doesn kno how long she would. I said would it bother you if I didn't. She said 'its your choice... You did it before, I dealt with it' which to me sounds like I wouldn like it. I said 'I did it before becuz I felt like it was what I had to do, but it sucked everyday." And she says, 'well, like I said, its your choice.'

And that's where we left it. I have no idea what to say or do. I would walk away easily if I thought that's what she wanted, but I don't think she does. Were talkin a girl I spent 16 hours straight with just last week. I care for her a lot. I know her problems and her happiness. I know her mannerisms. I know her home life. A lot about her. It would probably be one of the hardest things I ever did to walk away right now when were closer than ever and things seem so rocky with the bf. But at the same time, life is going on around me while I wait to see if she decides she can fix a broken relationship. The biggest thing is is that I know that they are probably beyond repair, but its up to her. She likes to say 'well it was so good for a few years' and then I tell her things and people change and she agrees she just is stubborn and persistent to a fault. Plus I think it factors in that he knows her family and vice versa, while I'm from out of town.

Sorry for the long message, but my basic question is this. What do I do now? Do I keep playin this game in the shadows? Or do I do the tough thing and walk away and hope she misses me as much as I think she would? Please help. Need your best advice. Thanks.

[smackie9]

Tell her you are done and walk away. If things were so bad with her BF she would have walked but she doesnt because she is still in love with him. He just isnt giving the attention she wants so she gets it from you....you are so foolish to fall into this trap. She is having an emotional affair with you and dude that is cheating, even if sex is not involved. She, in some way thinks this situation will be alright in the meantime til her BF maybe changes and things will be great again....you are so being used my friend.

Why would you want to be with someone that is willing to see another guy behind her BFs back? Dont think for a second she wouldnt do it to you.

[smackie9]

Walk away......she is toxic.

[confused2207]

I am thoroughly convinced that she is not in love with her boyfriend still. She avoids staying with him and when she does sleeps in another room. Not normal for a relationship that far along. Also, isn't around him unless totally necessary. Example: the last three times she's seen him? Tonight, when he got tickets to a baseball game for them. Yesterday, doing yardwork at her house with the rest of her family. And when his mom volunteered her to babysit for a couple that they knew. None of which she wanted to do.

She's trying to convince herself she has a thing for him still, because she is one of those that love a good romance movie and wants to believe in her first love and high school sweet heart, etc. It doesn't help that her parents were high school sweethearts and her brother and sister in law were also. These fairy tale love stories dilute her brain.

[HeartIsAching]

She basically told you that you're a fallback position. You really want that?

Time to walk.

[Wakeup]

It's none of your business whether or not she is or isnt in love with her boyfriend. The point is she does not leave him for you and after reading your story I'm sorry to say that I have never read such a pathetic rendering from a man in my life.

She strings you along like Pinnochio before he became a real boy.

How can you even respect her when she has a boyfriend and sleeps with you in the first place? How can you even respect yourself when you wait in the wings as her dirty little secret. Man up and dump her indecisive and skanky ass.

Surely there are women who are available to be had or are you just too lazy to go through the motions of dating available women and find it easier to settle for being played by someone elses?

Sad, sad, sad...

[confused2207]

It's none of your business whether or not she is or isnt in love with her boyfriend. The point is she does not leave him for you and after reading your story I'm sorry to say that I have never read such a pathetic rendering from a man in my life.

She strings you along like Pinnochio before he became a real boy.

How can you even respect her when she has a boyfriend and sleeps with you in the first place? How can you even respect yourself when you wait in the wings as her dirty little secret. Man up and dump her indecisive and skanky ass.

Surely there are women who are available to be had or are you just too lazy to go through the motions of dating available women and find it easier to settle for being played by someone elses?

Sad, sad, sad...

I've seen your post before on here. I don't disrespect your opinion. Many people need you to be blunt. I don't want this to be written off as 'not what the OP' wants to hear'. What you fail to see sometimes is that everything isn't black and white. It is possible to have feelings for one person as they are dating another. Especially people in their early 20s when things arent as clear. They do work out sometimes. If you read, once she told me she was going back to her bf, I left it alone until she came back. And if you asked me before this all happened if I would ever stay at the house of a girl that had a bf, I woulda said no, but emotions happen, and some people believe that following your gut instincts is what you should do. Sometimes you can't find reasons when emotions are involved. It doesn make people stupid or pathetic for doing what they feel rather than what they think.

[Wakeup]

Look its very simple and it is very black and white. You either respect yourself or you don't. She plays you like a fiddle and she does not love you. You can't get any blacker or whiter than that.

This has been going on in your life far too long. If you don't like then get away from her. If you don't have the ballzzz to give her up then quit asking reasonable people to give you advice on how to continue to abuse yourself.

