I think I've confused myself

[Flutterbye09]

Hi,
I have been browsing here for awhile and hope that some outsider input will help me find some clarity on this subject. Please be honest in your response, I am not afraid of the truth for what it is.

I was with my ex for about four and a half years. During that time we had quite a lot of ups and downs. We started dating in high school and broke up about 15 months ago. We have a two year old daughter together so although we have contact regularly there has been no doubt in my mind we were over until recently. Where I find myself thinking about him and us getting back together daily.

The issues we had in our relationship were endless. He cheated a lot, both physically and emotionally. I did a few times almost as revenge or something. He was a pothead at one point and a severe gamer for a lot of our relationship. We had sexual lulls; I think mostly related to my trust issues. I guess basically the most unhealthy relationship possible without physical abuse. Up until we found out I was pregnant; as far as I know he never cheated after that and we seemed to be as happy as we had ever been.

I was the one who broke it off with him when I found myself infatuated with a guy who lived in another country. Obviously that never worked out but for the first time since my ex and I had started dating I felt like I was really done with the relationship and never looked back. Until now of course.

I currently am in another rocky relationship but for completely different reasons. He is an amazing man and treats me and my daughter the way we truly deserve. He is responsible, completely self sufficient both emotionally and physically, and he takes care of himself and us. We moved in together too quickly ( about 4 months in) and now we have a pile of issues too. He is also a gamer, *and I am at home all the time until school starts so we get into arguments about how we spend our tine. I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all anymore and it just annoys me when he comes on to me. I resent the fact that he is on the computer most of the time he is home and I just feel like our relationship is over, but we are in a tough spot ( mostly me ) because we live together.

We have talked about all of our issues although i haven't brought up the thoughts about my ex. I feel like we have exhausted this relationship, and we just moved to fast to begin with before really knowing what we were getting into. I think my biggest fear is losing someone so great, he really is a great person and I feel he is a great catch, we just might not be great together.

I also have to consider how all of these things affect my daughter so that makes it really difficult to make big decisions for fear it isn't the right thing to do.

I guess I am just trying to find clarity in what I should do about both of these issues; although I feel like the best way to find it would be to take some time to myself and clear my head I don't think that's an option.

I also think that the last thing I should be thinking about is if getting back together with my ex is a good idea when I am currently in a relationship.*

Am I just really confused and all my thoughts misguided in some way? Maybe I just need to be on my own and figure out me for awhile :s*

Thanks for reading.

[Wakeup]

Have you ever considered learning to love yourself before jumping into one relationship after another simply because you're afraid to be alone and don't have a clue how to support yourself and your daughter?

I have to ask why you are wondering if you should return to your ex when you don't even mention that he'd want your sorry ass back? Has he actually asked you back and you're encapable of making a decision only because you are the co-signer on a lease with this new guy?

I guess basically the most unhealthy relationship possible without physical abuse. Up until we found out I was pregnant;

Why would you allow yourself to get pregnant with a guy that you knew you were in an unhealthy relationship with?

I'm sorry but you sound very issued and I suggest that if you can afford it that you seek clarification about yourself through professional therapy. You are not only selfish but you are playing with three peoples emotional health. Your ex's, your current's and your poor innocent daughter's. Four peoples if you count your own. That's serious and not something to be left up to someone irresponsible and self-absorbed.

I have no advice as to who you should pick other than to agree 100% with this:

Maybe I just need to be on my own and figure out me for awhile

Harsh? Yes, but that's how I see it. The common denominator in both these relationships is You. The ex cheated on you repeatedly through your relationship and you're contemplating getting back with him? That alone says a lot about your own self-worth (or lack thereof).

Concentrate on yourself, getting therapy and learning to love yourself or you will find yourself with yet another bad-ass that treats you like shit because you find good men who care for you boring.

[Flutterbye09]

Dont know how to support myself are you kidding? Im a student and I'm sorry but that is FAR from something I should be ashamed of thank you very much. The fact that being a student without family support comes with a low income isn't shocking to you is it? Also I wasn't in a relationship or dating anyone for over 7 months between these two so jumping from one relationship to another is also out. I admit we moved fast in this relationship but it had nothing to do with being alone.

Yes my ex does want me back, he has made it very clear numerous times this past year. He just doesn't know I am considering it, which also means I am not toying with his emotions. Also the issue isn't that I am a cosigner, the issue is it makes more sense to both my current boyfriend and I to live in a shared environment. I hope you could understand the fact that I do have a child AND am a student without any other living arraignment options would you not agree being somewhere we are safe is of the upmost importance?*

My ex and I made a mistake in getting pregnant, I own that fully but can I go back and change it? It was not something we chose to do out of ignorance.

As for issued, you think? News flash though, who isn't? I may have more baggage than some but I actually am receiving help through therapy and medication, which since you don't sound dumb I'm guessing you realize this is an ongoing process and you don't change overnight.

As for me being self-absorbed, well that's just laughable. I may not be a perfect person but I am doing the absolute best I can. I am reaching out via this forum because I am confused and having a very difficult time coping with the fact that I do have all these other people to consider and my lack of clarity is just making a bad situation worse.

All I see in your post is a judgmental, bitter person whom enjoys preying on others insecurities. Have you even slightly considered the fact that you can't judge someone so extensively based on a few words? I by no means am trying to get support in what I am currently doing because clearly that is what I am seeking to change. So you just jumping to attacking my character is clearly not necessary.

I agree I am affecting other people but in no way am I toying with emotions, I am TRYING to figure this out and it is a recent problem so it isn't like I am just stringing people along.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond, and so passionately at that but consider the fact that you can damage people with your words and I don't see how that is beneficial to anyone including yourself. How could you be comfortable in your own skin after saying such mean things?*


As for my original post, to clarify. I am not asking who to chose. I am wondering if I should acknowledge these recent thoughts about my ex or ignore them entirely, maybe insight into why I might be having them. Also if people think my current situation is salvageable or are we too different and moved to fast. What can I do to fix it or know if it really is finished.*

Again, thanks for reading.*

[Wakeup]

Listen: Take a fking gander at the broken hearts forum and all the young men that women like you who have screwed and tatooed.. There is a man in there now and I swear you could be his ex.

Gals like you who don't know a GD thing about what is right and what is wrong and just fly by the seat of their borderline personalities and leaving good men like your current because you're bored and can't figure out that a guy that treats you right is a good thing. YOUR EX CHEATED ON YOU ALL THROUGH YOUR DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP. Why would you want to go back to that and take your innocent little girl for a dysfunctional ride of her life?

Judge... yes, yes I do. Pardon me for being concerned about another future citizen of our world who will likely end up lost like her mother. Break the cycle and think about her.

Concentrate on your therapy, discuss your dilemma with your therapist if you don't want to be judged by strangers on the internet. Look after yourself so you can be the best you and the best MOTHER that you can be. Leave both men and when you're better, then look for a good man to be with you, as a good woman.