Getting married dilemma

[L.T.]

We have been together for over 3 years now and plan to marry. However, we have a real dilemma about how we do this to suit both our needs. We have both been married before. He has no children, I have 3 grown up children.

His perspective – the marriage ceremony itself is a statement of commitment between the two people, and the 'fact' of the marriage is a public proclamation of that commitment. His preference is for just the two of us to go somewhere exotic, get married on a beach, and have a family celebration on our return. His hope is that everyone will be happy for us and won't feel slighted by not being included in the ceremony.

Her perspective – I define myself as the lover of my man, mother of my children, daughter to my mother and close friend to a number of people. I see marriage as two-fold. A personal commitment to my man from me, and a public statement to my family and friends that we are a couple who will jointly try to care for and love them. I can't envisage getting married without sharing this huge and special day without my family and friends.

We have thought of possible solutions, but so far, have none which sit comfortably with us both.

Does anyone have any solutions please? Have you had a similar dilemma yourselves and figured it out?

[Cerby]

Destination wedding! Problem solved. Go to the exotic beach, invite only your closest friends and family, and have a small ceremony on the beach, party at the resort, and have the reception when you get home.

I think this would be a great compromise.

[NytNrs&Mmartist]

you try to meet his needs half way he try to meet your needs half way.

both of you will be half happy half disappointed. Good luck on the marriage.

Successful marriage is all about Endless Tolerance

[vashti]

You are going to have to compromise if you want your man to be happy. In my opinion, marriage is the joining of two families into one, so I would include the family, and forget everyone else.

[MaidenMinx]

My hubby and I eloped recently and are now dealing with the disappointment of everyone who didn't know. You would like to think that the people that care would be more happy for you than sad for themselves but I have learnt the hard way that that is giving people too much benefit of the doubt. And out of all the people that are upset, hubbys best friend has taken it the hardest. If he wasn't hubbys best friend I'd be telling him to get over it or get lost.

[IndiReloaded]

Small wedding wherever you want. Make sure you have a civil service also to make it legal. Have a party at home once you are back.

[bulrush]

Many people do not put much worth in marriage these days whether it's a public ceremony involving hundreds of family, or a small ceremony. It is just a big party to some people, not a committment. But, you do have to compromise and invite SOME family to your wedding ceremony, perhaps at an exotic location. But what if many people cannot afford to go to the exotic location? Will they be forgotton from the ceremony? Will someone else pay for their expenses for them to get there?

OTOH, why can't you have a big local wedding for her, then repeat the ceremony with just the 2 of you at an exotic location? That way both of you get what you like.

[devonbrown]

A destination wedding sounds good to me. And you can make it super-expensive and hard to get to so no one will go. That way he will be happy and all your friends and family will actually feel bad they couldn't go and give you better presents.

But why does he need an exotic location for the ceremony? That says less about his thoughts on marriage and more on his thoughts about vacation.

Just have a little ceremony at your house and then a big party following it locally.

[oldskool83]

1st off, do you have the funds for a fantasy wedding, 2nd does it make sence ( i sure dont see spending 3-5K) for a day been there did that.

my opion is JP or some resort where ya can play dress up and have somthing cool, spend the money on a awesome vacation, cant ever loose that regaurdless of where lifes directions will take you in years to come.

[vashti]

A destination wedding sounds good to me. And you can make it super-expensive and hard to get to so no one will go. That way he will be happy and all your friends and family will actually feel bad they couldn't go and give you better presents.

But why does he need an exotic location for the ceremony? That says less about his thoughts on marriage and more on his thoughts about vacation.

Just have a little ceremony at your house and then a big party following it locally.

Actually, I would feel *less* inclined to give a nicer gift if I were invited to a "destination wedding". I assume people who do those aren't genuinely interested in sharing the day with friends and family.

[bluesummer]

I think you're making more of the whole marriage celebration than it really is. Include your families, but it's not as momentous an occasion to everyone else as it is to you. Your friends are just happy to see you happy.

Honestly, the best wedding I attended was my best friend's......5 of us in Vegas. My own wedding had all the friends and family and it was nice but I'd never do it again. You're too busy to really 'share' it with them anyways.

[MaidenMinx]

If you are going to elope, do tell people. If you don't tell people, they won't give a crap that you won't to throw a party when you get back. We have been told point blank that the delayed reception doesn't mean anything to people.

For me, this has been the worst part about getting married. I love my husband and I am proud, and happy and thrilled to be his wife. The fact that I've had people tell me that they are happy for us BUT disappointed and hurt that they weren't told has taken some of the spark out of the occasion.

[pisces25]

We have both been married before. He has no children, I have 3 grown up children.

Her perspective – I define myself as the lover of my man, mother of my children, daughter to my mother and close friend to a number of people. I see marriage as two-fold. A personal commitment to my man from me, and a public statement to my family and friends that we are a couple who will jointly try to care for and love them. I can't envisage getting married without sharing this huge and special day without my family and friends.

Haven't you already done this once?