People who respect themselve leave people they love every single day. When it's not reciprocated or it is not making you happy then you quit it and you heal. End of.

Bottom line: Leave her and do not give her the time of day unless her opening line to you is "I've left him and I miss you, please take me back." Man up for gawds sakes and realize that she doesn't respect you because you fail to respect yourself.

* By hanging onto this fiasco of a sudo romance You are wasting valuable dating time and possibly missing out on meeting a very available woman that will not hide you away and will be happy to introduce you as her boyfriend. As such I'd like you to tell us why you would want to continue to torture yourself, be unhappy, take the crumbs she allows you while she stays with another man? What is wrong with you that you'd settle for being someone's hidden door mat while you continue to come here and ignore every bit of advice you've gotten in all your sad posts about you and her? What is the point, really?

[cathy22]

I'm sorry, but this girl is only playing you. She's having her cake and eating it too. It sounds like she really doesn't know WHAT she wants. Don't be sucked into this thing., I don't care how pretty her eyes are.

[Evo1114]

Take the job, leave, don't look back.

I've been in your situation numerous times. I had always been the nice guy who got to hear about all the problems a girl was having with their b/f. So I'd take them out, sometimes buy them things, etc. Get cock-teased, they'd say things like 'if you do this, maybe we can ****', then when the time came for them to pay up, it would instead be tears about how the b/f did this or that. If they felt that I was moving on, they'd reel me back in with fake flirts or false promises. (Yes, I now realize how pathetic that was). Finally a good female friend of mine who was married to my best friend just told me straight up that 'You are the guy who provides the things that their relationship is lacking...nothing more, nothing less. They get enough to stay with their b/fs but they want so much more and I provide the rest of what they desire''. It hit me like a slap in the face. I couldn't believe that I did not see what was going on.

Their b/f provides the excitement, the sex, other shit while I/you provide the support, the listening, the wining and dining. When I thought about it I really felt quite pathetic that I was strung along so long by so many chicks. No more I say! If a girl is involved with somebody else and come to me complaining about their other half, I'll just say 'that sucks' and walk away.

[confused2207]

I appreciate everything everyone is saying. I think I knew in the back of my head that it is time to fish or cut bait. And I think that's why I posted because I wanted to hear if anyone heard anything that I'm not seeing. Everytime we talk or hang out it just makes it harder. I know she enjoys being around me but at some point she has to 'choose' me. We won't talk here at lease for awhile. The biggest thing I have going for me is that I have that job offer out of town. The initial plan I think is to leave and get out for awhile, hopefully meet some new people and when the job is over in 3 months, maybe see where things are at that point if nothin else has happened by then.

[Evo1114]

Just wanted to add this little tale. This is probably the most blatant examples of me being played like a fiddle. I was completely clueless about it until just a couple years ago when my friend pointed out how pathetically clueless I was. My good friend was dating a girl whom I completely fell for. Me and his g/f probably spent more time together than she actually spent with the b/f. She was smoking hot...like supermodel hot (not exaggerating). Her b/f cheated on her MANY times, and each time it happened, she came crying to me and we'd go to the bar together, go get a bite to eat, whatever. She'd flirt with me constantly, tell me how if she wasn't dating my friend, she'd **** the shit out of me. She'd always seem to get extremely jealous whenever I'd date anybody else and for some reason, I would always feel the need to cancel dates or not pursue something in hopes that they'd break up and we'd be free to date. One day my friend had a party in his apartment, she got pissed off about something, so we went for a long walk. I asked her why she was still with him if he cheated on her so much and made her so miserable. She told me that since she was living with him, she couldn't break up with him because she had nowhere else to go. We then made out (now I realize it was because she said something that maybe she felt would push me away, so she reeled me right back in by making out with me...at the time, I thought it was because she really wanted deez nuts). He found out about it, he didn't care, but not long afterwards, they moved to separate apartments (he didn't help her at all, I moved ALL her shit). Shortly after that, they broke up. After they broke up, she wanted NOTHING to do with me. Though it was feeling quite hopeless that she'd ever want to date me, I asked her out anyways, to which she never really answered. She just put her head down and cried. I took it as a no, and hardly heard from her ever again. The End.

[confused2207]

Take the job, leave, don't look back.

I've been in your situation numerous times. I had always been the nice guy who got to hear about all the problems a girl was having with their b/f. So I'd take them out, sometimes buy them things, etc. Get cock-teased, they'd say things like 'if you do this, maybe we can ****', then when the time came for them to pay up, it would instead be tears about how the b/f did this or that. If they felt that I was moving on, they'd reel me back in with fake flirts or false promises. (Yes, I now realize how pathetic that was). Finally a good female friend of mine who was married to my best friend just told me straight up that 'You are the guy who provides the things that their relationship is lacking...nothing more, nothing less. They get enough to stay with their b/fs but they want so much more and I provide the rest of what they desire''. It hit me like a slap in the face. I couldn't believe that I did not see what was going on.

Their b/f provides the excitement, the sex, other shit while I/you provide the support, the listening, the wining and dining. When I thought about it I really felt quite pathetic that I was strung along so long by so many chicks. No more I say! If a girl is involved with somebody else and come to me complaining about their other half, I'll just say 'that sucks' and walk away.

This may be true, but their relationship is lacking a lot. There is no sex, of that I'm sure. And minimal excitement. I rather think that's why I am around. Because she is bored. Literally what is holding her back is their past together. And that she wants to have a fairy tale first relationship story. That's it.

[Wakeup]

This may be true, but their relationship is lacking a lot. There is no sex, of that I'm sure. And minimal excitement. I rather think that's why I am around. Because she is bored. Literally what is holding her back is their past together. And that she wants to have a fairy tale first relationship story. That's it.

Doesn't matter, doesn't matter, doesn't matter! None of your business. All you need to be concerned about is that she does not leave him and that it looks like she never will. Besides, do you honestly think they are'nt having sex? Please! If she wasn't doing him regular then likely he'd have left her by now.

Good job in learning a valuable life lesson, Evo. Kudos!

[Evo1114]

This may be true, but their relationship is lacking a lot. There is no sex, of that I'm sure. And minimal excitement. I rather think that's why I am around. Because she is bored. Literally what is holding her back is their past together. And that she wants to have a fairy tale first relationship story. That's it.

You are probably right, but I wouldn't wager my future on a gamble of them breaking up anytime soon.

Example #2 (my brother's wife's sister ~ not the one I posted about in a previous thread): I met my sister-in-law's sister at my brother's wedding in Las Vegas. I didn't know much about her, but she did tell me straight up about how she was in a relationship with this "unemployed loser who just sat around and played video games all day" (her words). So we hung out in Vegas, she was staying with her family, I was staying with my family so nothing too incredible happened. We just wound up making out for a bit after I walked her back to her hotel room about 2 or 3 miles south of the strip. I was staying about a mile NORTH of the strip, so I had quite the long, lonely walk back to my hotel. That's not really the point of the story. The point is, shortly after the wedding, she called me up and invited me out to meet her 6 hours and 3 states away. I got a hotel for 2 days. The night I arrived, her boyfriend was out looking for a job, so she showed me her place, we went to a movie, she drove home pretty early. Night #2, we met up with a flamboyantly gay friend of hers (nothing against gay people, but this dude was the definition of gay). He was a black dude, who wore a pink polo shirt with a popped collar and sported a pink mohawk. My presence in town was a complete secret to the girl's boyfriend so when he started getting suspicious that night, she had to quickly drive home while I was stuck riding around the city with her very large, flamboyantly gay friend. I've had friends who were gay, but this was the only time I really felt uncomfortable because this guy was definitely hitting on me. I knew so because while he was on the phone with his sister, I could hear their entire conversation. ("Is he cute?", "Yes, but I can't say anything else, I'll have to talk to you later"). Anyways, after driving around waiting for her which seemed like an ETERNITY, she called and said she couldn't leave, so I was dropped off at my hotel and went to bed (YES, ALONE. Haha). Day #3, we went to another movie (me, her, and her gay friend). Asked her why she was with loser boyfriend if he was unemployed, had no desire to BE employed, and just used her for $ and a place to live. She claimed that she was trying to get him to get a job so that he could afford his own place to stay so that she could feel comfortable enough to break up with him. They had been together for 3 years, so she said that was the least she could do for him. For some reason I bought her excuse. And after she dropped off her friend at his apartment, she came to the hotel with me and we made out. She said that the next time I came to visit, hopefully she would be single so we could spend more time together. I told her ok, when they broke up, I'd come back and we could hopefully have more fun without having to constantly watch over our shoulders, worrying that somebody would see. She left somewhat early so boyfriend wouldn't be suspicious. I went home the next day and continued talking to her. But we never hung out again, outside of a couple of family functions a couple years later. It took a whole year for her to finally break up with her boyfriend! I thought it was pretty weird that it took an entire year to break up with him if the only thing that was keeping them together was their history together. She did invite me back to her town to hang out after they broke up, but I had moved on and I turned her down.

Not the same situation as you, but still. If it was only their past holding them together, why would it take an ENTIRE YEAR to break up with him even after she told me he was such a worthless loser?